uBPD w - after 17 years first time suggested going to a session together

[olafinski]

Hi everyone,
I am married for 17 years with uBPD wife M. Last 5 years I am more of less aware of her condition and this forum has helped a lot.
Today we had a conversation in which I managed for the first time to mention going together for a session, which shocked her off course, and she said that now she is more firm then ever before in her intention to file for a divorce . She threathens with going away and divorce since we started dating.
Two days ago there was a situation with my stepson, 25 yo, lives with us, who I think also has a similar issue but with also a strong narcissist trait (which M doesn't have). While discussing that situation, I realised this is a chance to say something I never did before, so I used it and told her that she also said terrible things about me during our time together, and that it is the main reason for us losing intimacy, which is what she always states as the reason for divorce. I told her, while she was in a receptive state, that I am always afraid and walking on eggshells with her, and that this makes it really hard for me to feel close and give her the intimate and physical tretment she lacks (and she said that it is not just about sex, but about being playful, touching her occasionaly when passing etc).
This made her think and it seemed that it made some effect. But today again I was the one that made her life miserable, the worst mistake, she never loved me, she is with me just because she saw potential in me for someone to be close when she is old, I never really attracted her and we never had anything in common (classic BPD stuff).
So today she kept asking me, why am I with her if she doesn't love me, and talks trash to me all of the time? Why don't I give her divorce? To which I replied, because you were like this, with this emotional shifts, from the start, when we were really close and intimate, and it was the same, I was packing my bags every 2-3 weeks. I told her that the reason for me staying is that I feel that this part of her in which she hates me is not "real", that it's a part of here where she expresses her inner rage and insecurity and projects it towards me, and that in between such episodes (I take care to never mention BPD etc) she is a loving person, incredible wife and mother (we have a 14yo son), and also a person that made me who I am (which is true, she is truly an incredible person when not in an episode).
And I said that I didn't say this before because it is a risk that I didn't want to take, but now I feel that it is the time, and so I asked her if she would go to a session to a family / marriage oriented psychologist. She was shocked and barraged me with insults as always, but I was calm and I said, no one can force you to go, it is just an option that I think will help YOU in the first place. I told her that it is not just about me, but also about others around her, and that she will feel much better if she starts working on this.
She was calm, but very insulted and moved away to another room.
I mentioned to her, when she said that I am imagining this, and that this maybe happened a couple of times and that its a normal part of a marriage, that I kept notes for couple of months when I started to doubt my own sanity, and asked her if she wanted to see the notes. She said yes. But I could not find them at once and then she went away to her room giving me silent treatment.
So I am wondering - what do you think about sharing those notes with her?
When I read them, it seems that to her it might be a proof that I just wait for he to calm down and never do anything that she asks me to. Cause every note ends with "she calmed down by 18.30" or similar.
But there's around 15 episodes in 4 months, and that is a good way to verify that it's not "a couple of times"...
I am not sure how to proceed.

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[kells76]

Hi olafinski, happy New Year  and thanks for updating us on where you're at.

Seems like a couple of big things happening close together -- suggesting a family therapy appointment, and bringing up your notes. Either one of those could be a pretty emotional thing for a couple or a pwBPD, and many pwBPD do struggle to regulate appropriately during highly emotional times.

Has there been any followup action on scheduling the joint therapy session? Is it on the calendar?

...

What would your goal be, in showing her your notes?

What is the "best case scenario" outcome? What is the "worst case scenario" outcome?

Based on history and the past, what is the most likely outcome (best case, worst case, somewhere in the middle) to you showing her your notes right now? Would that outcome be effective in achieving your goal?

[olafinski]

Kells76,
unfortunately it didn't go well, at least so far.
I started to create red line boundaries to try to move our relationship forward.
Lately she started calling me a manipulator because I am trying to calm things down, stating that I am doing because I know it makes her even more mad, and my main goal is to declare her mad, take our son from her, and put her to a mental institution (that's her final story in each episode).
So I started saying, when she would go that road, "OK, this is a red line and I am not talking to you anymore because you are calling me a manipulator and that is just not true. When you decide to talk normally we can continue". Which worked quite OK, she would stop saying that for a while.
Today it seemed really OK, we had a really nice day together, I even started trying being closer to her, being more fun, even when she was starting to raise the tension, I would joke with her being "like a latina woman", caliente, which was fun also to her and calmed her down. She said something in the line of "Yes, thats what I am telling you, I am like that, I am not really mad, I just talk that way".
But now in the evening, a trigger for the perfect storm happened. We came home in the evening and our son said in a commanding tone that I must honour our deal and order him a certian takeout meal as we agreed yesterday, but since it was already too late, and I also ordered something for him earlier, and we brought him fries, and his older brother also ordered him fries as a suprise - I said, its too late and you have all this fries, we'll order it tomorrow. He reacted in an angry and emotional-blackmail kind of a way, like "you don't love me" and went to his room.
She saw his reaction and wanted to give him a lesson, called him and calmly said that he must now bring his mobile phone and his ipad and must shut down his PC because he is misbehaving.
There was a short argument in which he said that he can buy it because he has his own money (his savings he always mentions when we say that something is too expensive and that we are not ATM machines that print money).
Couple of days ago I needed some cash to pay a worker before christmas, and had money for it on my account for it so I asked him to give me his cash and I will buy something for him online (he always spends his money online anyways, on PS5 games or something). I told him to keep it for himself because I thought that I will refill his cash box after the NY when everything works again.
But because he was hurt that I was also on her side, he mentioned that I took all of his cash money, not mentioning our deal in full.
Instantly, she went into the other state, and started ranting about our money situation, that its all my fault etc, that I am not the same guy she married, that I never before put any red lines, that I understood her and who she is, and that what I said the other day about her "constantly making my life miserable" (I didn't, I just said that on occasions when she gets mad at me, she often crosses the line and really trashtalks, and really hurts me, and that I think that this is not really her but something in her that comes out in those situations, because it is not normal that someone expresses the same, identical kind of rage for a variety of triggers, always ending in her wanting a divorce, stating that I am her biggest mistake etc).
It ended up her sending me a divorce form, which here as a first step has a meeting with a social worker when you have a minor child.
She did this only once before. I am off course never shure what will happen, but reading this forum I got the impression that 99.99% of such events are just bluffs and a way to make me miserable, breakdown and cry.
To be honest, at this point I am not sure I will do that. I feel that we need to change a pattern. I really want to stay with her, even if she doesn't change, because I really love her and because she is a really good person when she is OK. Also, she was with me in my hardest moments, when I was diagnosed with diabetes type 1 when we just started dating; later, she decided to have a child with me although she already had a child and was realised as a mother, and for me it was close to a "last train" (I was 38)... I would like to be here for her and I think I am still her best shot at living a more or less OK living till the end.
But, we have to move forward with this relationship, not because of me, but because of our son. Me bending too much created a big mess out of our lives. My career is at 50% at most, our son is entering adolescence and needs stability in family, and the overall atmosphere in the world is quite dark these days, especially here in Europe.
We will see what will happen.
Is there any advice on how to respond to such a direct divorce announcing?