From friends to something more

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone!

I would like to talk to you about something that has never happened to me before, and only later did I realize that it might involve a borderline personality. I would appreciate your support.

This woman and I have known each other since 2007 because she was a friend of my cousin, who at that time was living in my parents' house. So, there were moments until 2010 when this girl was at my house, and we spent time together, even going out.

In 2011, this girl started dating a guy, and fast forward to 2021: they have two children, work together, and live together. Everything seems nice; this is what is on her Facebook profile.

In 2021, I started working in the same warehouse where she and her boyfriend work. I was in one room alone while they were in another room. Everything was normal until the end of 2022 when she completely changed her attitude towards me and started doing things she hadn't done before:
- She came into my office very often, at least twice a day, to ask for help with trivial matters.
- She dressed very well, very polished, even wearing makeup. She seemed ready for a date.
- Through the reflection on my computer screen, I noticed that when she stood behind me while I was sitting looking for some things on the PC, she would steal glances at me and look at my muscular areas and even down there.
- Meanwhile, on her social media, she posted about how her 10-year relationship with her current boyfriend was coming to an end.

All of this lasted for five months, but she never took any "daring" steps by directly telling me that she liked me or touching me; it was just obvious signs of attraction like running her hands through her hair, looking at me with very intense eyes, tilting her neck, using a very seductive tone of voice, and you could feel her excitement from her breathing.

I, being single and currently seeing some women for dating, was very tempted by this seduction to invite her or make some moves because we had known each other since we were kids. This girl has always attracted me for some reason, even though she is not "aesthetically" what I expected. However, I resisted because of her relationship, the fact that she worked with her boyfriend, and because of her children.

So after five months of "seduction," it happened that this girl got pregnant with her third child. Very suddenly, she erased all those behaviors she had towards me and completely ignored me. She even unfollowed me on social media, leaving me only the possibility to see her content. In reality, I still see her interested because she does things on purpose like ignoring me or deliberately avoiding me.

So I told all this to my cousin who revealed some very important details:
- In her relationship, after about a year, she cheated on her boyfriend with a guy she was seeing while attending university. In fact, they would go together in the car and did it many times. Her actual boyfriend wanted to break off the relationship but she threatened suicide in front of his house; then he calmed her down and took her back into the relationship, even tho she cheated on him

- I learned about her past—how she has never really been single and couldn't stay alone for long; how she couldn't maintain friendships; how she constantly changed social circles.

Indeed, it gave me the impression—even when I was at work—that both I and her boyfriend were concerned about how she didn't respect work hours or how she would say she was in one place but was actually somewhere else; this indicated that in the meantime she might have had other relationships.
She is someone who might have sex with a person she has been with for a day, just because she is dating or she is in proximity, spending time with them.

Now in all this, you might ask what should I do?

Well, I would like to recognize if this girl is borderline because I want to be able to better identify patterns if it happens again in the future. I want to say that this girl is not genuinely interested in me as a person but only because she was looking for someone really kind like me at a time when she needed comfort and felt "abandoned" by her current partner. She was reaching out to me to feel secure that she wouldn't be abandoned. Since I never extended that hand to her, she never reached out to me; that's why now she's totally ignoring me and wants me to be distant.

Even if her relationship isn't all roses—indeed they argue a lot with her current boyfriend—she is looking for someone with whom she can recreate that attachment she had before the situation of abandonment arose and before she got hurt.

With my post, I don't want to insult anyone; rather I'm trying to better understand the dynamics of how borderline individuals seduce and attach themselves to others with whom they want to establish a relationship. From what I've gathered, they first look for stable points in another person so they can detach from their old one.

[lillo9546]

Hello everyone!

I would like to talk to you about something that has never happened to me before, and only later did I realize that it might involve a borderline personality. I would appreciate your support.

This woman and I have known each other since 2007 because she was a friend of my cousin, who at that time was living in my parents' house. So, there were moments until 2010 when this girl was at my house, and we spent time together, even going out.

In 2011, this girl started dating a guy, and fast forward to 2021: they have two children, work together, and live together. Everything seems nice; this is what is on her Facebook profile.

In 2021, I started working in the same warehouse where she and her boyfriend work. I was in one room alone while they were in another room. Everything was normal until the end of 2022 when she completely changed her attitude towards me and started doing things she hadn't done before:
- She came into my office very often, at least twice a day, to ask for help with trivial matters.
- She dressed very well, very polished, even wearing makeup. She seemed ready for a date.
- Through the reflection on my computer screen, I noticed that when she stood behind me while I was sitting looking for some things on the PC, she would steal glances at me and look at my muscular areas and even down there.
- Meanwhile, on her social media, she posted about how her 10-year relationship with her current boyfriend was coming to an end.

All of this lasted for five months, but she never took any "daring" steps by directly telling me that she liked me or touching me; it was just obvious signs of attraction like running her hands through her hair, looking at me with very intense eyes, tilting her neck, using a very seductive tone of voice, and you could feel her excitement from her breathing.

I, being single and currently seeing some women for dating, was very tempted by this seduction to invite her or make some moves because we had known each other since we were kids. This girl has always attracted me for some reason, even though she is not "aesthetically" what I expected. However, I resisted because of her relationship, the fact that she worked with her boyfriend, and because of her children.

So after five months of "seduction," it happened that this girl got pregnant with her third child. Very suddenly, she erased all those behaviors she had towards me and completely ignored me. She even unfollowed me on social media, leaving me only the possibility to see her content. In reality, I still see her interested because she does things on purpose like ignoring me or deliberately avoiding me.

So I told all this to my cousin who revealed some very important details:
- In her relationship, after about a year, she cheated on her boyfriend with a guy she was seeing while attending university. In fact, they would go together in the car and did it many times. Her actual boyfriend wanted to break off the relationship but she threatened suicide in front of his house; then he calmed her down and took her back into the relationship, even tho she cheated on him

- I learned about her past—how she has never really been single and couldn't stay alone for long; how she couldn't maintain friendships; how she constantly changed social circles.

Indeed, it gave me the impression—even when I was at work—that both I and her boyfriend were concerned about how she didn't respect work hours or how she would say she was in one place but was actually somewhere else; this indicated that in the meantime she might have had other relationships.
She is someone who might have sex with a person she has been with for a day, just because she is dating or she is in proximity, spending time with them.

Now in all this, you might ask what should I do?

Well, I would like to recognize if this girl is borderline because I want to be able to better identify patterns if it happens again in the future. I want to say that this girl is not genuinely interested in me as a person but only because she was looking for someone really kind like me at a time when she needed comfort and felt "abandoned" by her current partner. She was reaching out to me to feel secure that she wouldn't be abandoned. Since I never extended that hand to her, she never reached out to me; that's why now she's totally ignoring me and wants me to be distant.

Even if her relationship isn't all roses—indeed they argue a lot with her current boyfriend—she is looking for someone with whom she can recreate that attachment she had before the situation of abandonment arose and before she got hurt.

With my post, I don't want to insult anyone; rather I'm trying to better understand the dynamics of how borderline individuals seduce and attach themselves to others with whom they want to establish a relationship. From what I've gathered, they first look for stable points in another person so they can detach from their old one.

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[kells76]

Hi there lillo9546 and

It's good to hear that you'd like to educate yourself about BPD and improve your potential future relationships. That's a great goal to have 

ng time with them.
Now in all this, you might ask what should I do?

Well, I would like to recognize if this girl is borderline because I want to be able to better identify patterns if it happens again in the future. I want to say that this girl is not genuinely interested in me as a person but only because she was looking for someone really kind like me at a time when she needed comfort and felt "abandoned" by her current partner. She was reaching out to me to feel secure that she wouldn't be abandoned. Since I never extended that hand to her, she never reached out to me; that's why now she's totally ignoring me and wants me to be distant.

To me, these points seem important and related:

I, being single and currently seeing some women for dating, was very tempted by this seduction to invite her or make some moves because we had known each other since we were kids. This girl has always attracted me for some reason, even though she is not "aesthetically" what I expected. However, I resisted because of her relationship, the fact that she worked with her boyfriend, and because of her children.

She certainly brings her own contribution to the dynamic -- and it's not a bad idea to educate oneself about BPD.

You also bring your own contribution to that dynamic. It's noteworthy that you aren't sure why you were attracted to her, yet while dating others you were considering getting involved with her. Not judging one way or the other -- but really highlighting that as much of a mystery as she may be, there is a mystery you can solve, and that's the mystery of yourself and your attractions and motivations.

BPD isn't a magic force of seduction... it's a significantly impairing mental health issue, and it does often show up strongly in the relational arena (as you experienced).

In terms of future relationship health, it can be less important to "learn how to avoid them" and much, much more important to understand yourself:

-why are you attracted to certain traits
-what did your family of origin teach you (especially nonverbally, by modelling) about relationships
-what are your core wounds

Even if her relationship isn't all roses—indeed they argue a lot with her current boyfriend—she is looking for someone with whom she can recreate that attachment she had before the situation of abandonment arose and before she got hurt.

Early attachment experiences may contribute to BPD, though it's not a given for everyone. Experiences of invalidation -- a bigger umbrella -- might be a different way to think of it. Exceptionally sensitive persons may experience as invalidating things & situations that more emotionally resilient persons wouldn't... and those invalidating situations might seem "minor" to more resilient persons.

Current BPD research from the NEABPD suggests that genetic factors, as well as environmental/experiential factors, are in play.

With my post, I don't want to insult anyone; rather I'm trying to better understand the dynamics of how borderline individuals seduce and attach themselves to others with whom they want to establish a relationship. From what I've gathered, they first look for stable points in another person so they can detach from their old one.

Understood -- I appreciate you clarifying that you're not here to vent/gripe/blame, that you'd like to learn.

I'm not certain that pwBPD necessarily look for stable aspects in the next partner. It would be flattering if true; my thought is it has more to do with this (from the NEABPD):

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness that centers on the inability to manage emotions effectively. The disorder occurs in the context of relationships: sometimes all relationships are affected, sometimes only one. It usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood.

While some persons with BPD are high functioning in certain settings, their private lives may be in turmoil. Most people who have BPD suffer from problems regulating their emotions and thoughts, impulsive and sometimes reckless behavior, and unstable relationships

Quickly entering a new relationship may have less to do with seeking a stable partner, and more to do with low-skill moves to attempt to regulate out-of-control inner emotions (fear, etc).

Getting reputable clinical info is a great place to start your journey of learning. We have an article on I think it's Borderline Personality Disorder, but how can I know? that has some citations you can follow up on.

Another excellent resource is the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder, which has an extensive media and scholarly article library, with up to date research. I'd encourage you to check it out!