Christmas, UBPD mother, rubbish brother

[Alex207]

Posting where I hope people will understand.

Mother has UBPD, my brother and I had a terrible childhood. Screaming attacks everyday, our rooms smashed up around us after we’d gone to bed, being told daily we were punishment for something bad she’d done in a past life, everything about our personalities and lives undermined. I had it worse as I’m the daughter and she would reflect so much onto me about herself and then attack it. She put her hands around my neck in anger two or three times and also twice held the blanket over my face while I was in bed. As is often with BPD parents, she can also be genuinely lovely. Oh how it would be easier if she was always one thing or the other. I have had therapy for over twenty years and am so grateful for what it’s given me.

My brother has moved as far away as possible and has never had therapy. He is quite fractured. While to the rest of the world he’s Mr Fab to me he can hardly look at me, I believe he associates me too much with what happened to be able to have any real kind of relationship with me. He is in touch with our mother via weekly phone calls and visits a couple of times a year.

I speak to her and see her more often. She can be genuinely nice and bear to be around me for 24-48 hours and then it’s blow ups and personal attack after blow up and personal attack. Unfortunately she lives too far away for a visit to be doable in a day. My husband and I try to keep the visits short, particularly as we have two children who have unfortunately been exposed to the bad side (always directed at me, never them) but also have a genuinely good relationship with her as they mostly see her good side.

We have had her for Christmas every year for 15 years ever since the children were born, bar the covid year. Christmas is a flashpoint for her right back to when we were small, she would build up an impossible fairytale Christmas in her mind and the slightest innocuous thing I did such as opening a bottle of lemonade would trigger a rage and Christmas would collapse in smoking ruins. These days she comes to us and lasts 24-48 hours before she blows and the blow up is always a personal attack on me. The tension leading up to Christmas is hard for me every year. This year we engineered it that she came late on Christmas Eve so we could get through the big day unscathed. She blew on Boxing Day and stayed another day filling it with criticisms and personal attacks on me. I wanted her to leave but we had to weigh up the kids, ie the fact that she would blow even more horribly if we made her leave and that would upset them. She left yesterday and I’m still feeling unsettled, it takes days to ‘come back out again’ after her attacks.

My brother has spent two Christmases with us in that time, the last one in 2017. Every year I ask them to come and share the burden and every year they say they’re spending it alone. Their prerogative I know, but the support would be appreciated.

I now want to say to them that they must take a turn next year and have her. But it’s the inevitable guilt - she’s 85 and there will soon be many Christmases without her. The kids love her being here particularly those first 24-48 hours. Her darkness, when it comes, is directed at me and often out of their earshot. I am desperate for a stress free Christmas but feel torn. I know I could tell her not to come, and why, but her genuinely nice side finds it hard to comprehend or acknowledge the dark side and she gets genuinely hurt. And I don’t want the children to miss what could be their last Christmas with a grandmother they adore. I know I can say she can come for 48 hours but then that guarantees a blow up as she will arrive like an angry coiled spring. I can ask my brother to come and help but I know he won’t.

I just don’t know what to do.

Thanks for listening.

[Methuen]

Sigh. I get it .  I really do.

How old are the children?

[Alex207]

Thanks and sorry you get it too. They’re 12 and 14 now.

[Notwendy]

I get it too. Fortunately you have some time to navigate another Christmas later.

And also consider that living at a distance from your mother gives you a boundary.

I will post more later!

[Methuen]

At 12 and 14, do you think your children have noticed some of grandma's "eccentricities"?  Have either of them ever observed your mom not treating you well, or treating you differently than she treats them?

We were married almost 30 years before my husband witnessed one of her rages. My H had only heard stories until then.  pwBPD are smart and cagey about not showing their "borderline" behaviors publicly.  My mom always found me "alone" to vent off one of her attacks or rages.  Even if it meant coming downstairs while I was doing laundry while my H was upstairs in the kitchen...

Our children are now 27 and 29.  When our children were around 20, we shared a bit of truth with them - the short version.  By then, our daughter had already witnessed one of my mother's rages against me.  Our son was able to see how the puzzle pieces fit, and had also witnessed his grandma in certain mean behaviors.  Our children also knew they could trust us to be telling the truth, and we knew we could count on them not to share the information with their grandma.

The point was so that they would understand why their mom (me) couldn't spend as much time helping grandma as I used to.  I was ready to have a nervous breakdown.  I was terrified and miserable.  But we did couch what we told them, and were careful about not sharing too much which could make them uncomfortable.

We didn't want misunderstanding or to have our children speculate and fill in the gaps about why I stopped being my mom's "caretaker".  It wouldn't have been fair to me to have them assume I was being selfish with my time, or didn't love my mother enough. 

Also, at some point, it is appropriate to stop protecting the abusers, and stop hiding the ugly truth. 

In my opinion, it's key to be able to trust the children not to blurt the information to the person.  Because that would go nuclear, and be long lasting, and probably escalate the behaviors in ways that can't be predicted because we can't even imagine the vengeful things they can do publicly.

When our kids were teens, we did find other ways to try to protect our kids.

Grandma shouldn't drive you because her driving isn't safe.  Our kids had witnessed this, so it made sense to them.  It came up a lot because she always seemed to want our kids "to herself".  To be blunt, this gives the BPD person an opportunity to "groom" them to meet her needs.  Does this make sense?

As for the Christmas thing, this is tough.  You know your brother isn't going to help.

Is it possible to plan a trip out of state or go visit the in-laws for Christmas?  Or a tropical beach?

Then she could figure out on her own who to spend her Xmas with.  Not your problem.  Sorry I don't have a better idea.

[CC43]

Hi there,

With the pw BPD in my life, I find that keeping the visits short—usually a meal plus a couple of hours to socialize or watch TV together—works the best. Overnights are much trickier, and multiple days we dare not try. She is too easily bored and triggered.

I would suggest giving a shorter visit a try. Maybe you visit at her house, but stay in a hotel so you don’t impose too much or disrupt your mother’s routine. Or she could do the same with you, so she has privacy and time to unwind—elderly people might need an afternoon nap or early bedtime. Maybe you offer to put her up at a hotel and pay for room service as a treat. That might reduce the pressure on everyone. You could make up an excuse about not having enough beds or needing the guest room for a home office.  Sound reasonable?

[GaGrl]

My sister and I picked up that my steps grandmother was "different" early on. It was more that my mother was on edge with visits to her parents than anything my steps grandmother did to us. On one visit, the tension was so bad that, when I whined on a shopping trip, my mother completely lost it and slapped my face. I was stunned. I rarely got even a pop on the and or hiney, so this was devastating.

Fortunately, I told my dad, and he worked me through it. I had only fervently learned that my steps grandmother was not my bio relative. I knew something was off, so I was relieved that she wasn't "blood."

My father NEVER took us to their house for holidays -- 200 miles away. Visits were scheduled, limited, monitored. He did not trust his MIL, who was only eight years older than him. I frequently heard him tell her, "That's enough, Dorothy."

Limits. Boundaries.

[Notwendy]

From my own experience, I would consider a long range perspective. When my parents visited, it was stressful. I live at a distance from them so they'd come and stay. With my mother, there are no boundaries- they would come to stay and once Dad was retired, leave when they felt like it.

Like you, I didn't want to disrupt the relationships with my kids. In my situation it was with my father. My kids loved my father and he was great with them. My BPD mother's interactions were more like a detached observer. The kids didn't bond to her.

I knew my mother would hold it together in front of the kids but I knew to not ever leave them alone with her. Fortunately she's not the motherly type and didn't want to do the hands on care with them. She is more invested in the status of "grandmother". There wasn't much drama with them when they were little.

By the time my kids were around the age of your kids- they became potentially useful to her. They also didn't need adult supervision and so she would try to get them to be alone with her. She began to enlist them as her emotional caretakers. Since this was the situation I was in at that age- her confidant, her emotional caretaker- I knew that more boundaries were needed at this time. The kids also weren't comfortable around her. They were old enough to understand mental illness. I have been honest with them about hers.

As you would expect, having boundaries resulted in a strong reaction from her and also my father. However, I needed to protect my children.

I also eventually needed boundaries with her abusive behavior and also with how to manage the relationship in her elder years. I get your concern - what if this is her last Christmas at her age?  Sadly, having boundaries with my mother and her reactions also occurred at the later part of my father's life. There are events that I wish had gone differently- but we can only do what we know to do at the time. Protecting my children had to be a priority.

So your boundary plan is more than what to do at Christmas. Fortunately there's time to plan for the next Christmas and also to learn more about BPD in general.

[Notwendy]

As to your brother- while he may appear to be the "golden child" or favorite sibling while you are the scapgoat one, I think being in his position is the more damaged one.

It's possible he also has a personality disorder, or he has other emotional issues due to the family dynamics. I think those of us on this board have different relationships with siblings. Some of the siblings have BPD too.

While it doesn't seem to make sense that the targeted child becomes the one the parent looks to as the responsible one- why not go to the favorite sibling? I think of this in terms of meeting their own needs. My BPD mother sees people as how can they meet her needs.

As a child, I was jealous that my golden child sibling seemed to get the best of my mother- the "good mother". However that relationship resulted in more emneshment and so I don't envy that situation.

Consider that your brother moved farther away because this is the only way he can be less enmeshed with your mother. He may also feel some shame for his situation which is why he can't look at you. It's not your responsibility to manage your brother or the relationship, but it will help to consider the reality- that he isn't able to help in this situation and so you will be deciding about you, your family, and what you are willing to do.

[Kwamina]

As is often with BPD parents, she can also be genuinely lovely. Oh how it would be easier if she was always one thing or the other.

Yeah, this reality certainly does complicate things. Can also be very confusing, particularly growing up, to have a BPD parent who can be 'loving' one moment and another moment subject you to their explosive rage. My uBPD mom is this way too, but even when she is more 'loving', I'm still on edge 'cause I know it unfortunately won't last.

[Kwamina]

Also, at some point, it is appropriate to stop protecting the abusers, and stop hiding the ugly truth.

Very true indeed Methuen! And by hiding the truth we often are only hurting ourselves as the abuse (and/or the impact of the abuse) continues.

[CC43]

PS Alex,

I understand it's frustrating that it seems your brother won't help you with your mom during the holidays.  But since your mom is prone to blow-ups, and since your childhood was so difficult, maybe he just can't take her?  He may feel guilt, but he is prioritizing his own mental well-being by staying away.  Maybe seeing you and mom together is just too triggering, catapulting him back to his difficult childhood.  Even though a visit might last only a couple of days, the damage could derail him for weeks or months.  He chooses not to subject himself to it anymore--that's his way of coping.  Maybe you are stronger and you feel more guilt, so you agree to host at Christmas.

[zachira]

Alex207,
I was raised by a BPD mother who passed away a few years ago. My siblings have never been able to come to terms with the toxic family dynamics which include several generations of children with assigned roles including scapegoat and golden child. I am the assigned scapegoat for my generation in both my immediate family and large extended family. I have been to many years of therapy. I believe it was only by being so strongly targeted as a scapegoat and observing how badly other family members who were scapegoats were abused that I was able to see that no matter how hard I worked to get along with the family cult while not enabling the abuse of others that nothing was going to change. I look at so many members of my large family and see how they would become targets of abuse if they were to reject being part of the dysfunctional family dynamics. Since I have set strong boundaries with family members, I have been targeted for all kinds of abuse, as the family is determined to bring me back into the fold as a scapegoat so they do not have to face their discomfort with change and looking at themselves in the mirror. It takes a lot of work on ego strength and being determined to not be a part of the family members' dysfunctional dynamics to get to a point where the healthy boundaries are in place and adjusted as needed. It was so much easier to distance oneself as I did for many years, paying a high price for not being able to have healthy relationships with anybody including myself. Your brother clearly is not feeling the need to face how he is affected by your mother and probably never will. I have so much respect for so many members on this site, who are doing the hard work of dealing with difficult family members while prioritizing self care. Most people will never take the hard look in the mirror because it is too upsetting and very painful, requires a lot of continuous soul searching. Thankfully you are on the road to setting the boundaries you need for self care. It takes time to figure out what boundaries to have, and the boundaries have to be adjusted as they are always tested over and  over again by the challenging family members. You already know that your mother will be very unhappy with whatever boundaries you set, including what to do about next Christmas. You have much to gain by putting the well being of yourself and other family members first.

[Notwendy]

I would dread visits from my mother because, I didn't know how to make her leave if she was here. I prefer to visit her, even if I have to stay in a hotel, because I control the time spent with her. Staying in a hotel gives me my own space if I need it.

I don't sleep well prior to the visit and afterwards.

How ironic as the targeted sibling that we are the more involved child in adulthood. But CC43 makes a good point. Your brother may be less resilient to what happened than you are. Although all children are affected by an abusive parent- it's not always in the same way. Children have their own innate personalities and resilience. It doesn't make it fair to you but it is what it is.