Married realizing how bad this really is and feel stuck and scared

[GreenOlive]

My wife is not diagnosed. But she is diagnosed with Depression.  I guessed early on that she had BPD after frantically trying to search google for what the heck was happening in my relationship.I could not understand the emotional outbursts that appeared to be so much more extreme and irrational. At things that made no sense. I could not rationalize with her at times and it often felt like dealing with jekyl and Hyde. I never knew who I would get for the day.

3 years in, and things are pretty rough. They ebb and flow, but she is downright depressed now, and does not take any accountability or effort for our marriage. We don't have sex, havent much at all in the last year. She says she wants to be with me, but complains about everything and does nothing to improve it.

 I feel so  incredibly confused by her behavior her reactions. everything. Part of the time she wants a divorce for the dumbest things,  another part the time she says im "her person" and is so "in love"  the other part she is floating/depressed/nothingness. I walk on eggshells, I feel like I emotionally carry the load. I don't even recognize this person I married. It has changed me to my core. I am finding myself being a person with anger which I normally do not have.  I am feeling like the parent and the only adult in this right now. We are in a worse stage right now. Shes depresssed, laying in bed constantly, doing absolutely nothing, and just does nothing. Blames me for god knows what. I miss the ghost of my wife.

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[kells76]

Hey GreenOlive, glad you reached out for some support -- and

What a hard place you're in right now. It just reads like things have been slipping through your fingers the last few years, and you've had to watch but haven't felt like you could stop the trainwreck. Really difficult and painful... to say nothing of confusing, like you mentioned.

You shared that you feel like you don't even recognize her... were things different before you got married? Was there "an event" that happened where you can say "yeah, that's when things started to get bad", or not really?

Do the two of you have any kids together?

Did/does your W work outside the home?

And you mentioned that she does have a depression diagnosis... is she still seeing the provider who diagnosed her, and is she on any meds?

What about you -- have you started any therapy or counseling for yourself?

...

There have definitely been members here who've coped with having spouses similar to yours -- maybe the issues aren't as overt (yelling, violence, hitting), but just the sense that basic life is totally overwhelming for her. Members in those situations have also struggled with feeling resentful, too, wanting their spouses to function again. It's not easy.

Some people do suggest framing BPD as an "emotional disability", and that the two of you are in an "emotional special needs" relationship. An analogy could be: just like a person using a wheelchair would not be able to do her fair share of getting things off the top shelf, your W will also not be able to do her fair share of relational tasks. BPD can be pretty severely relationally impairing (as you are experiencing), and it makes a lot of sense that you'd be feeling angry as she does less and less and you do more and more.

While there are no guarantees, it's certainly possible that things can turn around in your relationship. It'll be less about "say these magic words" and probably a lot more about the choices you make that are 100% under your control.

Choosing to get some support here is a great choice 

Choosing to get therapy/counseling for yourself (whether she joins or not) is another really good idea.

It may be that part of your journey is grieving the real loss of the marriage you wished for, and coming to terms with the marriage as it is in the moment. A counselor/therapist could be a good resources for that process.

As odd as it sounds, some members, after radically accepting the significant limitations that BPD (and any mental health challenge) brings to the relationship, can find a way that it's "good enough" -- can find moments and times and aspects that make the relationship worth it, even with major "special needs".

None of this is easy... we'll be here for you on your journey.

kells76

[campbembpd]

welcome!

I'm sorry you're going through this. That's got to be hard especially being so newly married.

I've been here for a little over a year I think and still trying to figure out the best path. Actually since being here and reading some recommended books I do know what to do, now it's a matter of getting the support I need just do it. Start setting boundaries essentially and be consistent all the time. I've been married for 25 years to an uBPDw and I had no idea was BPD was until a little over a year ago. I had no idea what was going on with my wife. Molehills turned into mountains and most of the relationship an underlying feeling of having to walk on eggshells. Things were very mild at the beginning in my relationship. But year over year things got more emotionally intense. The last 7+ years have been especially tough and my wife is prone to extreme emotional rages, threatens divorce, blame. Finally that brought me to therapy and eventually a therapist said the words 'borderline traits' when talking about my wife's behaviors. He never diagnosed her but I researched, read as much as I could and I have no doubt that's what I'm dealing and possibly some NPD overlap.

So I will say I wish I had been in your shoes and knew about this in the beginning of my marriage/relationship. Like kells76 said - what you do is up to you and there are NO magic words. None at all. I feel like if I would have started 22 years ago my marriage would be in a much better place, I know I would be. If I were you I would read.

stop walking on eggshells - Randi Kreger
stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist - Margalis Fjelstad

I wish I had these two, especially the Stop caretaking book and starting following that advice as early on as possible. In my experience things won't get better if you don't take care of yourself, set boundaries and stick with them. Things get worse if years and years go by. Certainly in my situation anyway.

But you also know you're dealing with someone with depression so that's something I can't relate to and don't know much about. If she's been diagnosed is she getting treatment for the depression?