Asked for Suggested Custody Agreement

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The problem with step up schedules is that almost never does it include step down clauses.

THIS!!!! Consider something that steps up to about 60/40, with a plan for what to do in case of a relapse or other measurable step-back for him. Perhaps it goes back to the current schedule, increasing every 2 months until it hits 60/40 (don't call it that, just calculate in your brain). 

[try2heal]

The problem with step up schedules is that almost never does it include step down clauses.

THIS!!!! Consider something that steps up to about 60/40, with a plan for what to do in case of a relapse or other measurable step-back for him. Perhaps it goes back to the current schedule, increasing every 2 months until it hits 60/40 (don't call it that, just calculate in your brain). 

[kells76]

Couple of thoughts.

*Is this all circling back to the proposal for a step up plan? Like -- sure, let's do 50/50, but are the professionals thinking "whatever, let's just do it cold turkey when papers are signed", or are any professionals saying anything about the transition to 50/50? Maybe it's back to that: you can agree to 50/50 on a really specific timeline with go/no go checkpoints along the way. "Sure, 50/50 parenting time is fine as long as we transition up to it over the course of ___ months per attached schedule, as long as both parents take the kids to extracurriculars themselves on their own time, and as long as neither parent cedes time to the other. If either parent doesn't take the kids to extracurriculars or cedes time to the other parent, then the parenting time schedule shall revert to status quo. Parent petitioning for further change to 50/50 after a reversion must X, Y, Z" (or something). It just seems like a huge waste of time to "agree" on 50/50 that he never uses... though I'm wondering if this is one of those situations where he wants the paperwork to say 50/50 but in reality he will parent at the 85/15 level he has.

There are benefits and drawbacks to that. Benefit would be if you "cede" 50/50 parenting time on paper, it may take the fight out of him, where he got what he wanted (a paper saying "you're equal") and will revert to his comfort level. So, nominally equal, but functionally the kids are with you per usual. Some fathers with BPD tend to want to "win on paper" and then rarely follow through in practice.

Drawback would be if "technically" 50% of the time is his, then it could make scheduling/planning difficult for you.

*Screen time: like EyesUp suggested, propose that at minimum one parent must have parental controls on devices, and you're happy to take on 100% of costs of that. If he wants parental controls, too, then you split costs 50/50. Either parent may ask for and must receive parental control access to share with other parent. Just so you don't end up in a situation where he's like "sure, I've got it covered" then doesn't follow through and you don't have a doorway in. I wouldn't put anything in there about hours of screen time or equal rules between homes.

You won't be able to control screen time amount, or device purchase/use, at his house and letting go of that, while hard, will make other things easier. It might help you be perceived as flexible and not controlling if you don't pursue specific screen time rules in the agreement. Unfortunately it's going to be Dad's house/Dad's rule, Mom's house/Mom's rules. Getting kids used to that soon may help, so it becomes an accepted expectation and they can't pull the "but Dad lets me ____" card -- they'll know it doesn't matter (in a sense) what Dad's rules are because this is Mom's house. EyesUp had that experience and we have too -- this is long game stuff, shifting to a two home dynamic where you really have to radically let go of some battles.

*Authorities sometimes focus on stuff we don't. CPS was extremely concerned about possible black mold at the kids' mom's house, when I was like, but the kids are scared of their stepdad throwing things and driving erratically...? You and I might worry about screen time but authorities may be more focused on school performance, like FD suggested.

I would start documenting how the kids are doing in school, who's at conferences, and -- especially -- who helps with homework and where the homework is getting done. You can initial and date HW the kids finish at your house, maybe keep a note of it for yourself. Follow up with teachers: are the kids turning everything in, which assignments are late. Make sure kids aren't tardy when they're with you. Check on tardy/absent records with the school. If school attendance/performance shows a significant difference between Mom time/Dad time, that might get you more traction than "they're on their devices all the time at Dad's". If they somehow get all their HW done and get to school on time... then I don't know what magic he's working, but it'll be one of those "well, Dad's house is different, but it works" things. I suspect, though, if they are on devices a lot there, you will eventually see the impact on attendance/tardiness/HW. And that could be what gets attention legally, again per FD's experience.

Just some thoughts...

[ParentingThruIt]

Thanks guys. He's unlikely to foist them off - he likes the control and predictability of having them close. But he tends to isolate them.

There's a lot of precedented norms for 50/50 and his prior experience as a stay at home dad for 8 years is a big hurdle.
My lawyer had worked with the GAL before and suggested her. I think she's competent. I think the biggest hurdle is he can present as very caring and thoughtful when he's not triggered / when he wants to.

He gets very intense, avoidant, and/or paranoid about medical and dental issues. He declined to attend any appts when my son had an issue over the past 2 months and sent me tons of texts with diagnoses he was sure of, but I was left to do all the navigation. He even bumped out an appointment to be later when I took the earliest available appt and it happened to fall on a week when he will have custody in summer. This is an area I can watch.

He also avoids social situations including school activities in many cases. this may get better a bit if he feels pressure to do so.

I am also worried about him keeping up employment vs trying to get me to continue to support him forever. but like you've said we can do things like impute income based on his employment history.

Fair points on screen time and isolation. Unlike the past, he won't be able to prevent me from doing things with the kids during my time, and their norms for things like play dates and trying new things have improved a lot in the past 2 years.

It's just hard knowing a) how irrational and avoidant he can get routinely about basic stuff and b) how bad he got when he was in a bad place, and for how long, and he's still blaming me. And he couldn't see how it was negatively impacting the kids, and he wouldn't make changes or take suggestions or explore options.

 To his credit he historically put most of his capacity into engaging the kids, albeit within his fairly narrow limits for different types of activities. But I am not sure how he will do if he has to navigate work + life + kids.

It's a relief having these issues at least flagged, even if it's not as much as I'd really like. and to have an order to fall back on so I don't have to negotiate everything all the time.

Thanks again everybody.

[ForeverDad]

There is a reason your adult relationship with your ex failed.  Divorce addresses much of that.

As much as none of us wanted separation or divorce, there is a benefit for the children, as counter-intuitive as that sounds.

That said, the kids will have two environments - dad's and mom's.  The benefit for the kids is that your parenting on your parenting time will be improved.  You won't be overly appeasing or having to deal with a mixed dysfunctional home.  The kids will grow up actually seeing the distinction between normalcy and whatever there is in the other parent's home.  From there, it's also a choice for the children to perceive the difference and choose - with guidance - how they will develop into adults and later make their own life choices.