Big birthdays and uBPD mom

[Kwamina]

Hi y'all

Been a long time since I last posted here.

Had some very interesting experiences recently with my uBPD mom. Birthdays, especially the big ones (like 60, 65, 70, 75 etc.), always bring out her 'best' behavior. Long ago I posted here about the physical health impacts of dealing with a BPD family-member and the physical manifestations of stress, and I really experienced this again now.

My uBPD mom was already quite rude on her own birthday a few months ago, exhibiting BPD Queen-tendencies. And then on my sister's birthday 2 weeks later, uBPD mom really lost it. She was getting more and more dysregulated and verbally hostile, my sister and I tried to get through to her but she just kept on going. The trigger, predictably, was that the focus was on my sister as it was her birthday and uBPD mom couldn't stand that. Looking at uBPD mom I could see that we were very close to the dreaded "Turn" again, so I very firmly spoke to her and said she needed to stop right now.

She indeed stopped her increasingly verbally hostile behavior, but she then sat silently on the couch for two hours, not speaking to or looking at anybody in the room, as she was looking at videos on her mobile phone.

Though we this time were able to avert the dreaded "Turn", the intensity of that tense moment and the anxiety of what would/could happen next, was still very much felt. I experienced severe neck and shoulder pain for a week after that, something which I hadn't experienced in years, but I certainly experienced this kind of physical pain a lot while still living in the same house with my uBPD mom as a child and young adult.

As I used to often say to others on here, dealing with a BPD family-member can be quite challenging! But I'm managing...

Take care y'all

Kwamina aka The Board Parrot

[Alex207]

I could have written this!! Well done for speaking up. I’m my mom’s trigger so if I speak up it’s like throwing petrol on a bonfire x

[Alex207]

Oh, and my physical response was digestive problems, throughout my time at home and when she blows now x

[Methuen]

Hi Kwamina. Thank you for your post.

This has meaning for me because I have long suspected this connection in myself.  Strangely, it was a little difficult for me to accept and took some time.  Reading “The Body Knows The Score” helped.

Ironic how something that hadn’t physically bothered you suddenly resurfaced following an incident with bpd mother.

Does your mother live nearby to you?  Does she live alone?

[zachira]

Kwamina,
Welcome back. I remember how you were so helpful to me and others. I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you back.

It seems that we become more reactive at times once we are fully aware how unsafe a person is, especially a close family member we are still in contact with. I sometimes long for (for only short periods of time) that I was still unaware of how toxic a lot of the members of my large immediate and extended families are, and could actually ignore how badly they behaved, that I could still participate in being a full fledged member of the family. Then I remember how I was affected by allowing myself to be a part of the abuse of myself and other family members, and I realize I am in a better place now.

It can be especially hard when we are suddenly upset in a situation and can't put our finger on what is happening. The body has so many traumatic memories and we can't always know what we are accessing, just know it really feels terrible in the moment. Hope you are soon feeling better.

[Kwamina]

Thanks Alex207! Speaking up against a BPD mom can be very difficult, but in this case I indeed wasn't the (initial) trigger which did help.

Thanks for sharing, sorry you can relate so much though, but now we do get to learn from and be validated by each other's experiences.

[Kwamina]

Hi Methuen,

Appreciate your response

Yeah, my mom does live quite nearby me, which was massively anxiety-inducing when she first decided to move here. She lives alone, but does very much depend on the support of her children now.

The body definitely keeps the score, it was like a physical flashback to the years living in the same house with my BPD mom.

[Kwamina]

Thanks zachira, good to see you here, definitely still remember you!

It can be especially hard when we are suddenly upset in a situation and can't put our finger on what is happening. The body has so many traumatic memories and we can't always know what we are accessing, just know it really feels terrible in the moment. Hope you are soon feeling better.

It was very sudden indeed, we were having a 'normal' conversation, which very quickly turned into something completely different.

The severe neck and shoulder pain did surprise me, but then I thought back on how things used to be, and it made sense.

It's a sad reality, but my uBPD mom continues to be an unsafe person to be around. Interestingly, several people outside me and my siblings have also started to catch more glimpses of it in recent years. A few family-members have passed, and my uBPD mom holds a lot of anger about this (and things that happened decades ago even before I was born), and has been less able to hide her uBPD self and explosive rage from 'outsiders'.

[CC43]

I can relate.

The loved one with BPD visited during Christmas week.  So did her sister, who doesn't have BPD, but who was a high-conflict drama queen when growing up.  In the days leading up to their visits, I had a feeling of tenseness and dread building up in me.  Part of it relates to how my husband acts when around the children--instead of voicing his frustrations at their behavior, he typically takes it out on me, which only adds to my edginess.

Sure enough, within five minutes of a visit, the pwBPD crossed a boundary--she made a truly disgusting mess in my bathroom and took supplies she wanted.  (She has her own bathroom in the house, and she has her own apartment nearby, but still raids my toiletries without asking, and she has terrible bathroom habits.)  Though it shouldn't have been a big deal, I found myself having flashbacks, and I did not feel good at all.  I didn't react or call her out, but I definitely felt resentment and tension.  Fortunately now, the visits are short, and I get through them.

[Kwamina]

Thanks for sharing and joining the conversation CC43

That was a lot for you to deal with during Christmas week...

I can very much relate to that feeling of dread before visits. Glad for you that the visits are short now, but still, as you also describe, it does still have an impact.

[Notwendy]

Oh my goodness CC43- that sounds awful.
Kwamina- good to hear from you. I also can relate to the stress of visits and big events.
There have been several drama situations over events and big birthdays.
A while back I went to visit my BPD mother for her birthday. I had planned a celebration with her family later that week. She informed me that her neighbors had planned one too.
When I arrived, she informed me that she was going to the neighbor's celebration but not with me. I stayed back and she went out.
At first I was puzzled. They had to have known I was visiting- my car was visible to them. I also knew all of them well and liked them. Why didn't they invite me too?
After the visit, I asked one of them- is there a reason I wasn't invited? It's not typical I would ask someone that but I wanted to know why.
The neighbor replied that I was invited.
It was BPD mother who didn't include me. I try to not let her behavior hurt my feelings but this one did.
The next year on her birthday, she asked if I was visiting. I said no- you can go celebrate with your neighbors. I have visited after that but not on her birthday.

[Kwamina]

Hi Notwendy

That was quite hurtful indeed what your mother did... And I also remember how much you have done to still try and have some kind of a relationship with your mother.

I like though how you responded to her the year after that when she asked if you would visit her on her birthday.

[Notwendy]

Yes, that really felt hurtful. She later "apologized" after I told her to go celebrate with her neighbors but I don't know if she meant it.

I send her flowers on her birthday. She sent gifts to my children on theirs but she does not send me birthday gifts usually and I don't expect one. I recall on one "big birthday" of mine (before her financial issues so she did send gifts to people) being surprised to receive a box in the mail from her. Curious, I opened it and it was an inexpensive trinket. It wasn't anything I ever wanted or used. It was generic and impersonal. I've seen her gift the same thing to people she hardly knows.

Same reaction, I cried. For a moment, I got my hopes up- maybe she picked out something special for me. It wasn't the cost- it was that it was so generic and impersonal, I'd have rather she didn't send anything at all.

I have come to the conclusion that my BPD mother doesn't "see" other people. What she sees is her projections on to them. While she can intentionally do hurtful things, I also think she just doesn't think in terms of what other people might be thinking or feeling. She's impulsive and does what she feels she wants to do in the moment.

The reason these events brought tears is that they are moments that remind me of this lack of connection, the emptiness in the relationship with her. She isn't capable of more than this.

[Notwendy]

CC43- That is awful having your bathroom raided like that. When my BPD mother would visit, she'd excuse herself to use the rest room. Then she'd be gone for a while. What she does is snoop- she'd be off rumaging through things for personal information.

We can't control all she does when she visited- so before she visits, we'd lock up anything personal like bank statements, or letters. It was the only boundary we could have control over.

One idea is an outside lock to your bathroom door. It sounds extreme but it's a solid boundary. If that isn't an option, then take your toileteries and put them in a locked place during the visits. One idea is to collect inexpensive toileteries as you see them go on sale, find some at a dollar store or discount store and have these out for guests during visits. These can get "taken" while your own personal ones stay safe.

As to your H's behavior. Families have odd dynamics. I find that during holidays and family visits, people tend to "revert" to them. It's hard to "see" our own unless we have become aware of them and worked on them. I find the Karpman triangle to be a helpful explanation for some. Your H probably has some co-dependent tendencies when it comes to his children and also a natural inclination to be protective of his children. You become the other end of the triangle in the dynamics. He may not even be aware of them.

I sometimes felt that way with my parents. My father might be aggravated at my BPD mother but expressing that to her would result in a reaction from her that he wanted to avoid. So he'd be irritated and snappy at us kids.

This isn't fair at all but people tend to react to the ones that feel the safest to them.

Fortunately the visits are short for you.

[Kwamina]

I have come to the conclusion that my BPD mother doesn't "see" other people. What she sees is her projections on to them. While she can intentionally do hurtful things, I also think she just doesn't think in terms of what other people might be thinking or feeling. She's impulsive and does what she feels she wants to do in the moment.

I have come to the same conclusion about my uBPD mother... She does not really see me as a real person separate from her at all, to her only her own thoughts and feelings exist. It's a very bizarre and dehumanizing experience. My siblings are way older than me, and growing up my mom treated one of my sisters as the 'all-bad child' and the other as 'all-good child'. This dynamic was a total distortion of reality, her 'all-bad child' is actually the daughter who exhibited healthy behavior, and her 'all-good child' is uBPD just like her.

After my siblings left home, I remained with my mother and got both the 'all-bad' and 'all-good' projected onto me, a very confusing and exhausting experience.

The reason these events brought tears is that they are moments that remind me of this lack of connection, the emptiness in the relationship with her. She isn't capable of more than this.

This really is a very harsh reality which we are confronted with every time. It is very sad, to have a relationship with such a close family-member as a parent, and not have a real connection with them.

[Notwendy]

Growing up, I was the scapegoat child. I actually believed that when I went to college, my family would be happy and "normal" since BPD mother blamed me for the issues between us and also with my father.

This wasn't true, and after I left, the dynamics continued with golden child sibling experiencing some of both.

I've posted before one memory where I perceived the "disconnect". It wasn't a major situation but I recall it because of this. I was at a friend's house. She was arguing with her parents. (teen argument). The situation upset me as I could see how hurt her parents were over the issue. I came home upset and tried to explain why to my parents and their puzzled look surprised me. They couldn't connect with the emotion of the situation. It wasn't anything that concerned either of us- but still, I could see that the parents were upset but my parents couldn't connect with how I felt.

I did have times where I felt connected with my father, but other times, I think he was focused on my mother's issues and the task of supporting the family- but I did feel a connection with him. He did "see" me. He knew what music I liked as a teen, and what my interests were. Karpman triangle dynamics prevailed though and BPD mother's emotions were a main focus.

BPD mother doesn't have empathy and is overwhelmed with her own feelings. If someone else's feelings or interests don't concern her in some way, she doesn't connect with them. Dad would ask me questions about interests or activities because he was interested in knowing about me. With BPD mother - it's because she wants the information for some reason, the reason not being clear sometimes.