Need a manipulation-free zone

[Desertrat]

I've been married for over 20 years. A few months ago, my spouse was diagnosed with BPD. While I'm glad the angry alligator got a name, I'm finding myself in real emotional turmoil the past few weeks.
Denial is always my first defense. Until he sat me down and read me a checklist for spouses, and the first item was "have you ever felt you were walking on eggshells?"  That burst the denial balloon. As I went down the checklist, and marked yes to most, I knew the psychiatrist was right about him.
My first cogent thought was, "what does this make ME? Stupid for hanging around?" The healed part of me responded with "if he weren't as sick as he was, you would never have pursued your own recovery with fervor." For I am a recovering alcoholic, and have been sober for a very long time now, and in pursuing that, I have learned to detach and make my own happiness.
As this has all settled in, and as my spouse learns to cope, I am recently plagued with anger, intense hurt, resentment and an unwillingness to deal with remnants of my own codependency. I am just wiped out. Fatigued, joyless and edgy, and I don't want to be anywhere near him, it's like someone is scraping fingernails down a chalkboard.
Yesterday, I made myself a list of therapists to help me. I will find somebody, I'm not unwilling to ask for help. I just joined this board to find comrades. It has always helped me to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I'm just reaching out for some support.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome  desertrat

You've come to the right place for help, accountability, and support. The realization as to a Dx of BPD is often just the beginning of the roller coaster. You've probably known that things with your spouse were not normal for a long time. Now that it has a name, you have to come to the acceptance that unlike other couples, you may never be able to get to "normal". But that's ok. Living with a pwBPD is very difficult and hard, but those times that things are good often make it worth it.

Take the time you need to grieve. I think all of us have been through this in some degree to another. With that grief comes denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, and eventually acceptance. It's a process. You had dreams for your relationship. You had life goals. You want peace. It's ok to be hurt about the things your relationship may never be. And then after you go through that grieving process, you can begin to make things work to create a different "normal". For instance, normal for me isn't that we never argue or that we have a perfect relationship. My normal (and I"m pretty happy with) little arguments that don't get too big. I'm happy with moments when I validate and divert a dysregulation. I love to see my H smile (which isn't often but when he does it, I savor those moments). Normal for me is different than normal for others.

There are lots of lessons on the right side of the page. I would suggest that you start from the top and work your way through. Lots of info on changing your behavior, communicating better, and learning about your relationship in general. To start with, here is one of hte workshops on radical acceptance:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

[Hmcbart]

Desertrat, I've been married for 20 years also.  While my wife hasn't been diagnosed, it is still very real.  I ask myself the same things everyday, "how did not see what was happening to me, I have to be the worlds biggest idiot!"   I spent 17 years in the FOG and after 3 years, I'm still trying to figure things out. I agree with one thing for sure "normal" isn't the same for everyone.  I can't get to "normal" with 3 buses and a subway ride.  I give up almost every day.  I find a way to hang on every other day.  After 20 years, the roller coaster is all I really know, but I paid for the tickets so I might as well ride the rides.  I have felt emotions I never knew I had after coming out of the FOG, most I do not like.  I'm pretty sure that's how she feels everyday.  I don't have any advice about anything because I'm struggling right there with you.  Just know you're not alone.