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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: RED FLAGS: What are some of the "red flags" we overlooked early on?  (Read 893 times)
bananas2
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« on: February 08, 2017, 08:22:19 PM »

Thought I'd start a thread about "red flags" - those indicators of a problem we overlooked in the early stages of the relationship. Hindsight is 20/20, but maybe it can give us some insight about ourselves & what we look for or decide to overlook in relationships (romantic & otherwise). I guess I'm just curious about those VERY specific moments when we noticed a behavior/action & that old song played in our heads: "Things That Make You Go Hmmm," but love or friendship blinded us so much at the time that we looked beyond it. Wondering what behavioral red flags we saw & dismissed.

For me, with my BPD Hub, I remember 3 distinct things:
1) Disregard for others:
His Red Flag: A few months into dating, I was walking up to his apartment & heard his music playing VERY loudly throughout the apt bldg. When he opened his door, I said, "You're music is really loud. Aren't you concerned about your neighbors?" His response was, "Screw them if they don't like it."
My Unspoken Thought: This guy only cares about his own satisfaction & has no regard for the needs of others.
2) Whatever Makes Him Look Good:
[/b]His Red Flag: He was extremely late to meet his cousin & was just leaving the house (about an hour away). His cousin called & my hub told him "I left a long time ago. Be in there in 5 mins." I asked him why he said that. He said bc it "looks better" if I told I left a long time ago."
My Unspoken Thought: Two-faced.
3) Dishonesty:
[/b]His Red Flag: We had just decided to move in together & sat down to discuss finances. He said he had NO debt other than a few more payments on his car. Right after we moved in, I started seeing his mail - overdue notices for all sorts of things. 10k in debt.
My Unspoken Thought: Liar.
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BPD is like a banana peel awaiting its victim.
Jester20
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« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2017, 04:42:07 AM »

Red flag 1... .he told me he had fallen in love with me within 2 weeks
My thoughts- odd

Red flag 2... .he told me he had been made bankrupt but it was a medical bankruptcy and he is American
My thoughts... .I actually didn't think too much of this as I know a lot of Americans face this due to their healthcare system.

Red flag 3... .he got do angry at another motorist that cut him up that he followed him to wherever he was going.
My thoughts... .your ___ing crazy, that motorist didn't do anything and you have a SERIOUS anger problem and I am NOT getting in a car with you EVER again. ( I actually said this)
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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2017, 01:25:09 PM »

Red Flag  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post): He lived with his mom at 24 (but it was for financial reasons)

Red Flag  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post): Relationship progressed really fast (but this was different than the last time)

Red Flag  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post): The way he looked at me the first time he blew up because I didn't want to go to the same place as him. He looked through me.

Red Flag  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post): The knot in my stomach that told me to run just weeks before our wedding, but I told myself to be quiet, we were too far in now, it was just cold feet

Red Flag  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post): He got fired from a job for kicking a piece of equipment while we were dating

Although I'm not going anywhere, my fantasy isn't for a man that treats me well, but it's for solitude--no one to yell at me, no one to get angry. Just me and my dogs and cats. An empty quiet house. It sounds so luxurious. Calgon take me away. 



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« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2017, 03:10:14 PM »

Red Flag 1: He showed up to a planned dinner date in my home almost an hour early
My thoughts: He's really excited! Not... .he's pushing boundaries

Red Flag 2: He had a large amount of savings while having a low paying job
My thoughts: He's so financially responsible!  Not... .he inherited money and passed it off as “savings”

Red Flag 3: He moved in after 2.5 months
My thoughts: He really loves me!  Not… he’s controlling

I could go on and on... .
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MovingOn23

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« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2017, 03:56:18 PM »

Circular Arguments - right from the start. I didn't know what they were, but I was extremely frustrated by these arguments that would seemingly never end - arguments that it seemed like she (my BPD spouse) somehow just kept going, and going, and going.

Also, if I knew then what I know now, then her far-less-than-desirable upbringing, mostly without being to count on either parent to be there for her, would have definitely been something I would have viewed very differently and would have directed me to far more carefully consider a great deal of other things.
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SettingBorders
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« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2017, 04:27:32 PM »

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) He was very needy in the dating phase.

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) The way he talked about his mother. In his opinion, she was a victim and everybody did her wrong.

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) The way he talked about his ex girlfriend. She had some mental problems according to his account.

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) He showed me some of his email conversation he did for work. But they were full of arguements and he was rather escalating them.

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Asking for help with his thesis and not accepting any of my suggestions to make that wired and very confusing text more readable.
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« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2017, 04:28:57 PM »

Ups, double posting.
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Sluggo
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« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2017, 09:45:22 PM »

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  My wifes brother told me not to marry her.  He said she had a lot of anger issues. 
 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  When moving to her town- I said I was getting an apartment- she said just live with me (wanted to know where I was at all times)
 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  Giving me the silent treatment on our honeymoon
 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  When at her parents house (in Latin America), she would not let me leave saying it was to dangerous.  I could only leave with her. 
 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  the first time I saw her smack our baby's hand. 
 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) an on and on
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2017, 12:25:22 PM »

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Drinking a lot. (I thought it was just stress from a recent divorce, moving to live nearer to me, a new job.)

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Criticizing his co-workers. He criticized nearly everyone he had previously worked with. They either weren't as smart as him, had poor ethical standards, didn't work as hard as he did, etc.

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) All his previous relationships had betrayed him in some form, whether cheating on him or ignoring him.

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Terrible impatience. Difficulty tolerating standing in line at the grocers. Sometimes would leave if line was too long.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #9 on: February 12, 2017, 01:02:10 PM »

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Her mother

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Her grandmother

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flourdust
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« Reply #10 on: February 13, 2017, 10:11:58 AM »

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) She had a mysterious illness that put her in a wheelchair. No physiological cause, and it went away on its own.

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) She gushed to me about her wonderful best friend. When I met her best friend, she was upset that best friend hadn't been solicitous enough about her mysterious illness. She immediately cut best friend out of her life.

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) She was being persecuted at work and had hired a lawyer to sue them.
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Cipher13
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« Reply #11 on: February 13, 2017, 10:24:12 AM »

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)#1 She would break up with me every few weeks out of the blue while dating

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)#2 She still had a security blanket

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)#3 3 weeks before wedding I wanted to get away for a weekend with my father and grandfather. She went into a huge rage ripping up photos and making threats.

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PeteWitsend
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« Reply #12 on: February 19, 2017, 10:00:37 PM »

#1 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) - she had gone to a prestigious grad school program, but when we met, was rooming with a bunch of complete losers and lowlifes, and would - contrary to all evidence, defend them as good people, while attacking any of my friends for their flaws, no matter how minor. 

#2  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) - had a decent job in her home country, but had flamed out of a couple internships here and was now borrowing money from friends, yet still spending as though she didn't care.

#3  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) would talk about her ex-BF CONSTANTLY, but if I brought up an ex-gf, I would get nasty comments, accusing me of still being in love with them, wanting to go back, lying to her about them, etc.  If she discovered any hint of a former girlfriend (even if it was a high school prom picture from 12 years ago) She would angrily ambush me with it, throw it in my face, scream at me.

#4  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) never-ending stream of tasks I had to complete to make her happy, and failing to read her mind or do them without expressing any dissatisfaction would result in silent treatment or personal attacks about how selfish I was, or how I never wanted to spend time with her. 

Those were probably the biggest ones. 
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