Has your family member with BPD made you suicidal?

[GreyRocker]

1st post here. I have an older sibling that everyone suspects of having BPD. This isn't just an armchair diagnosis either but family members who are psychists are the ones who suggested that she might have this disorder. Other than that she has not been formally diagnosed.

A couple years ago I had a failed suicide attempt. To be honest she was the reason that my depression became worse and why I started self harming. She made me feel like a complete burden to the family to the point where I would skip meals because I felt like food was wasted on me. It turns out she made other family members feel suicidal too. When I brought this up in a heated argument a couple of years ago of course she felt sorry, for herself.

When the topic of suicide and BPD comes up it always in reference to them but what about the people around them? How do they cope? Have they made you feel suicidal before?

[Methuen]

I am sorry for what you have experienced.  

There is a lot in your post.

When the topic of suicide and BPD comes up it always in reference to them but what about the people around them? How do they cope? Have they made you feel suicidal before?

You raise a few really good points here.  

It seems like where dysfunctional people are concerned, they somehow manage to corner the attention and the caring.

I get it in a way.  If someone has had an attempt, it's natural in a sidewalk conversation to gently inquire how that person is doing and to show some caring.  But I think your point is that there are ripple effects on family members, and that they suffer too.  But the same level of enquiry or caring isn't necessarily focussed on the family members.  Sometimes we can even feel completely invisible or unimportant or even worthless.  But we too are affected and suffering and caught in their web.  But nobody asks how "we" are doing.

Have I got that right?

It sounds like you later discovered that other family members were also acutely affected by your sister's behavior, and she made them feel suicidal too.  I'm glad you were able to find this support, and see that "you weren't the problem".

I think that when it comes to people whom we recognize "make us feel bad", this is a big red flag for an unhealthy relationship.  A lot of us on this site have gone to significant lengths to avoid unnecessary contact with people who make us feel bad, whether it be family members, coworkers, community members or friends.  Sometimes this is hard to do or maybe even impossible (if we live with them or work with them), but we're going to be more likely to thrive in settings where we feel safe, supported, respected, valued, so it just makes sense to control what we can to spend more time around those kind of people, and less time around the people who make us feel bad.

When I brought this up in a heated argument a couple of years ago of course she felt sorry, for herself.

Classic.  I have learned that dysfunctional people are unable to "repair".  In my case, when I tried to communicate with my mom (before I understood BPD) and work through a problem to try to initiate repair to the relationship, she would turn it on me and say something like "you always make me feel bad about myself!"  "Why do you have to do that?"  "What's wrong with you?" These gaslighting episodes turned into attacks on me.  Is that the kind of thing you mean when you say she felt sorry, "for herself"?  

I am an only child, so I was my mother's only target for all her emotional nasty projections as well as the groomed enmeshment as her "golden child".  

The sibling relationship is very different.  Are you able to maintain some space from this sibling to any degree, or do they occupy a major role in your life?

Personally I don't have a lot of "close" experience with suicide or suicidal ideation or people who have attempted, but I know people who do.  It is so so difficult.  My mother has talked about it at different times, but more as a ploy for attention.  She has never attempted.

A distant cousin of mine had a son who committed suicide (they live far away).  After that she went no contact with her mother.  Families are complicated.  I can only speculate.

How are you feeling now GreyRocker?  Have you got people around you in life who are more supportive?

I'm glad you found us here, and initiated this conversation.  I think you're asking really valuable questions. Hopefully others can join in.  

[Notwendy]

First and most important- you are a valued person! If you are feeling suicidal -please seek immediate help. You are worth it!! Don't ever forget this.

I know family members of people who did this. They are not the same emotionally. To say they are devastated forever would be an understatement. This is one reason I would say to anyone who is thinking about this- someone loves you, someone would be unimaginably devastated forever. Please know that you are loved and valued.

BPD mother has had attempts, but she has a strong survival instinct. These were attention seeking, punishing, manipulative behaviors. Still, even atttempts are dangerous and very scary for people who care about them.

For me personally, it isn't a consideration. I think for me it's due to a foundation in religious principles. Not from a judgemental standpoint but that each human has infinite value.  This isn't meant to be preachy- whatever anyone believes is their choice-- but at least believe this:  each person has the ability to make a positive difference in this world and is valued. Hold on to that- this is how you cope. You are valued. Nobody has the ability to take your value from you. . Your mother's feelings do not define you.

I can relate to some of your feelings. Growing up, there was stress over finances- not due to lack of money but my mother's spending and control over it. In addition, needing anything- attention, time, from my parents seemed like asking too much of them. The focus was on my mother's feelings and issues and our role was to walk on eggshells and avoid "upsetting" her.

I felt like a burden to my family. BPD mother would blame me for the issues in the family and so I believed that the way to make them happy was to leave- which I did when I could go to college. Of course, that wasn't true and their issues continued after that. I felt safer when I didn't need or take anything from them. I did what I could to support myself through school and ask as little as possible of them.

My response to my mother's opinions was that I wanted to prove her wrong. I responded with behaviors that were still disfunctional- in another way. I became a people pleaser- trying to make people like me,  but overfunctioning- being co-dependent. My own self esteem was low. I felt I had to do this to compensate.

As to bringing up your feelings with your mother and her response- this is also typical of my mother. I think it would help to look at the Karmpan triangle. My BPD mother's perspective is as Victim and I think most people with BPD have that perspective. If approached with someone else's feelings- to them, this feels like a threat. Other people can not be in victim position. So the reaction will be that they respond as Victim.

Another way to cope is to make connections with people who can be emotionally present and supportive. Counseling is important. We can change the dynamics we grew up with. I also have been in CODA and ACA groups which helps too. There's a saying in 12 steps "don't go to an empty well to get a drink of water". Emotionally, your mother and sibling can not provide validation for your feelings. Other people can. So I will repeat- yes, it is difficult to grow up with people who can not validate you- but this is their inability to do so- this is their limitations- and not anything true about you. They don't have any power over your value. They don't define you. Your value is infinitely greater than that. Please hold on to that truth.

[Notwendy]

Correction- I thought you have both a mother and sister with BPD- it's your sister.

However, family dynamics involve the entire family. In the case of your sister, it's possible that your parents were more focused on her behavior and so not always emotionally available for you. In a similar way, my father was focused on my BPD mother-due to her behavior. He did not have BPD.

[CC43]

Hi there,

You bring up a great point, which is that living with a loved one with BPD can be traumatic. I think that’s why there are hundreds of people who are on this site. They have a hard time understanding, coping and maybe even feeling responsible for a lifetime of dysfunction. If they grew up with someone with BPD, dysfunction might be all they know. At the very least, it’s stressful, and long-term stress can distort your thinking. For some, it could manifest as sickness—many people on this site complain of physical pain and even heart attacks. Many others have tried therapy themselves. Some have PTSD.  Some have depression. People with BPD can act in abusive ways. So you clearly are not alone in suffering.

Based on your post, I worry that you were or still are in a very dark place. To think that food is wasted on you is not a healthy way of thinking. Your life is precious, you are important!  I know that when you were a kid, you didn’t have choices about where and with whom you lived, but as adults we do have choices, and that can feel liberating. Sometimes enforcing a boundary of no contact is the only way to protect yourself, at least until you feel safer and stronger.  And talking with a good therapist can help.

In my family, I have a stepdaughter diagnosed with BPD. I have felt despondent at times, especially when living with her. But what is clear to me is that there is a genetic and/or learned component of BPD.  My stepdaughter has a blood relative who died by suicide. Her sister takes medications to treat a psychological disorder. Both stepdaughters attempted suicide a number of times. I felt that suicide attempts became contagious, in the sense that the act became a “normalized” coping response to escape a temporary distress. It was so “contagious” that the first suicide attempts happened at almost exactly the same time in life (a Saturday night during the start of sophomore year), the same situation, the same place and the same manner for both girls. I guess what I’m saying is that it’s almost “normal” for a sibling’s mental health issues to spill over to another sibling, and that the dysfunction affects the entire family. And when one sibling seems to suck up most of the family’s attention and resources, another sibling might decide to act up to get some attention. At the very least, there are feelings of resentment.

I hope you see you are not alone in your suffering, and that you decide that you deserve to get some help if you need it.

[greenwitchvibes]

She made me feel like a complete burden to the family to the point where I would skip meals because I felt like food was wasted on me.

Wow, I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. Honestly, I have felt the same way. My father treated my sister and I like we were a burden, and blamed us for his dissatisfaction with his career/life. And it did make me contemplate taking my own life, very intensely in my late teens and early 20s. It was finances, and he did repeatedly insinuate that because I was female I shouldn't eat nearly as much as he does. It's really horrendous how that pain just multiplies. I hope you were able to find healing and peace and recognize that you, just by existing, are worthy. No one can give you worth, no one can take it from you. You just are worthy of food, care, safety, and love just by being here.