My wife passed 2 months ago and I’m so lost.

[Skedge2200]

I was in a 16 year toxic relationship with my wife who suffered with BPD her entire life. I feel angry, sad, confused and guilty. Hours after I broke off the relationship she took her own life. She had attempted it 4 times in the past 16 years. I am feeling so much pain and guilt over this as this time I was unable to save her. I don’t know how to move forward from this. I need help. It’s been 2 months and I’m devastated.

[SinisterComplex]

Skedge, welcome to the fam. 

I truly am so sorry to hear about this. There are no magic words here I can offer up. What I can say is that we do have a community here to listen and help support you through this very trying time.

I won't sugarcoat it...it is devastating, brutal, and it sucks.

However, to at least provide you some solace... She took her own life...that is never on someone else. Yes how you feel is totally understandable, but my friend please do not pin it all on yourself. That is not right.

I would say that in addition to using this resource here as a means to grieve I would recommend that you do find a good therapist because I think it will be vital in helping you move past this horrific event.

All you can do is truly take this one day at a time, step by step, and plan little goals everyday to achieve to keep your head focused moving forward.

However, so as not to overwhelm you...please just take some time to vent and ask questions. We are here if you need us.

Please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Skedge2200]

Thanks SC...it's been a challenging time. Has anyone here had experience with a grief counsellor rather than a therapist in this circumstance? I think that perhaps this is what I should be looking for? One who has specific knowledge of BPD and how difficult these relationships can be either in or out of one.

[EyesUp]

@Skedge,

My condolences. 

BPD brings unique challenges.  I wonder if some of the skills and exercises presented here might still apply, as in most cases we need to look inward to process the change we want to see.

My gentle suggestion is:  Focus on yourself, take care of yourself.  You may feel lost without someone else to take care of - that's normal.  You may feel absence - that's normal.  You may feel like some things are unresolved - that's normal.

The idea to seek out a grief counselor, or possibly a group - is a good one.  Aspects of your relationship may have been unique, but you may find common ground with others anyway.

Wishing you peace as you navigate these next steps.  Please let us know how you're doing.

[seekingtheway]

Hi Skedge,

I'm so sorry - I can only imagine the layers of hurt and grief.

How have you been doing this week? Have you had any luck in finding any support or a counsellor to work with?

Sometimes, if finances allow, it can help to have a number of people in our corner for these really tough times. I have found qualified psychologists to be good when I've needed to understand very complex situations, as they've helped me to pick things apart with a greater understanding of human dynamics, but holistic or specialised counsellors can be better for other things.

A grief counsellor could be great, but as you mention, one who knows their stuff when it comes to BPD or personality disorders in general might give you that extra validation and support that you need. You're welcome to unpack anything here as well that you can think of. Please take care of yourself - it's a lot to process. Wishing you lots of strength.

[Skedge2200]

Thanks for all the recently received responses. Much appreciated. I’ve now become a member in my city of an organization that has Counselling for those that have lost loved ones through suicide.

They offer free weekly group sessions, peer support and one to one grief counselling. They appear to have some experience with personality disorders and their relationships to suicide.(Had an intake interview yesterday). They were pretty thorough.

I look forward to my first session one to one session on January 20th. I know a lot of the feelings I am having are normal but still very much struggling every day with many different emotions. As we all know here in this forum a  relationship with a person with BPD can be challenging.

I miss her 24/7 and likely will for a long time yet. I hope that the constant rumination of the could have, should have and would haves will abate at some point.

[seekingtheway]

That sounds like a really positive step to have connected with an organisation like that. There are so many community resources out there, it's just a case of hunting them down. There's a lot of people who can and want to help, so I'm really glad to hear you're reaching out to access some of that.

When you say you know that the constant rumination will eventually fade, that's a very insightful comment, and one I feel confident is the truth.

Yes, you're right, relationships with someone with BPD can be very complicated, and there can be a lot to strip back and process, even without the loss of that person. So getting the right support, and tending to your feelings and emotions, and making space for everything that comes up is going to lead you in the right direction.

I recently spoke with a counsellor about some of the complicated layers of grief and pain I'm still processing as part of my relationship with my ex, and she gave me the analogy of a Kindergarten kid carrying a backpack - the backpack is so big and heavy for the child when they're in Kindergarten, they're almost falling over from the weight of it and don't know how to keep it on for long. But over time, as they get bigger and get used to it, it's much easier to carry. By the time they're a couple of years in, they still have to carry the bag, but it's no big deal.

Sometimes the hurt and grief doesn't disappear completely, and we shouldn't expect it to, but we grow in order to accommodate it and hold it.

16 years is a long time to be with someone, so I can totally understand you're missing her all of the time. It's good that you're aware the changing emotions are part of the process, but it can still feel overwhelming to have to feel all of those things, so I hope you are able to look after yourself, and let others look after you, as you move through it all.

[Skedge2200]

Thanks for your kind comments…16 years is a long time and I still carry a lot of anger for staying in it as long as I did. All the flags were certainly there but I either didn’t notice, was in denial or just too wrapped up in it. Borderlines seem to have an insidious way of showing love, taking it away and isolating you from family and friends. It happens over time…that’s what makes it so insidious in the first place.

But I was the forever optimist. The good times will outweigh the bad times. I will save this sweet little girl come hell or high water. I will be the shining knight in white armour.

How woefully wrong was I to think I could change anything. I would never wish this on anyone. Not even my worst enemies…

I feel like I’ve come through hell and still struggling every day for almost 3 months now. My grief and despair is the same today as it was 3 months ago.

[seekingtheway]

Three months is a very short amount of time, especially after such a long relationship, so it makes sense you're in a great deal of pain. I'm just really sorry that you're in the thick of it. It's really tough.

My psychologist often reminds me that this is a long game in terms of healing, and recovery can be in years rather than months. It can sometimes help to remember that it is meant to feel terrible, but you will make it through, and it will eventually become lighter.

I think many of us here would identify with wanting to be 'the one' who could solve all of the problems, and I think most of us hoped that one day it would somehow turn around. The anger you feel around the fact you stayed so long is worth investigating, but please go easy on yourself. It's not wrong that you stayed. You did the best you could with the information and the skills you had. And it sounds like you really loved her.

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks for your kind comments…16 years is a long time and I still carry a lot of anger for staying in it as long as I did. All the flags were certainly there but I either didn’t notice, was in denial or just too wrapped up in it. Borderlines seem to have an insidious way of showing love, taking it away and isolating you from family and friends. It happens over time…that’s what makes it so insidious in the first place.

But I was the forever optimist. The good times will outweigh the bad times. I will save this sweet little girl come hell or high water. I will be the shining knight in white armour.

How woefully wrong was I to think I could change anything. I would never wish this on anyone. Not even my worst enemies…

I feel like I’ve come through hell and still struggling every day for almost 3 months now. My grief and despair is the same today as it was 3 months ago.

"But I was the forever optimist. The good times will outweigh the bad times. I will save this sweet little girl come hell or high water. I will be the shining knight in white armour. "

^^^And this is the exact reason a lot of us came here. That mentality. The most important thing is to learn to create that savior complex for yourself and not for someone else. Easier said than done though of course.

Point is...you have plenty here who can relate and do understand your plight my friend.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-