I can't do it anymore

[Betsy123]

So my BPD daughter with ME just turned 35, came to live with me and my partner 4 years ago as her chronic fatigue means she can do very little. We live in France, though she is not officially registered, so we can get little statutory help here for her. It's a long story and complecated, I'm not looking for practical guidance. Just some help.... how do you keep going? I don't know how you do it!!! I am so sick and tired of being told I am evil, a monsters and useless. After several hours of her baiting me I loose patience, then all hell breaks loose. I wish I could cry, at least that would be some relief.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Betsy123;

how do you keep going? I don't know how you do it!!! I am so sick and tired of being told I am evil, a monsters and useless. After several hours of her baiting me I loose patience, then all hell breaks loose.

Well, I don't think I could do it anymore, either, after hearing myself disparaged for several hours 

Maybe things could be a little better -- a little less intolerable -- if you heard less of that?

Is the home you live in large enough that you each have your own space, or is it small enough that you're often around each other?

What do you think keeps you sticking around and listening when she starts in on her blaming and ranting?

...

My thought is: if BPD is what your D35 is coping with, then she likely does not have the tools or skills to make emotionally healthy decisions. She will struggle with choosing to regulate; dysregulating may be easier for her, as the disorder may mean she has a skills deficit.

You are most likely the emotionally healthier person of the two of you, so while it isn't fair, it may be your responsibility for a while to be the "emotional leader" in the family. Emotional leaders make healthier decisions in dysfunctional situations. She probably can't do that.

Hours and hours of blame, baiting, and negativity isn't good for her to be doing or good for you to be hearing. It's bad for her, bad for you, and bad for your relationship. Someone has to be the one to end the cycle -- sadly, due to how BPD can be so impairing, it'll probably be you (and your partner) making those healthier decisions, vs hoping/waiting for your D35 to make healthier choices.

What if, the next time you noticed D35 "rev up" for another circular blame session, you chose to take a break from it?

You could say something like:

"Well, I have to go walk the dog, I'll be back in an hour" or "Oops, I forgot to go to the grocery store earlier -- do you need anything while I'm there?" or "Thanks for sharing those feelings. I need to take a shower, if you want to keep the conversation going, let me know when I'm done whether tomorrow or Sunday works better for you" -- statements where instead of asking her to stop, you take charge and take care of yourself and protect yourself from hearing hurtful words.

Maybe easier said than done -- though maybe worth a try? What do you think?

Just hoping to get you a break from all this somehow.

[CC43]

Hi Betsy,

I think many parents on this site can relate.  How do we do it?  I think we do the best we can.  That's all we can do.  In my family, it's my adult stepdaughter who has BPD, so I guess I don't feel guilt or responsibility, because I didn't raise her.  In addition, from the beginning I recognized that her accusations and venom were outrageous, typically projections, and have absolutely nothing to do with me.   So when she says things like, "You're psycho, you need mental help, you're narcissistic, you're hopeless, you're mean, you're a liar, you don't have any friends, you're useless, you're lazy, you don't deserve to live, the world would be better off without you!" what she's describing are her own preoccupations about herself, and have nothing at all to do with me.  I'm certain I'm not how she describes me--her accusations are so outrageous that I have to stifle a laugh sometimes, as if she were a little kid calling me a poo poo face, is that the best she can come up with?  But I guess if I were her real mom, I might believe what she was saying, and feel guilty, too.  If you stepped back, and looked at the feelings your daughter is conveying, rather than the facts (which are likely highly distorted), you might see a slightly different picture.  You might see someone who feels lost, rudderless, hopeless, angry, unloved, incompetent, frustrated and utterly confused.  She might have no idea of who she is or her place in the world. She's dependent on you and resents you terribly for that.  Maybe then you wouldn't feel you were evil or monstrous.

Yet even if you can see your daughter's dysfunction for what it is, it's still not very fun to live with her.  Negative moods can be contagious.  So what I do to cope includes taking walks and generally getting out of the house.  If she's having a meltdown, I'll try to silently extract myself from the situation, to let her have an adult "time out."  When she's dysregulated, she can't think logically, and talking to her doesn't help.  She needs time and space to cool off and get back to baseline.  Sometimes she'll be the one to leave the house.  I've found that it's important to let her go, and not to beg her to come back.  I view it as her time out.  She'll decide when she's ready to engage again.  The intervening quiet period is very welcome in my opinion.

[Betsy123]

Your reply is just great. It always amazes me how the angry language, and words are almost identical from one D to the next. I have been told in the past by my therapist, that the descriptive words she uses are more to do with herself, then me. I need reminding from time to time. 
And of course being her mother, single parent, tramatised myself, I fully recognise my poor parenting and damage and pain I have caused her.so as you say a lot of the guilt is still there.
Most of the time I do manage to be grown up, see the interaction for what it is, and help her calm.
The practical coping tips are great. It's just great to speak to someone who understands the situation so well. Thank you

[js friend]

Hi Betsy123,

What helped me to was to being to have my own life again.

My udd left home when she was 17yo and came back in her early 20's after she had first gc. Well I thought she was badly behaved at 17yo but she was much much worstly behaved in her 20's and seemed to think that she owned me and my home. Some days I didnt even want to come home because it was just so awful living with her and I realised  that I was getting depressed and began to isolate myself while udd was living her best life all at my expense. Anyway I began to make the effort to go out more and joined some local groups.
At first I didnt really enjoy being out socialising and it felt a little forced  because my mind was still on udd and what she may have been up to, but I knew that I had to do it for my own sanity. Next I decided to enrol in some adult classes which lead me to new interests and a new career. It also meant that udd didnt have my ful attention when I was home because I had studying to do. Those were some of the things I did outside my home. Inside my home I began to practice JADE religiously. When udd started her endless nonsensical arguments I didnt respond.  I also learnt to walk away and not respond when she she baited or taunted me. I also spent time in my garden if the weather was nice to just put some physical space between us.

I was lucky. My udd was not home for a great amount of time but it was longer than I personally  wanted or needed  and it nearly broke me. So my advice would be to develop your own interests, practice JADE  and get a social life build on having some kind of social life. I know that it can be hard to do so at first especially when our pwbpd have eroded our confidence and self esteem but we can owe it to ourselves to life our best lives.