Can uBPD partners 50+ yo really be happier after divorce on their own, single?

[olafinski]

My uBPD 50yo wife, as many if not all others uBPD wifes, often threatens with divorce, stating that she would be more happy living single, in her own small tidy appartment, with just a small dog?

Does anyone here have an experience like that? That his/her uBPD partner wanted a divorce, and really went through with it, and indeed remained single?

Because I read somewhere that BPD is only triggered in social situations, and that basically if someone lives alone he is episode-free? Wouldn't that, then, be a better and happier life for them?

Or do they then have remorse or similar feelings about their decisions which make them depressive or auto-destructive?

I am talking strictly about highly-functioning uBPD partners that are not suicidal.

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[EyesUp]

@Olafinski, I read your other post about divorce as well.

One observation:  BPDs tend to express an idealized view of their feelings, rather than a fully reasoned desire or carefully constructed plan. 

It's hard to say why your wife says what she says... It may or may not align with what's practical, achievable, or what she may eventually do.

Two thoughts about all this:

You might tell her that if she continues to threaten divorce, then there will be a divorce (and you should be prepared to follow through).

The gambit here is that when she threatens divorce, she doesn't really mean it - so offering to make it real *might* be a way to get her to dial down the divorce rhetoric.  On the other hand, she may have some conviction - in which case, you will get confirmation that she does, indeed, want a divorce.  Be prepared. 

The more important question is:  What do you want?  Do you want to live with someone who is no longer committed to marriage?  Or with someone who cannot express herself without threats and ultimatums?  What about if this situation does not or cannot change?

About the apartment:  She may be expressing a feeling that she needs some time and space alone. The conflict is probably difficult for her as well, even if she doesn't perceive her role in it.  Perhaps there's a way to give her some space without causing her to feel rejected or abandoned?  e.g., you could set a schedule during which you agree to give each other space each day, after which you agree to check in to reengage?  "If you dream of having a space of your own, would it be helpful to try to create some of that right here, right now?"  Perhaps there's a regular time each day when you agree to give each other a wide berth, and a specific time at which you agree to check in?

Generally speaking, BPDs tend to repeat the patterns and cycles they know from past relationships when they enter new relationships.  Perhaps someone else can comment on BPDs living alone after a divorce - I'm sure it happens, probably more so later in life - but not sure it's a typical.  Self awareness and reflection are typically not part of BPD - in fact, the "disordered" thinking and extreme behaviors are likely due to the absence of self awareness.  It seems unlikely that someone with BPD would decide to live alone as a result of some self awareness, although a period of alone time might align with the predictable victim narrative that follows blame shifting and externalizing/projecting problems to others - often to a partner, former partner, family of origin, coworkers, etc.

Of course, everyone is different.

[Notwendy]

Perhaps I can add some perspective. I have an elderly mother with BPD. She is very intelligent but in terms of carying out daily functions or holding a job, (she's elderly now but as a younger person) she is low functioning, so this is one area she is different from your wife.

What I think may be similar is the tendency to project her negative feelings on to other people or circumstances and to blame others for them. However, since her feelings are a part of her and not external to her- changing the external isn't a solution to her feelings.

Since BPD behaviors affect the closest relationships- it's these family members who tend to be the ones to project to.

My BPD mother threatened divorce many times. However, she didn't follow through with it. She is single now, not by divorce but as a widow. Dad left her financially secure. Even though she was older than 50 at the time, she was living independently, owned the house, was in good physical health, and could do whatever she wanted. However, she still has BPD, dysfunctional behaviors, and she isn't happy- because of her BPD, not anyone else.

There's a book titled "Wherever You Go, There You Are" and I believe it applies to pwBPD too. Your wife may believe that she would be happier if she weren't married to you. She has the choice to decide to do this or not. If she's higher functioning, she may be able to achieve that. She still has her own free will to make her own choices.

Can she divorce you? Yes. Will she be happier? Only to the extent she's capable of actually being happy.