DIL

[Treenj]

My DIL, I believe, suffers from BPD. She was a joy to be with and I thought I won the lottery with her before my son married her. Immediately after their marriage she began to find fault in everything we did or said. We have 3 grand children and one is very sick and may not be with us long. My DIL will not let us see any of them. My son knows and has told us that she is so unreasonable but that at this time he has to concentrate on his sick daughter. I understand this. It is a parent’s worse nightmare to lose a child. Please note we are still all praying for a miracle. Anyway, my husband and I are hurting so much. Our son is not the same as he was. We are isolated. Note, my DIL allows her mother ( who left them when she was 7) and sister to see them. Her own father often gets the same treatment we do as does her stepmother who is banned from their life. They go through friends like water since anyone who says something she does not like is banned. Please help my husband and navigate this situation. We love our son and grandchildren so much and are just devastated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Uddermudder123]

I am so sorry to hear about your grand daughter and am sending prayers.

Although my grand son is healthy, I can totally sympathize with your situation.  My DIL has BPD and has cut off my husband and I from my step son and our grand son over my husband expressing disappointment about a birthday gift he wanted to give to his grandson that he was told not to bring to his grandson's birthday party (read previous posts for the full story).

My DIL always treated my husband and I differently than the other in-laws.  When our grandson was born, for some reason we weren't even allowed to hold him until he was almost 2 months old. I'll never forget going to the hospital to visit the day after he was born and my step son met us outside the hospital room to let us know that DIL was not in a good mood, didn't get much sleep.  We went into the room and she said not to touch the baby because he would start to cry.  Of course we respected her wishes but were a little disappointed.  We only stayed for a short time because they had other visitors come and the room was pretty small (it took us longer to drive to the hospital than the time we actually spent there).  Later that evening, I was online and low and behold the people who went to visit them and followed by others that same day, all posted pictures of themselves holding our grandson.

We didn't have a chance to hold the baby until he was almost two months old.  But even then there were conditions - don't get too close to his face, don't kiss him, etc...But we'd see others with him doing that. 

If they needed anything for the baby, a crib, car seat, stroller...they'd always come to my husband and I.  Never to the other grand parents.  But the other grand parents seemed to get carte blanche to access to  the baby, time spent with him, sometimes they got to babysit him, etc...

I'm not sure why we've been treated differently.  I know that my husband and step son were very close.  Spoke almost daily.  Until birthday-gift gate occurred.  And now, we have been completely cut off from them.  My husband has tried to reach out to my step son but receives no responses.  I reached out to both of them letting them we miss them and invited them to come for Christmas and received a response from DIL declining and stating that they weren't "mentally prepared to deal with us".  Deal with us?  Like what? 

So now, my husband has come to terms with the realization that he can't and won't chase his son, that he needs to take a step back with the hope that one day, his son will come back to him.

[Pook075]

Please help my husband and navigate this situation. We love our son and grandchildren so much and are just devastated.

Hello and welcome to the family!  This sounds like a devastating situation and it's a common topic on these boards.  My heart breaks for you- especially due to the potentially fatal illness.

There is only one real path forward in these situations- making peace with the daughter in law.  And trust me, I heard you...she's impossible.  My best friend's little sister is exactly the same and she's written off literally everyone in her life as well (including parents, uncles, siblings, etc.). They haven't seen their grandkids in 7 years, and they'll sometimes ask me to reach out for updates. 

It's heartbreaking, for sure, but you have to be the adult in the room because your DIL is incapable.  Leaning on your son to fix things is also a mistake because that will just add pressure to an already impossible scenario...he's powerless to make things better and if he tries, then things will get ugly for him as well.

Here's a few things worth trying:

1) forgive the DIL for everything, no matter how ridiculous, because the relationship with the grandkids is more important.  She's the way she is because of mental illness and you can't change that, but you can show her compassion and give her a little more grace than she deserves.

2) try reaching out with a peace offering, even if it means accepting unfair blame.  When the BPD's in my life push me away or fly off the handle, I'll say something like, "I'm sorry for what happened and I don't want to argue anymore because I care about you.  Can we move past this?"

I know what you're thinking- that's a terrible move with a BPD control freak.  But there's one goal here- to end the conflict.  If she says, "Well, you did this and that...."  Okay, apologize for it and show empathy.  Eliminate the need for that to be an argument or a line in the sand.

3) don't ask your son to fight this battle, but do offer him extensive support and help in any way, shape or form.  What can we do to help?  Are you eating enough?  Could we grab some groceries for you?  How can we support you?  This indirectly makes it harder for the DIL to see you as the enemy.

I hope that helps as a place to start.  Please ask away with questions so the family here can help!

[js friend]

Hi Treenj,

Firstly, Iam so sorry to hear about your gc.

In my situation Iam 4 years estranged from my udd and only heard  last year which was 1 year after the fact that my gc had been taken  to hospital unresponsive. It was such a shock that I couldnt sleep for weeks until I found out the outcome which wasnt easy to do as my udd doesnt have a fb anymore that I know of and all those who do still have contact with her are very tight lipped regarding her privacy and sharing  any details about my gc. I didnt even know that my udd was expecting another child until I decided to turn up unannounced on her doorstep. Luckily my gc recovered but to this day I still dont know what happened.

I can totally relate to the feelings of being shut out and helpless especially when you dont deserve to be at a time like this because of one persons say so.

I dont have a fb account as I think fb can often be used as a platform  to hurt those who have been estranged. Also my udd would use fb to fabricate her entire life and everything seemed to be wonderful in her fb world which obviously was not true, so I wouldnt read or put too much value into what is posted there.

I think in this current situation I would  offer an olive branch to dil at this time. I think phrasing it in way that you are offering help is something that she may go for. I would be offering to do things like sitting with gc while ss and dil take a break or offer to bring them food, or taking the other gc out for a while to again to give them a break. I would make it appeal to your dil in a way that you are there to perhaps be of service to her.....  rather than that Iam just there to see my gc. I know that my udd would even at a time you are experiencing make it all about her so I would just make sure to bite my lip and come across that way. I know that it is often the little things that are overlooked when looking after a sick child like finding time to wash our hair or going home to get change  clothes so I would try to base it around these little things. Try to phrase it in a way that you are there to help. I hope it works if you try it.

All the best