Unsure if to get back together

[YuriG]

I was dating a polyamorous classmate with BPD for about 10 months. They and I are both additionally neurodiverse. It worked really well for us. They moved in halfway through that time. We were both on an intense university course. Several difficult things happened in their life, including a tragic death of an "adopted" family member (they have been estranged from parents for years at a time previously and this person served as a family elder for them for some years). They had some difficulties with university, unfortunately they got paired with a teacher that they had some conflict with - but stilll had to work with for two days each week.

By the start of December, things were really difficult. They have a history of self harm (some years ago to be fair) and when they withdrew from me, they would physically lock themselves in their room and this would terrify me, leading to an exhausting routine of "please open the door?" which happened probably about 10-15 times in total. I really struggled with the rejection and feeling "locked out" of their emotions. The thing is, I think I was pretty good at de-escalating maybe 80% of situations and finding ways through them - but it took time and effort and I felt I had to be the one to initiate those conversations, almost every time. I just wasn't able to sit with them for that many hours each day to help them through it - which I did do a bit more during summer when we were both off university. I accept that I took on too much myself, it was exhausting. Eventually there wasn't the space to communicate properly any more and I said I couldn't take it - so we broke up. They eventually dropped out of the year at university (with a plan to re-take the year after this summer coming). They went to stay with friends for about 6 weeks and now I am moving out of the flat for the next few months to a different university campus as part of the course, and they will return here once I've left hence avoiding seeing me.

There really wasn't anyone to talk to about this because from the outside, their actions looked attention-seeking and manipulative (and in the moment, it is very easy to buy in to that narrative even though I don't truly believe it and I know those actions come from trying to cope with intense emotional pain ultimately). They have themselves asked for minimal contact (except flat-related stuff), which is actually hugely responsible of them. Honestly, I miss them dearly and I myself was very close to picking up the phone to them over the festive period. I still think about them lovingly every day; feelings which were completely muted in me towards the end of us being together - replaced with exhaustion, anxiety and dread.

Therapy (for either or ideally both) parties would be a bit of a godsend I think, but it's not very accessible due to cost and I think it'd need to be somewhat ongoing for quite a while even once we were back together. They're on a waitlist for DBT and were infact offered a place but it was only available during times when they were at university. I hope they might get offered again and now finally have time to take up that offer whilst taking a break from their studies.

I'm just at a loss as to what to do moving forward. I think I want to ask if they'd like to get back together, but it'd need lots and lots of discussion before then. I think they and I would be mature enough to handle it. I know logically that I need to give it some time - at least a few more months - before properly considering getting back together. This is because if we were to rush to get back together, when things are difficult again down the line I just know myself that I will have that nagging thought that "this isn't what you really wanted, you were lonely so you rushed back in to it" and that will be really destructive to me. I don't know if I should even drop any hint to them that I'm thinking about them, though I did recently message them I was reading some books about BPD and that I understood better some of the things that happened between us. They appreciated this but still seem to be in quite a negative space mentally at the moment.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[kells76]

Hey YuriG, welcome to the boards 

Sounds like you're in a delicate situation with many challenging parts: university studies, loved ones passing away, your partner self harming, juggling multiple diagnoses/conditions, the breakup, moves... that would be a lot to handle at once, for anyone. Members here do understand your feeling of trying to keep your partner's head above water, to say nothing of your own. Like you reflected on here:

The thing is, I think I was pretty good at de-escalating maybe 80% of situations and finding ways through them - but it took time and effort and I felt I had to be the one to initiate those conversations, almost every time. I just wasn't able to sit with them for that many hours each day to help them through it - which I did do a bit more during summer when we were both off university. I accept that I took on too much myself, it was exhausting.

Can you tell me a bit more about how the breakup happened:

Eventually there wasn't the space to communicate properly any more and I said I couldn't take it - so we broke up. They eventually dropped out of the year at university (with a plan to re-take the year after this summer coming). They went to stay with friends for about 6 weeks and now I am moving out of the flat for the next few months to a different university campus as part of the course, and they will return here once I've left hence avoiding seeing me.

Am I tracking with you that you initiated the breakup, but then it was mutual (your partner agreed) once you brought that up? Or did it happen differently?

How long ago was that?

...

It makes sense that you're feeling at a loss about a path forward. At least from your post, it seems like the breakup was not hugely dramatic or hurtful -- yes, it happened, but perhaps not in a "never again" way?

My first thought is that it is important that your partner asked for minimal, logistics-only contact -- that could be an indication of putting up some protective walls during this painful time. Not necessarily something personally directed at you, or "final", but for now, that is what your partner may be needing -- a sense of being protected from pain. Trying to breach those walls or "get a message through" can sometimes backfire, as it might "prove" to your partner "YuriG doesn't respect me, YuriG doesn't really hear what I need, so I'd better put up higher, stronger walls".

It might be the best move you have at the moment, to respect your partner's request for "logistics only" communication, and wait for your partner to set the tone about any further openings in communication. Don't be the one to push for "relationship talk" -- keep it light, keep it focused, and that may demonstrate that you are a respectful, patient person, who isn't going to be overwhelmingly needy.

There are no guarantees, of course -- you know your situation best, so there could be other moves that are more effective -- but generally, when someone tells us "please don't contact me except about rent, utilities, and the lease", respecting that may help that person feel more comfortable with opening the door wider in the future. Hard to say -- but an option.

In the meantime, working on yourself is going to be key.

Learning what drew you to that "flavor" of relationship, learning if you have "caretaker/enabler" qualities, and learning more about the difference between enabling and supporting could be a helpful direction, as you wait.

If you have a few minutes, check out our thread on Are You Supporting or Enabling? -- I'd be curious if you see any parts of that applying to your relationship?

Lots of food for thought... fill us in on more, whenever works well for you.

kells76

[YuriG]

Can you tell me a bit more about how the breakup happened:
Am I tracking with you that you initiated the breakup, but then it was mutual (your partner agreed) once you brought that up? Or did it happen differently?
How long ago was that?
It makes sense that you're feeling at a loss about a path forward. At least from your post, it seems like the breakup was not hugely dramatic or hurtful -- yes, it happened, but perhaps not in a "never again" way?

At the start of December while they were visiting some trusted close friends of theirs (where tbh I knew they would likely be safe at least), I brought it up in a "I can't do this any more" and my partner asked "what do you want" and after some thought I said "I want life to be less difficult / intense" kind of thing. Initially the partner wanted to talk about it again the next day and I woke up anxious about having a further conversation and didn't call or message until lunchtime, at which point they messaged me saying "It's OK, we don't need to have another conversation, we're just flatmates now" kind of thing whilst still expressing feelings for me. To be honest, that was the outcome I wanted and my initial feeling was one of relief. Quite shortly after that they temporarily moved out and have been staying with friends until now. Yes, it was not overall hugely dramatic (just a few moments) and it was hurtful only insofar as any breakup would be, really.

My first thought is that it is important that your partner asked for minimal, logistics-only contact -- that could be an indication of putting up some protective walls during this painful time. Not necessarily something personally directed at you, or "final", but for now, that is what your partner may be needing -- a sense of being protected from pain. Trying to breach those walls or "get a message through" can sometimes backfire, as it might "prove" to your partner "YuriG doesn't respect me, YuriG doesn't really hear what I need, so I'd better put up higher, stronger walls".
It might be the best move you have at the moment, to respect your partner's request for "logistics only" communication, and wait for your partner to set the tone about any further openings in communication. Don't be the one to push for "relationship talk" -- keep it light, keep it focused, and that may demonstrate that you are a respectful, patient person, who isn't going to be overwhelmingly needy.
There are no guarantees, of course -- you know your situation best, so there could be other moves that are more effective -- but generally, when someone tells us "please don't contact me except about rent, utilities, and the lease", respecting that may help that person feel more comfortable with opening the door wider in the future. Hard to say -- but an option.

Yes, I've been trying to respect this - fairly successfully though not perfectly - if for no reason that even if we both wanted to get back together, I think I need to know myself that I did not "rush" back in to it. When the going gets tough in future, I need to be able to remind myself that I knew what I was doing and still wanted to be with this person.

In the meantime, working on yourself is going to be key.
Learning what drew you to that "flavor" of relationship, learning if you have "caretaker/enabler" qualities, and learning more about the difference between enabling and supporting could be a helpful direction, as you wait.
If you have a few minutes, check out our thread on Are You Supporting or Enabling? -- I'd be curious if you see any parts of that applying to your relationship?

Thank you for this link. Yes, I think I have excessive caretaker qualities. I have been reading a bunch of BPD books, my favourite one on account of how compassionately written it is is "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning.

I think ultimately the issue was that I was so scared of conflict - because the conflict would always be so intense and affect my partner so deeply - that I ended up completely shying away from even healthy discussion. Going forward I think acceptance would be key for me, so for example:

1) If we have a normal relationship conflict and my partner thinks about hurting themselves, that's not fully on me. They were hurting themselves before I met them. It's not necessarily a good enough reason to shy away from every small conflict for many weeks on end. And honestly, my anxiety about them hurting themselves is wildly out of proportion to the actual likelihood of them hurting themselves (which sometimes makes them feel like I infantalise them and paint them as more out-of-control than they really are - but it is really anxiety driven on my part)

2) Being a polyamorous relationship, we need to define rules and then I need to stick within those rules. But even so, sometimes that partner would need time to process things that happen which ultimately they say they are OK with but can have an immediate visceral reaction to. I need to take them at their word that they're OK with it.

Ultimately, I think acceptance for me would be about understanding that the partner will have some really strong negative emotional moments in their life - whether they're together with me and it's something I've done or whether we're separated and it's something else that happened in their life. It doesn't work for me to be constantly scared of causing a negative reaction, but it's very hard for me to feel like I'm not doing my utmost to avoid negative feelings in their life which are so strong for them.

[ParentingThruIt]

Hi YuriG, do you think they are capable of contributing to a relationship that will be healthy and satisfying to you?

Instincts for therapy sound good. That might be a good thing to shoot for before living together again.

I really liked this book. It's open ended about whether to stay in or leave a relationship by tries to be clear about what is needed. Sounds like you already have some good resources, just sharing in case it helps. https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/17170549-stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist

[YuriG]

I really liked this book. It's open ended about whether to stay in or leave a relationship by tries to be clear about what is needed. Sounds like you already have some good resources, just sharing in case it helps. https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/17170549-stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist

Thank you, I have downloaded that book as well although I'm not convinced it's helpful to group BPD and narcissism together and I felt it's not quite as compassionately written so far. I will endeavour to finish it though.

[YuriG]

do you think they are capable of contributing to a relationship that will be healthy and satisfying to you?

Instincts for therapy sound good. That might be a good thing to shoot for before living together again.

I think they are capable but have a long journey ahead and we both have quite high pressure university studies at the moment and emotionally demanding jobs in healthcare ahead, which makes it a touch trickier.

I would love to do therapy and I think they would be open to the idea as well, it's mostly a question of finding ways to pay for it especially as I suspect it would need to be a slightly longer term approach especially if we did get back together.

(sorry for double post)