Depression effecting my life

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was the one who left her. She's hit me once before, and also called the cops on me once for asking her to leave the house.

We did everything together. She was my best friend. We work together. Drive to work together, gym, dinners, lunches, showered together etc. We truly seemed to get along when things were ok, which was about 90 percent of the time or more. Intimacy was absolutely amazing. I was planning on proposing to her this year. I absolutely adored her.

I've been NC since we ended things on Dec. 13. I don't know where she lives. What she's doing. If I've been replaced. I have a great support network in family, friends and my therapist. This is the hardest thing I've done. I feel dead inside and it's embarrassing.

I pretty much stay in bed all day when I can. I make sure to feed the dogs and take them out. I force myself to do cardio here and there. I'm showering less. Eating less. Drinking more, but also more water somehow.

I just can't stop thinking about her and it kills me inside. Although there were horrible insults, explosive arguments, etc, she was a net positive in my life. I saw a true future and thought we could get through anything. I feel so bad for giving up and that night is still a blur to me. She had created a divide between her friends and I and they hated me. I was already being pushed away from her personal life outside of us. That was my last straw, because I thought we were a team.

[Me88]

I was the one who left her. She's hit me once before, and also called the cops on me once for asking her to leave the house.

We did everything together. She was my best friend. We work together. Drive to work together, gym, dinners, lunches, showered together etc. We truly seemed to get along when things were ok, which was about 90 percent of the time or more. Intimacy was absolutely amazing. I was planning on proposing to her this year. I absolutely adored her.

I've been NC since we ended things on Dec. 13. I don't know where she lives. What she's doing. If I've been replaced. I have a great support network in family, friends and my therapist. This is the hardest thing I've done. I feel dead inside and it's embarrassing.

I pretty much stay in bed all day when I can. I make sure to feed the dogs and take them out. I force myself to do cardio here and there. I'm showering less. Eating less. Drinking more, but also more water somehow.

I just can't stop thinking about her and it kills me inside. Although there were horrible insults, explosive arguments, etc, she was a net positive in my life. I saw a true future and thought we could get through anything. I feel so bad for giving up and that night is still a blur to me. She had created a divide between her friends and I and they hated me. I was already being pushed away from her personal life outside of us. That was my last straw, because I thought we were a team.

[kells76]

Is it like she died, except she is still alive? Or is the grief different?

Your pain and loss sound so real 

[Me88]

Yes that's exactly how it is. Saw her daily for years. We were literally best friends. Did it all together, but also had our own friends and all. I didn't have to give up any hobbies or anything.

I miss her smile, holding her, cuddling, laughing until we cried. She was so special to me and then now, she's just gone, disappeared and it's like we're strangers. And I'm the one who chose it. If I wouldn't have broken up with her, she'd still be at home with me. If I could have just not reacted and then pushed the argument further. But at the same time, just sitting there being treated badly or disrespected isn't fair either.

I hate how the good times were so good. I do think they were real, but everyone and everything says otherwise. Just the unpredictability of the rage mood swings, the awful things that were said, the screaming, cursing, days of awkwardness....followed up by a couple weeks of amazing perfection....only to lead to massive argument about how I leave my tshirt on the counter and hate her and don't respect her which led to slamming things and yelling and crying.

A tsunami of unpredictable emotions. Even after all of the craziness, it was the best relationship I have had. I deeply miss her and just wish we could have made things work out.

[jaded7]

Yes that's exactly how it is. Saw her daily for years. We were literally best friends. Did it all together, but also had our own friends and all. I didn't have to give up any hobbies or anything.

I miss her smile, holding her, cuddling, laughing until we cried. She was so special to me and then now, she's just gone, disappeared and it's like we're strangers. And I'm the one who chose it. If I wouldn't have broken up with her, she'd still be at home with me. If I could have just not reacted and then pushed the argument further. But at the same time, just sitting there being treated badly or disrespected isn't fair either.

I hate how the good times were so good. I do think they were real, but everyone and everything says otherwise. Just the unpredictability of the rage mood swings, the awful things that were said, the screaming, cursing, days of awkwardness....followed up by a couple weeks of amazing perfection....only to lead to massive argument about how I leave my tshirt on the counter and hate her and don't respect her which led to slamming things and yelling and crying.

A tsunami of unpredictable emotions. Even after all of the craziness, it was the best relationship I have had. I deeply miss her and just wish we could have made things work out.

Me88 it's so clear how you feel, and I can tell you that I have felt the same way. I know exactly what you are talking about.

The way you write about the good times with her is touching, you must have a very big and open heart. I have and could now write that
same way about my ex.

The way you write about the confusing and hurtful behavior, also touching because I (and I'm sure many here) recognize it.

Respect, more to the point the lack of it, is an absolute killer of a relationship. Something inside of you knew that. As did something inside of me as well.

"Just the unpredictability of the rage mood swings, the awful things that were said, the screaming, cursing, days of awkwardness....followed up by a couple weeks of amazing perfection....only to lead to massive argument about how I leave my tshirt on the counter and hate her and don't respect her which led to slamming things and yelling and crying."

Oh the stories we could all tell.

Something I had to ask myself, because I miss my ex in the same way: is this a healthy relationship when the person I love calls me horrible names, mocks me, mimics my voice in anger, belittles nearly every little thing about me and my life, yells at me, puts me down?

I have a history of very serious depression, multiple instances of CSA (childhood abuse), SA as a young adult, serious family of origin issues, etc. Over the time we've been apart, I've come to identify two sides of myself....the part that LOVED being loved by her (in my mind) and the part that was deeply hurt by her intentional hurting of me, a part that knew this was not good.

Are there two of her? Are there two of me? I think the latter. The childlike part of me that needed love, that associated being loved with being criticized or neglected, that part that thought being loved means that people get angry at you and are annoyed by your behavior and interests. Then there is the adult, mature part of me that recognizes that love from a partner should not include such blatant disrespect and verbal/emotional abuse.

The adult part of me left the relationship after a horrible episode, the young part of me has yearned for her ever since. I'm proud of the adult part, and I'm trying to heal the young part.

I think you did good by setting boundaries for yourself, but I know that doesn't mean your pain isn't real. It's a confusing thing, isn't it?

Great job posting here, great to see Kells respond to you. She was the person who first responded to me on these boards, and I'll never forget it.

[SinisterComplex]

I was the one who left her. She's hit me once before, and also called the cops on me once for asking her to leave the house.

We did everything together. She was my best friend. We work together. Drive to work together, gym, dinners, lunches, showered together etc. We truly seemed to get along when things were ok, which was about 90 percent of the time or more. Intimacy was absolutely amazing. I was planning on proposing to her this year. I absolutely adored her.

I've been NC since we ended things on Dec. 13. I don't know where she lives. What she's doing. If I've been replaced. I have a great support network in family, friends and my therapist. This is the hardest thing I've done. I feel dead inside and it's embarrassing.

I pretty much stay in bed all day when I can. I make sure to feed the dogs and take them out. I force myself to do cardio here and there. I'm showering less. Eating less. Drinking more, but also more water somehow.

I just can't stop thinking about her and it kills me inside. Although there were horrible insults, explosive arguments, etc, she was a net positive in my life. I saw a true future and thought we could get through anything. I feel so bad for giving up and that night is still a blur to me. She had created a divide between her friends and I and they hated me. I was already being pushed away from her personal life outside of us. That was my last straw, because I thought we were a team.

Perhaps part of the problem of having it eating you up like it is pertains to you making yourself believe you "gave up" and you feel guilty that you quit something. As a consequence you are letting it weigh you down like it was a failure. My friend I do understand how you feel 100%. However, follow me here...

Shift your mind set a little bit for me...instead of I gave up try to say and think I made a healthy decision for me and myself. You didn't give up...the volatility ran its course and out of self-preservation you made a healthy decision to put yourself first. That is not giving up...that is stepping up for yourself and having your own back and that my friend takes balls, guts, fortitude...fill in the blank...

It is hard right now because you have to go through the grief, but through the grieving period perhaps you will start to see the positives from breaking away from the madness.

Start being a caretaker to yourself! You deserve better so put the ideal of Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better into your mind.

Also, just to mention something...you feelings were and are always real...no one gets to tell you otherwise. However, that is the part you have to understand...they are your feelings and your feelings alone.

This relationship was perhaps meant to teach you some important things about yourself...take some time to reflect on that. Just because it had to end does not mean it was a failure. No my friend, it was and is just another experience helping to make you into whom you are supposed to be.

Keep your head up.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Me88]

I talk a lot, I'm unsure if it's good or bad. It helps me in my job and that's a focus now given my current brain capacity.  They were your person, you would defend them with your life, and that isn't an easy thing to happily do.

My heart is mine, I don't know if it's big or small or normal. I just know I gave all I could. Stare at the ceiling until 3am wondering, "that sucked. What went wrong?" Racking my brain. Because I know if i love someone so much,  I'll do what it takes.

And yes, confusion. Nothing made sense. Sometimes it did, it followed a linear path. And it worked for a week, or two. Then that following Tuesday you need to have a talk at 10pm after being intimate, about how they haven't been happy for a while. They dont feel supported. They can't be themselves.....but, 4 days later "I really appreciate you. Youre the most patient man I've ever known. I can't tell you how much you help me and keep me grounded. Your presence makes me better". Thats so sweet and heartfelt, and makes you feel like they see you and appreciate your efforts.

For almost a year, we had the ups and downs. But mainly ups, and I'd chalk it up to learning each other. Moving in a little early given her situation. But also being in love.

Is it love? Maybe. Everyone does fight. An angry wife might call her husband a jerk, selfish, an aszhole. A man might tell his wife she's stupid, crazy, stop being a btch. It all sucks. I never mimicked her. I did support her entirely. I put in the word to get her hired into her current position.  Told her I'd help her get the ball rolling and even guide her on grant submissions and federal regulations.  Her success was my happiness. Because if she's happy, I'm happy too.

As far as a bad history or upbringing.  Thats her, not me. I had it great. Struggling parents who supported us 100%, yet still have a strong marriage 40 years later, I wasnt abused/ignored/neglected. I was bullied a ton until high-school but I dont care about that anymore, truly.

She has some traumas, and several comorbidities but her descriptions are quite soft. And I feel guilty for calling her out on that, as she leveraged those traumas as an excuse to just dump on me, be awful and horrible. 2+2 = 7.... that's the way I saw or felt things. Nothing added up.  

I absolutelt think there are two of her. And they're so different. One is just this amazing human,  not even a love bombing version anymore, just a solid caring present woman.  And then the one who blows it all up, over any minor stressor or situation. Truly anything could cause WW3. I never knew what was right or wrong. Every morning waking up was a possible preparation for D-day. And sure, there are two of me too, maybe 10 of me, each day is different,  but I never exploded on her when I had bad times. My mom is in the hospital for weeks close to passing...my dad has cancer, lets hope surgery works...I'd just cry and hold her and thank her. I wouldnt start fights and scream. I know my emotions flow, but I never blamed her or took my stress out on her, that was the major difference.  I was there for her,  but when it got too much,  she'd...detonate.

It's been 3 weeks. In that time we have separated.  She has called the cops on me. My police officer sister has been the intermediate for us. All of her things are gone. I feel like I drove into a wall at 100mph and I wasn't prepared and didn't predict this

[Me88]

Perhaps part of the problem of having it eating you up like it is pertains to you making yourself believe you "gave up" and you feel guilty that you quit something. As a consequence you are letting it weigh you down like it was a failure. My friend I do understand how you feel 100%. However, follow me here...

Shift your mind set a little bit for me...instead of I gave up try to say and think I made a healthy decision for me and myself. You didn't give up...the volatility ran its course and out of self-preservation you made a healthy decision to put yourself first. That is not giving up...that is stepping up for yourself and having your own back and that my friend takes balls, guts, fortitude...fill in the blank...

It is hard right now because you have to go through the grief, but through the grieving period perhaps you will start to see the positives from breaking away from the madness.

Start being a caretaker to yourself! You deserve better so put the ideal of Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better into your mind.

Also, just to mention something...you feelings were and are always real...no one gets to tell you otherwise. However, that is the part you have to understand...they are your feelings and your feelings alone.

This relationship was perhaps meant to teach you some important things about yourself...take some time to reflect on that. Just because it had to end does not mean it was a failure. No my friend, it was and is just another experience helping to make you into whom you are supposed to be.

Keep your head up.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

I did give up. And that sucks to me. In a non arrogant way, all aspects of me minus relationships,  I can navigate these things. Nothing is impossible.  I'm so happy with what ive accomplished so far and my skills.

Yes, the craziness added up,  and all came to a head. But I'm weird, in that sticking up for myself also means fighting for what I want in my life and not simply walking away. I tried for almost 3 years. I always have my own back, and with that I know that I dont know everything.  Sometimes I'm right. Sometimes I'm a freaking idiot. And I know that.

And the caretaker part is even worse. I have an endless drive. And it doesn't really drain me.  I'll never neglect myself. At work, I'm the go to for anything. I can easily switch my brain to what's needed. I'm almost capped out career wise at a relatively young age with the government.  In life and professional life, I'm able to ride the wave and just make it all happen. But not with this, and that is killing me. I can give more focus to this in a non robotic or creepy way. I just care.

I fear what has helped me be capable and successful,  will also be a downfall. These skills are not transferable when one side has mental health issues to sort out.

[HoratioX]

I want you to consider what I'm about to say carefully: You did the right thing by breaking it off with her.

I'll say it again.

You did the right thing by breaking it off with her.

What you're experiencing is very much what a drug addict goes through as withdrawal. Someone was in your life for a significant period of time, and in doing that, they flooded your body with the same kind of chemicals (and more) drugs like heroin do. Now, you're going through withdrawal, though it's also deeply emotional. Of course it is. All relationships on some level do this.

But I also want you to remember that what you saw as comfort and compatibility are not. What they were is a person who was able on some level to become something you wanted to feed off of what you provided her. A kind of parasitical relationship. When she didn't get what she wanted -- for whatever emotional or psychological reason that might have been -- she acted up negatively.  In those moments, she was not able to keep up the facade anymore, and the illusion disappeared.

That's what you sensed. That's what, in part, led you to break up with her.

Your instincts there were correct.  With someone who has a profound personality disorder/mental illness like BPD (or anxiety and CPTSD), there is usually no "there" there. Instead, it's an empty vessel that believes it can fill it up through the attention of others, only that attention will never be enough. They are in essence using others, even if they might be capable of feeling.

If you were to have stayed with her, it would not have gotten better, or at least the odds are not in favor of that. Some people do go into recovery, but that's the same idea as with an alcoholic. Any alcoholic knows they will always be an alcoholic. They have only, for the moment, stopped drinking. Someone with a personality disorder may stop some or all of the behaviors, but the urge to give in to them is always there. Even if they go into recovery, there is a good chance they will fail.

So, you are depressed. That makes sense. Most people are depressed after a break up, even if they initiated it. The difference here is you won. You escaped. You prevented the calamity that was all but inevitable if you'd stayed. As you work through this, you must keep this in mind. And you must understand that what you experienced as a relationship was a construction. If you've never experienced a relationship like that before or since it's because it was a construction. One even she couldn't keep up indefinitely. So as you look at a new relationship -- and you will have one -- you might not compare expectations to this one. This one's were unrealistic to begin with. And unsustainable, even by her.

[ForeverDad]

I want you to consider what I'm about to say carefully: You did the right thing by breaking it off with her.

I'll say it again.

You did the right thing by breaking it off with her.


If you were to have stayed with her, it would not have gotten better, or at least the odds are not in favor of that. Some people do go into recovery, but that's the same idea as with an alcoholic. Any alcoholic knows they will always be an alcoholic. They have only, for the moment, stopped drinking. Someone with a personality disorder may stop some or all of the behaviors, but the urge to give in to them is always there. Even if they go into recovery, there is a good chance they will fail.  ((fall off the wagon))

Recovery is hard.

For your ex, recovery would be really hard to accomplish because your ex has a lot of issues/perceptions to resolve.  That's why so few of the more severe cases don't achieve meaningful recovery, there is just so much Denial, Projection, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

Your situation is not so severe.  You - more or less - are relatively normal.  You can and will recover.  But just like with your ex, that's no easy task.  But fortunately you aren't into Denial, Projection, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

Whether she recovers is up to her, just as whether YOU recover is up to YOU.