I need to end this, but he has nowhere to go and I’m afraid of how he will react

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 

I (44f) have been with my partner (47m) for almost 8 years. He moved in with me about a years into it. Our relationship has not been good for a long time, but I could. Ever put my finger on what was wrong and have tried everything to make it healthy although the work has been pretty one-sided.

Without writing a novel, I’ll try to provide some important info. He used to binge drink which I initially thought was the root of the issues we had. He has been sober for about 2 years now,  but the problems persist and just present differently - no communication, persistent negativity no matter how good our lives are, constant need for attention, validation and reassurance from him, jealousy of children, friends, family members, pets and work commitments, severe moodiness that is rarely talked about but felt by everyone around him, expecting me to be a mind-reader and also trying to read my mind, inability to take care of himself physically or emotionally, refusal to give me the support I need and instead thinking he knows what I need and being upset when I voice otherwise lack of sexual relationship/weaponizes sex and intimacy a very surface level relationship to me it feels like he is doing what he thinks he should be doing based on what he has seen on tv or elsewhere but there is no depth or true connection) , etc. I could go on, but just giving a bit of background to show some of the issues that are present and reasons I can no longer be in this situation. I started out doing everything for him and when I realized I was getting none of the same in return and started to burn out, I switched to trying to empower him to do things in his own. Nothing ever seems to be right or enough. He has made some very slow progress over the years, but it does require me to walk on eggshells a lot of the time and feel like I can’t be myself or even be comfortable in my own home. Every conversation that I have tried to have to state my needs or set boundaries has ended in a massive blowup, so we don’t even communicate anymore other than small talk. We don’t fight. The slightest thing can put him in a horrible mood for hours and sometimes even days.

Once he moved in, he revealed to me that he had multiple hospitalizations and suicide attempts and tied them to relationships ending. He once mentioned that he had been diagnosed with borderline and paranoia. I didn’t know what that meant at the time and tried loving him harder and assuring him that I wasn’t going to leave him. Over the years I have learned that I have cptsd, anxiety and ADHD which has led me to do a lot of learning about mental health disorders. At times, I’ve thought maybe he has a combination of MH things as well and have encouraged professional and self help, but he hasn’t pursued it. I even thought at times that maybe he had narcissistic personality traits (I have a history of dating people with those traits and also family members with them), but some of his behaviors are inconsistent with what I know about that disorder. Recently, I was reading about BPD and it clicked so much. Then I remembered him saying that he had received that diagnosis before, and when I asked him about it he denied it.

I know the best thing for me is to end the relationship, but I don’t know how to safely do it for both of us. I know that once we have the conversation, he is going to have to leave immediately for the safety of myself and my son and pets, not necessarily physical safety but psychological and emotional safety based on his reaction. He doesn’t have any savings or any friends or family members that he can lean on for support until he can find his own way. He also has old utility bills that are unpaid and can’t get things turned on in his name without addressing that first. I’m trying to wait a few weeks until he gets his income tax return and at least has money to secure a place. Everyone that I am close to and have confided in is telling me that none of that is my problem, and while that may be true, I can’t just throw him out on the street. I know he loves me and doesn’t mean to hurt me or affect my mental health the way that he does. He has an illness that I am just starting to understand, maybe more than one, and he has mentioned just the other day wanting to go to therapy to help him communicate better. I don’t want to hurt him or have him become possibly suicidal again. I know I can’t control those things, but I am trying to figure out how to go about this the best way for all involved. I’ve thought about calling his sister who he is closest to so that she knows what is going to be happening and can be there to support him, but I’m not sure if that will make things better or worse.

Any advice is very much appreciated!

[LotusBlossom11]

 

I (44f) have been with my partner (47m) for almost 8 years. He moved in with me about a years into it. Our relationship has not been good for a long time, but I could. Ever put my finger on what was wrong and have tried everything to make it healthy although the work has been pretty one-sided.

Without writing a novel, I’ll try to provide some important info. He used to binge drink which I initially thought was the root of the issues we had. He has been sober for about 2 years now,  but the problems persist and just present differently - no communication, persistent negativity no matter how good our lives are, constant need for attention, validation and reassurance from him, jealousy of children, friends, family members, pets and work commitments, severe moodiness that is rarely talked about but felt by everyone around him, expecting me to be a mind-reader and also trying to read my mind, inability to take care of himself physically or emotionally, refusal to give me the support I need and instead thinking he knows what I need and being upset when I voice otherwise lack of sexual relationship/weaponizes sex and intimacy a very surface level relationship to me it feels like he is doing what he thinks he should be doing based on what he has seen on tv or elsewhere but there is no depth or true connection) , etc. I could go on, but just giving a bit of background to show some of the issues that are present and reasons I can no longer be in this situation. I started out doing everything for him and when I realized I was getting none of the same in return and started to burn out, I switched to trying to empower him to do things in his own. Nothing ever seems to be right or enough. He has made some very slow progress over the years, but it does require me to walk on eggshells a lot of the time and feel like I can’t be myself or even be comfortable in my own home. Every conversation that I have tried to have to state my needs or set boundaries has ended in a massive blowup, so we don’t even communicate anymore other than small talk. We don’t fight. The slightest thing can put him in a horrible mood for hours and sometimes even days.

Once he moved in, he revealed to me that he had multiple hospitalizations and suicide attempts and tied them to relationships ending. He once mentioned that he had been diagnosed with borderline and paranoia. I didn’t know what that meant at the time and tried loving him harder and assuring him that I wasn’t going to leave him. Over the years I have learned that I have cptsd, anxiety and ADHD which has led me to do a lot of learning about mental health disorders. At times, I’ve thought maybe he has a combination of MH things as well and have encouraged professional and self help, but he hasn’t pursued it. I even thought at times that maybe he had narcissistic personality traits (I have a history of dating people with those traits and also family members with them), but some of his behaviors are inconsistent with what I know about that disorder. Recently, I was reading about BPD and it clicked so much. Then I remembered him saying that he had received that diagnosis before, and when I asked him about it he denied it.

I know the best thing for me is to end the relationship, but I don’t know how to safely do it for both of us. I know that once we have the conversation, he is going to have to leave immediately for the safety of myself and my son and pets, not necessarily physical safety but psychological and emotional safety based on his reaction. He doesn’t have any savings or any friends or family members that he can lean on for support until he can find his own way. He also has old utility bills that are unpaid and can’t get things turned on in his name without addressing that first. I’m trying to wait a few weeks until he gets his income tax return and at least has money to secure a place. Everyone that I am close to and have confided in is telling me that none of that is my problem, and while that may be true, I can’t just throw him out on the street. I know he loves me and doesn’t mean to hurt me or affect my mental health the way that he does. He has an illness that I am just starting to understand, maybe more than one, and he has mentioned just the other day wanting to go to therapy to help him communicate better. I don’t want to hurt him or have him become possibly suicidal again. I know I can’t control those things, but I am trying to figure out how to go about this the best way for all involved. I’ve thought about calling his sister who he is closest to so that she knows what is going to be happening and can be there to support him, but I’m not sure if that will make things better or worse.

Any advice is very much appreciated!

[kells76]

Hi LotusBlossom11, glad you felt ready to join the group -- welcome 

Am I following that you're basically at "100% done"? Like -- even if after you start wrapping up the relationship, he "sees the light" and "does a 180" in the moment, you would still be ending things?

Sounds like there are two strands to your question: one is the logistics, and one is more emotional.

Logistically, I'm curious about your living situation. Sorry if I missed this somewhere -- do the two of you own or rent your living space? If own, do you co-own it, or just one of you? If you rent, whose name is on the lease, and did you move in at the same time, or was one of you there first?

Does he work outside the home?

Is he in any kind of counseling or therapy, or was he in the past? Do you know the provider(s) name(s), if so?

How old is your son? And is your partner also your son's dad?

Emotionally/relationally, I'm curious about what your relationship with his sister is like. And what about his relationship with that sister -- do you think he trusts her?

...

I think it's significant that you are able to depersonalize a lot of what's going on -- not that it doesn't hurt or impact you, more that you recognize that he is ill and it's not like he wants to have BPD. This is a tragedy for all of you together.

In terms of "passing off" supporting him from you to someone else, yeah, that is difficult. Understanding more about his history of therapy (if any) and his relationship with his sister will help. Another idea is to contact a suicide hotline, whether local or national, describe the pending situation, and get their feedback. They may have some insights or perspectives you hadn't thought of, that could help in decision making. I believe texting 988 (national suicide htline) works both in the USA and Canada.

...

Do you think it is at all possible (even though you say not necessarily) that he would become violent towards you, your son, or your pets?