I’m thinking about going no contact.

[BIRD86]

My daughter 20 undiagnosed BPD not living with me.
Uses me to get me to help her dig her out her problems.
I recently caved and helped her out to pay for a lawyer for her reckless driving ticket. On top of that I payed for Alf of her rent and bought her new bed and mattress. I helped her out to move and to organize her room. She treats me like garbage daily blows up at me and threatens me and spread lies and rumors about me.she had no remorse and never apologized. The next day she’s sending me messages like nothing happens after she insults me on the point that I cannot sleep anymore and I cry a lot and my anxiety very high.
I don’t even wanna respond to her text messages anymore and I am to the point where I don’t even wanna continue a relationship with her. I have tried so hard to make things work and to help her because I love her. She seems to only be getting worse and I feel like she’s just taking as you my kindness. I have a lot of pain in my shoulders and high cortisol hormone.

I cannot do this anymore I feel like if I continue like this I’m gonna get sick. Help

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[murmom]

Hello Bird86

I totally understand your desire to go no contact. You have a right and an obligation to take care of yourself. If contact with your daughter is preventing that then some definite boundaries are in order.

You say your daughter lives out on her own but is undiagnosed/not in treatment? Well that is good she doesn't live under your roof. But like with my 27 year old daughter,  I am currently NC because she is unstable and not seeking treatment.  Perhaps that could be a boundary for you, too? She needs to get some help in order to continue a relationship with you, at least until you feel better?

Regards,
Murmom

[Ourworld]

Bird86, you definitely need to take care of yourself, both mentally and physically and if the contact you have with her is causing problems, you have a God-given right to ‘wipe the dust off your feet’ and move on!

I have been NC with my own daughter for 12 years now, and actually it is a relief. I still think about things I should have done differently, or maybe I should have been more of a hovering parent in her teenage years, but then I realize it would have caused her to blow up and would not have made a difference anyway!

I always remember the three CC’s I was blessed with: You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you certainly cannot Cure it!

I know how difficult and heartbreaking it is to see our own children having to go through something like this, but it is so important not to let it disrupt your own well-being!

Hugs, OurWorld 

[CC43]

Hi Bird,

I imagine many parents on these boards have felt the way you do at some point. You make huge sacrifices to help your kid and soften the blow of her poor choices, and what do you get?  Venom, blame and a repeat of poor choices. You might think, if I save them this one last time, and make sure they’re set up with decent housing, transportation, clothes, insurance, food, therapy, etc. they’ll start to feel better and get back on track. But they quickly derail and probably blame you for it. Worse, they seem so entitled and expect you to PAY—pay for their living situation, as well as pay in retribution for being a horrible parent. Sound familiar?

I think some boundaries are in order, to protect you from the pain. If you don’t protect yourself, who will?  Maybe you reduce contact. Maybe you help with needs (rent, food) but not with wants (driver’s license, air travel, smartphone). Maybe you condition any financial support on her going to therapy regularly and staying drug-free. In my family, the adult kid with BPD would get financial support, but she had to follow her doctors’ orders. She could choose her own path and do whatever she wanted, but then the financial support would be withdrawn. At that point, her choice became an easy one. I’m happy to say she’s in a much better place right now. But before that, there were many attempts to set her up for success, like what you are describing. Yet without therapy, she’d quickly do something impulsive and self-destructive, get into more trouble, go no contact for a while, get herself in a desperate situation, attempt suicide, need us to save her, and then blame us for all her woes. The negative thinking spiral and behaviors became sadly predictable, though worse in each successive round of failures. Without boundaries, things invariably got worse, because she became ever needier and more and more dysfunctional. For about 18 months, she was less functional than a kindergartner. Does that sound about right?  Then you need boundaries, and so does she, if you are enabling her dysfunction.

[CC43]

PS,

A compounding factor with my stepdaughter’s dysfunctional behaviors was daily marijuana use. I think marijuana made her BPD behaviors much worse, including sapping her already low motivation and worsening her delusions and paranoia. My husband initially thought marijuana was not a big deal, but he doesn’t have a serious mental condition, and the pot he smoked back in the day was milder. Plus, he got biofeedback—the irritating smoke and smell—that could temper usage but are largely absent from today’s marijuana (vaping or edibles). If marijuana is a factor with your adult child, my advice would be not to enable marijuana use. That could include not allowing it in your home and not providing your kid cash that could be used to buy it. That won’t necessarily stop them from using, but at least they know you disapprove, and they would have to work to get what they want.

[BIRD86]

Murmon,

Thanks for the Advice. My daughter was in therapy for week and quit refuses tog go and claims she normal and that I am source of her problems.
I have told her countless times to take therapy and she wont agree.

She keeps texting me IDK wat to do if I should respond and address the problem or not reply at all I am scare to cause another blow up.

[BIRD86]

Ourworld,
I feel for you. I Cant imagine how hard that must be!
But for our sanity I think is for the best.
Going no contact how did that work out for you in the beginning? I am having a hard time, my daughter keeps reaching out. I am not sure if I communicate with her that I don't want to talk to her or if i should simply ignore her. I am afraid her fear of abandonment will trigger an attempt. She has done before during a time where I couldn't handle her threats I blocked her and she made an attempt.
I wanna cut communication to a minimum but sometimes is hard not to know about how she's doing.

[BIRD86]

Ourworld,

I have also told her not to contact me before and she keeps doing it. The worst part is that she would send Hateful and hurtfull  messages threatening me. and the next day she's messaging me like nothing has happen. she goes to extents to stalk me on social media.
My amazon account and Netflix gets mess with. She had changed my name on my Nextflix profile before to a horrible name. I don't know what to do.

[BIRD86]

CC43.
Thanks for sharing your story with me and to give me prospective.
I have tried setting boundaries and to become firm.
I struggle with the suicide threats because she has made an attempt before,
She doesn't take no for an answer and is very manipulative. I am terrified she's so destructive and reckless. I at the point where I deal with a lot of guilt. 2024 was the first where I have struggle with this situation the most and is all new that I need answers I am learning a lot but I am struggling to set boundaries and keep them. I love my daughter and when she's good  I tent to forget easily that this is never gonna end and I am part of the problem. Because i have hope she would change but things keep repeating over and over.

[BIRD86]

CC43,
Yes she smoke Marihuana and was doing it inside my house we gave her many chances to stop using I even enrolled her in a substance abuse program she completed but that didn't help. She would smoke inside stink up the house and denied in my face. We found the weed many times and eventually she didn't follow any rules at all I made up a contract that she reap it off in my face.
W had to kick her out eventually. Now I don't give her any cash. she works but she claims she always broke. and struggle to save up and when she gets in trouble expects help from me. for rent food etc.
She's also in a toxic relationship where I think she's the one paying for stuff including the marihuana.
That's why she's not even allowed in my home.

[murmom]

Hello again Bird86

Like your daughter,  my daughter tries to blame all of her current problems on me and the past. Even if I WERE the cause of all of her problems, which I am not, she would still need someone outside of me (therapist) to overcome her issues. I remind her that no parent is perfect and that we sometimes make imperfect decisions based on information we had at the time.

You can apologize for past mistakes and remind them that no parent is perfect and that everyone has their own recollection and interpretation of the past, but if they refuse to own what they can control then you HAVE to stop being their whipping post and put up boundaries.  I know this is easier said than done because as moms we want to help and make things better. But it's not healthy and does not help your daughter if you allow yourself to be mistreated.  NC is sometimes a very healthy thing to do in this situation. It took me a long time to come to this conclusion.

Good luck!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Hi Bird86,

I was fortunate that my daughter did not want me to see that side of her out of embarrassment and cut me off herself. But if I was being hit like you are I would be doing the cutting off.

I have read your previous posts these last few months and understand how volatile your situation has become, and I really feel for you.
This is my non-professional suggestion of how you might want to go about it;
Tell her that you will be blocking her from your phone and any social media you use (such as FB-this will also block her from you on Messenger).
Tell her that she can still email you once a month, but if the emails are cruel and condescending or asking you for things you will also block them.

I believe that after all you have been through that is how you will find some peace and health.
Thankfully your daughter is an adult who can be independent.

Logic goes out the window for our kids with BPD, so telling her that you love her and will be there for her are not necessary.
She knows that as much as you care about her, you simply cannot endure the pain this is causing you-even though she may not say it in nice words. Try to listen to the heart meaning of her words, when she says ‘you are so mean to me and don’t care’, what she means is that she will miss you because she knows you care.

I know it will be difficult; I’ve had plenty of time for things to go around and around in my head about what I could have done, or what I could have done differently. But I always come back to the same conclusion, that there was nothing I could have done that would have made any difference. BPD is a very selfish and cruel serious mental disorder of the brain.

When my daughter cut me off, because she did not want me to know how bad things had gotten for her (she’s very high-functioning and holds everything inside (until she blows up!)), she actually thanked me for getting her through college.
She went through a very unhealthy marriage with someone who has 3 severe mental illnesses, now she is 39 and rebuilding her life. I saw a LinkedIn picture and post, and it was like night and day from when I last saw her.

So, what I’m saying is that your daughter has the good foundation that you gave her, and she will find her way.
Always remember whose child she really is and be grateful for the time you had raising her.
And always remember the 3-C’s-you didn’t Cause it and cannot Control it or Cure it.

Take care, OurWorld