Are there any stories of uBPD partners that got much better after 50s?

[olafinski]

Hi to all,
52 yo husband of a 50 yo uBPD wife for 17 years. One step-son from her 1st marriage 25 yo, soon to leave the house hopefully, and our son 14 yo.
For the context:
I am aware of my wifes highly-functioning BPD for the last 7 years (thx mostly to his community! bless you all). In last couple of years I got the impression that things are looking up. Episodes happen less often and the peak is lower, much less aggressive.
But, it lately, as she is slowly entering perimenopause, it's coming back again. It's again couple times'a week and the theme is our intimacy and why am I keeping her hostage in this marriage.
For the last 12 years we are not intimate sexually and also our closeness in basic physical terms if corrupted. It comes and goes away all the time, always resetting to zero and then growing up again, only to be smashed by the next coming episode.
I am a big part of this problem because I find it really hard to find again a way to get close after a hurricane. I am a creative spirit, quite emotional and introvert in terms of my emotions, so when she has an episode, in which she normally basically calls me the biggest mistake of her life and a total loser (I am not only very succesful in my job and the main moneymaker, but I also cook, handle all finances and take care of our son's school).
Even after 17 years, each time I am again afraid that she will really leave and turn our life into (a much bigger) mess (than it currently is).
Our son is also such a nice soul that I would never forget making him miserable. He is quite aware of her condition because I was introducing him bit by bit about how to "handle mum", not mentioning BPD but speaking in vague terms ("her mind is different", "she has certain problems" etc).
Lately she threatens divorce almost daily and I am again scared of the idea that she will simply be like this forever. I had hopes that with age her BPD will lose it's bite and become easier to manage, because it seemed going that way.
Couple of days ago, in a good phase, she told me "You know, I am now entering perimenopause and it might happen that I will behave erratic and be impossible to handle, so I am sorry for that in advance". I thought, OMG, it might get worse?!?

There is no way she will ever go to a therapist, father a doctor and was raised no to believe in psychotherapy at all... they think it's all just an easy way to make money.

So I am interested in any "success stories" of this sort, where somone endured long enough to witness his partner get significantly better at older age. I am strong both mentally and physically (though all of this doesn't help my diabetes type 1) and I can endure for now, but it would be nice to know that there is at least a hope that we could be an almost normal older couple in 10ish years...

Thx

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[ForeverDad]

I suspect that is largely a truism, an assumption from past social beliefs?

My marriage worsened when we had a child, she was in her 30s.  It's also why the marriage failed since I wanted to remain an involved parent.  It was high conflict for several years, ours was a two year divorce.  I had to keep going back to family court until finally we had an order that worked.  (I went from being an alternate weekend father with no temp custody to - eventually, in small steps - a father with full custody/guardianship and majority parenting time.)

That said, the conflict decreased once my child became an adult.  My ex, now 50s, is still easily triggered so I have to be careful of what I say whenever around her.

So I would categorize my issues with my ex as custody/parenting based rather than age based.  However, the conflict did reduce (1) once he was grown and (2) I remained at a distance.

[ForeverDad]

Permit me to dig a little deeper into your post...

For the last 12 years we are not intimate sexually and also our closeness in basic physical terms... I am a big part of this problem because I find it really hard to find again a way to get close after a hurricane.

Same here.  After our child was born our intimacy changed from frequent to rare, weeks and even months apart.  Sometimes in the morning she would hint of intimacy that night but always during the day she would get upset with me (or conversely hurt me) that by the end of the day I wasn't inclined to pursue intimacy.

Even after 17 years, each time I am again afraid that she will really leave and turn our life into (a much bigger) mess (than it currently is).
Our son is also such a nice soul that I would never forget making him miserable.

You could search my posts and see that some  contain a quote from a book, Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce, which quotes a person who said, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.

Lately she threatens divorce almost daily and I am again scared of the idea that she will simply be like this forever... There is no way she will ever go to a therapist.

Such threats make the home environment even more dysfunctional, not a positive for either you or your son.

My ex too refuse any therapy.  Interestingly, my family court studiously ignored indications of mental health issues.  After 8 years in and out of court, the final order commented in a footnote, "... the Court is inclined to order Mother to have individual counseling..." but did not order it.

Your spouse, like mine, is an adult.  You can't live her life for her, just as I couldn't.  Yet I had my life as well as my parenting to consider, so I had to deal with circumstances as I decided my path forward.

[Notwendy]

I wish I could tell you a success story.

My perspective is from having an elderly BPD mother - so I have seen an example of BPD over 50. And for the most part- my parents' over 50 years were the two of them. Kids grow up and leave home.

I would describe my BPD mother as very affected by BPD but also varied in her functioning. Her social/manipulative skills are high. He ability to manage daily tasks- low.  BPD mother would threaten divorce frequently- but the actual truth is- she was the dependent one, it was not in her interest to do it and she didn't.

My observation, from the child/adult child perspective, is that BPD behaviors are disordered coping behaviors. They seemed to correlate with events in the family. Family dynamics change at some times, there are stressors at times, even good events are changes- like the birth of a child- parenting young children, then teens, and also children leaving home, job changes, moving houses. My mother's BPD behaviors are always there, but they seemed to increase or decrease during certain times.

Her BPD did not get better. There were times it seemed less of an issue and times where her behaviors escalated.

Like your wife, my BPD mother looked to external "reasons" for her behavior. She has been resistant to therapy. The reason would vary but it was something external rather than realizing it's her own emotional issues. It was- the move, us being teen agers, my father's job making him irritable, or us kids acting out, or something external that she perceived as the cause of her feelings or her behavior.

From my own observations, it apeared that the situation got better for my parents for a while after we kids left home. But did it- or was it that we didn't see it? I don't know for sure.

If it got better, I think one reason is- less people to interact with. Dad was one on one with her. Less stresses on Dad in terms of parenting. We kids were out on our own. For BPD mother, more attention on her since it was just the two of them.

But it didn't make her BPD better. Not knowing much about BPD, Dad's default was to enable and walk on eggshells, reduce any demands or expectations on her. The problem with enabling is that- while it's an effective short term approach, it doesn't promote behavioral change. I don't blame him. Saying no to my mother results in an extreme reaction from her. It's difficult.

So some of this is chicken and egg. Did her BPD not improve due to the enabling? Or was the enabling due to the severity of her BPD? We don't know the road not taken. More is known about BPD now and there's also therapy for BPD. Maybe others have taken a different approach and seen improvement. Maybe some of the posters who have seen improvement aren't on the board now?

[olafinski]

Hi Notwendy,
thanks so much!
Your perspective as a child of a marriage similar to mine is incredibly helpful and if you don't mind I would like to ask a couple of questions, just to make it easier for me to cope with my situation. I am well aware that no two relationships are the same and that in the end I need to make all the hard decisions myself.

1) Looking back, are you happy that you were raised in a whole family, even though you probably experienced a lot of stuff that no child should experience?

2) If I undersand correctly, your father realised her issues and played it well, thus avoiding atomic bomb dramas. But you surely experienced her trash talking to him and making him miserable. What memories do you have of your feelings during such events during your formative teenage years? Did you feel sorry for him, realising its now easy to be like that as a man and that it is his strength, being able to function like this? Or did you feel that he was weak and is afraid of confronting her?

3) Do you have any advices to me as a father of a 14yo boy on how to communicate with him and how to best shelter him from bad influences of our marriage drama? What would you do, having your experience, if it happened to you? How would you save your kid(s) from having traumatic memories?
I just had a 1 on 1 talk about this (since my wife is currently giving me the silent treament, she just left to her room after lunch and we stayed at the table casually talking about it..). He said that if we would divorce he would say he wants to go with me, but also said (in a very mature fashion) that he thinks it would be best if we would stay together until he is 18, and that he thinks that this was her plan for a long time, to be with me until he grows up. He confirmed to me (thank god I am not crazy!) that she often talks trash to me and constantly theatens with divorce, which she denies.

thx so much

[Notwendy]

I will do my best to answer your questions- from my teen experience and also adult. Our emotional maturity and perspective changes. Growing up with issues in the family- this is our "normal"- we don't have anything to compare it to. So we may not realize something is disordered unless it is obvious. My BPD mother's anger rages were obvious but some of her other behaviors were not.

I don't look back at my experiences from the perspective of blaming my parents- but in context of family dynamics. Children who grow up with family disfunction may learn behaviors that are functional in that family but not functional as adults in other relationships. I looked at some of my own behaviors that were creating issues- one of them being a tendency to people please and enable.

First question- few families are "all good" or "all bad". Fortunately, my father had the economic ability to take care of us. There were financial issues due to my mother's spending behavior and emotional needs but we did not go without our needs being met.

Yes, we kids experienced things that kids should not  but we had good experiences too. I can't know what it would have been like if my parents divorced- we don't know the road not taken. I think that is a decision between adults. With my BPD mother being low functioning in terms of her ability to manage daily tasks, it was better for her that my father was there. On his part- I know it was diffucult for him. However, we kids were not the only reason they stayed together as after we grew up and left, they didn't divorce.

So for your second question- Each parent is a role model. I didn't want to behave like my mother. I perceived my father as the "good guy" in the relationship and so his behaviors- enabling, walking on eggshells- seemed "normal" to me. With counseling, I could recognize them and learn to change them.

I also perceived him as the victim of my mother's behaviors- so yes in a way I felt sorry for him. However, learning about the Karpman triangle and co-dependency, I see that their relationship was more complicated than that. As a teen, I didn't see my father as "weak". I saw him as the "normal" one and in many ways, he was the more "normal" (stable) parent.

#3- I don't know if it's possible to prevent traumatic memories. I hope your son is open to counseling to work on them if there is a need. I don't see counseling as only being for someone with issues- but for anyone who feels they need to work on something. I think a counselor is also someone outside the dynamics, and it avoids triangulation and also exposing the child to TMI.

Also - do fun things together. There were times when my father took us to places like the zoo, the park, museums, movies. These were fun times.

I think even in the absence of physical abuse- there can be boundary violations. Adolescence is a time when the teen needs to establish autonomy while still needing rule and limitations.There came a time with my own teens where- they wanted privacy - both physically and emotionally. Part of helping them to have emotionally healthy boundaries was to respect those boundaries.

I think gender can make a difference in how teens respond to their parents. When there are marital issues, and disfunction, there's the possibility that the son becomes a source of meeting the emotional needs of the mother- and this kind of enmeshment is not good for the teen. As a female child, BPD mother both projected her own issues but also I felt parentified- as an emotional caretaker.

I think one of the best things my father did was to get us out of the home environment. We spent time with his family where the dynamics were different. If this isn't possible- think of ways your son can have positive experiences - such as summer camps, scouts, sports, or the arts.

I don't think a teen can fully understand adult relationships. I think it's normal for kids to want their parents to stay together. Initually, I was afraid when my mother threatened divorce. Later on, I would have been OK with it - I wanted to get away from her.

Our relationship during my teens was difficult. I would have wanted to stay with my father. But I was thinking like a teen ager. I had no idea about divorce, the economics, custody and other issues or how divorce would have impacted the family. I also didn't fully understand my mother's disorder. I did wish better for my father but I also had no business judging what was better for him. This was his relationship. However, if he had divorced, I would not have blamed him.

From your son's perspective- he may have his own reasons for saying it's best for you to stay till he is 18. But, here's no way he's able to understand all that goes into marriage and divorce. He's also thinking like a 14 year old. I do think it's good that you and he are able to talk and that you will listen to his feelings and perspective.

And maybe the best one- what are you role modeling for your son? You are his main role model for how to be a man, a husband, a father. Doing self work- with a counselor- can benefit you, your marriage and your son.

So in summary-

If your son is showing emotional distress or wants counseling- then this could be good for him.

Having his own space, privacy, and positive experiences away from home.

You being a stable and safe person for him to talk to. Letting him know he's loved unconditionally.

You work on yourself and your relationship- you are role modeling what it means to be a father and husband by what your son sees, not only what is said to him.

Hope this helps!

[ForeverDad]

He said that if we would divorce he would say he wants to go with me, but also said (in a very mature fashion) that he thinks it would be best if we would stay together until he is 18

While family court orders do apply to children under 18 years of age, the reality can be blurred around the edges a bit.  Ever heard the concept of a teen "voting with his feet"?  Once kids get a driving license and access to vehicles, the order's lines can get a bit blurred.  It's possible that family court would be unlikely to strictly enforce parenting schedules on an otherwise well-behaved teen.  Again, something to ask local family law attorneys first.

My story... I separated when my son was still 3 years old.  Over the years my ex's behavior enabled me - in very gradual steps - to get more parenting time and authority.  The last case was wrapped up when he was still 11 years old.  I already had custody and was seeking majority time I had been denied before.  She was looking bad with even the GAL (Guardian ad Litem, child's lawyer) frustrated with her.  In desperation she had her lawyer request an in camera interview where, after 8 years in and out of family court, the court finally would actually meet the child.  Typically that's the youngest for in camera interviews so probably not an age issue for your son should the need arise.

The decision noted that they spoke generally and obliquely.  Apparently the deciding factor was that he looked away whenever they discussed his mother but more relaxed when discussing me.  I got the requested majority time.

[olafinski]

So it was again just an episode, the whole story about divorce, one again.
Good thing is that this time I didn't cave in and stayed cool. I didn't cry and beg etc. I behaved like "OK, you want to divorce? Let's talk about how to handle it in the best way".
It SEEMS now that the relationship is better, at least from my side, because somehow by not being overly dramatic about the divorce, I seem less distanced from her this time, less hurt.
Also the good thing is that I did a lot of talking with our son while it was going on so he also handled it better. I think now he clearly understands that mum has this "flips" where she is someone else, and that he can distance himself from her in a good way during her episodes, also trying not to provoke her outbursts. We will see how it will work later on when he dives into adolescence more and more.

In the end, from my point of view, the most imporant thing in dealing with a uBPD partner is: 1) Assesing if the damage, whether real/objective or perceived/subjective that she/he does is something you can handle, 2) Having a clear decision in your head, at all times, good and bad, based on 1), about whether you will stay "forever" or have an exit plan. This makes all the difference. What made things much easier to me is the decision to stay with her no matter what. The main reason is that I got diagnosed with diabetes type 1 couple of months after we started dating, at 35, and she really helped me a lot through this first couple of years where I was shocked by this (I was a healthy living fanatic). And later she gave me our son, in spite of having already a child of her own, so being realised as a mother. Those two things together, combined with my upbringing and what my parents taught me about life, honesty and love, are enough for me to have a firm stand on this. It is simply a debt that can never be repaid in full.

[Notwendy]

I think you found that by not reacting, the emotions settled down. Whether or not she was making an empty threat or was serious- you approached it calmly and it didn't escalate.

[ForeverDad]

And this time when she threatened divorce, you met it head on and said, "Let's figure out how to do it."  She expected you to plead, appease or something, not to instead take her at her word.  In a way, this was a new Boundary you have created... What you say has consequences.  She might even make fewer divorce threats in the future.

However, be alert that she may choose other ways to vent her feelings.  Sort of how when you have a balloon in your hands, you squeeze the balloon in one place, it will pop out somewhere else.

[HurtAndTired]

Hi Olafinski,

I wish I had more hopeful feedback on your original question, but my experience with perimenopause and BPD has been very negative. My wife's BPD flared with her pregnancy, before that it would have more minor flares with her monthly cycle. It has gotten much worse now that she is 47 and in perimenopause. I really fear how bad she will get once she fully enters menopause. Research shows that the worsening of symptoms of BPD with perimenopause is called "perimenstrual exacerbation." YMMV. I can only speak to my wife's symptoms and what I have read in trying to figure out why her BPD was getting so much worse after years of mostly stable dysfunction. I do know that research has consistently shown that dramatic hormonal changes negatively effect BPD.

Also, my research on the subject of whether BPD truly does "self-resolve" with age has lead me to believe that this conclusion is misunderstood. It appears to only be accurate inasmuch as that studies suggesting this are only looking at how the percentage of people who are hospitalized for BPD goes down with age. However, it is inaccurate to say that the symptoms abate with age. As Notwendy touched on, one reason for an apparent reduction in conflict as people age is that they have less interaction with others.

PwBPD either divorce and do not remarry by middle age, or they have found stable "non" partners who to some degree accept their behavior (at least enough to not leave). Statistically, the divorce rate for pwBPD is about the same as for the general population which means that although they may have stormy relationships in their younger years, those who marry tend to find long-term partners who are willing to caretake them. Also children tend to have moved out of the house by late middle age and are not there to observe disordered behavior. Basically, what we are left with is a large population of pwBPD in middle age who are functional enough to not be hospitalized. Because they are not presenting for treatment, the conclusion from the medical community was that they were getting better.

This couldn't be further from the truth. Studies show that as pwBPD age into their later years, their symptoms persist but that the focus of dysregulation tends to shift from romantic partners who have passed away to their adult children and/or caregivers. I believe that this has been the experience that Notwendy has talked about with her mother. I could not find one study that went beyond the "fewer hospitalizations for BPD as they get older = they are getting better" and actually demonstrate that the core symptoms get better for most people with age. The majority of pwBPD are never formally diagnosed, much less hospitalized for symptoms related to BPD. Many high functioning pwBPD live their whole lives without ever receiving a diagnosis and all but those closest to them are blissfully unaware of their disorder. I wish that this overly broad belief about things getting better with age for pwBPD would stop being spread around because of the false hope that it gives those of us of a certain age.

HurtAndTired

[Notwendy]

Hi Olafinski,

Also, my research on the subject of whether BPD truly does "self-resolve" with age has lead me to believe that this conclusion is misunderstood. It appears to only be accurate inasmuch as that studies suggesting this are only looking at how the percentage of people who are hospitalized for BPD goes down with age.
However, it is inaccurate to say that the symptoms abate with age. As Notwendy touched on, one reason for an apparent reduction in conflict as people age is that they have less interaction with others.

PwBPD either divorce and do not remarry by middle age, or they have found stable "non" partners who to some degree accept their behavior (at least enough to not leave). Statistically, the divorce rate for pwBPD is about the same as for the general population which means that although they may have stormy relationships in their younger years, those who marry tend to find long-term partners who are willing to caretake them.

Also children tend to have moved out of the house by late middle age and are not there to observe disordered behavior. Basically, what we are left with is a large population of pwBPD in middle age who are functional enough to not be hospitalized. Because they are not presenting for treatment, the conclusion from the medical community was that they were getting better.

This couldn't be further from the truth. Studies show that as pwBPD age into their later years, their symptoms persist but that the focus of dysregulation tends to shift from romantic partners who have passed away to their adult children and/or caregivers. I believe that this has been the experience that Notwendy has talked about with her mother. I could not find one study that went beyond the "fewer hospitalizations for BPD as they get older = they are getting better" and actually demonstrate that the core symptoms get better for most people with age. The majority of pwBPD are never formally diagnosed, much less hospitalized for symptoms related to BPD. Many high functioning pwBPD live their whole lives without ever receiving a diagnosis and all but those closest to them are blissfully unaware of their disorder. I wish that this overly broad belief about things getting better with age for pwBPD would stop being spread around because of the false hope that it gives those of us of a certain age.

HurtAndTired

This is interesting. I haven't looked at the research as my BPD mother was not identified in her younger years, and even though some people in her current care team have mentioned it - I have not seen "BPD" on a hospital record or formal diagnosis. My own assumption that she has BPD has been validated- but it's not on a chart as far as I have seen. I think this also reflects the tendency to use diagnoses such as "anxiety" or other symptom rather than BPD. I have not had access to any mental health records- these have not been shared with me.

So I do wonder what population has been selected for these studies. They'd have to have been identified early one.

I agree with Hurt and Tired's post. As to perimenpause/menopause, I don't know what it was like for my BPD mother-as it happened for her once I was grown and out of the house- and we didn't see the behaviors as much once we were out of the house.

We also weren't as aware of the extent of my father's caretaking. Children aren't as aware of these dynamics between adults. One aspect of the family dynamics was to maintain my mother was "normal". Teens can challenge this idea as we spend more time out of the house, interacting with other people, seeing other families- we know something is different. Once the children leave home, this situation could be more insulated.

As you can imagine- the "re-entry" of adult children into this dynamic as parents age was more challenging than expected. Not having seen all the dynamics- we just didn't know. While the intent was to be helpful- it also could have been felt by them as an intrusion. As adult children become involved, there's more frequent contact, involvement in medical and financial information, and decision making- all requiring relationship skills.

I also wonder about the "fewer hospitalizations for BPD as they get older". Pw BPD also can experience the more typical reasons for being hospitalized in their age group. So hospitalizations may be documented for these reasons rather than BPD and so not counted in the research studies.

I think, if there is hope, it's because there is greater awareness of BPD now and some treatment options. But for this to be possible, the pwBPD also needs to be willing to do this work too. In addition, there's a possible effect of changing the behaviors of the caretaker to be less enabling- if that were to be possible.

[seekingtheway]

I can back up Hurt and Tired's comments about the focus moving from intimate partners (who have left or passed away) to the children who remain for elderly people with BPD. My ex-H's mother is most certainly BPD, although never diagnosed. She has always been difficult to be around and did the classic idealising/devaluing/mainpulation... but she has steadily gotten worse as she's gotten older, and her symptoms have gone through the roof since she started to develop Alzheimers. She was able to hold it mostly together when she was younger and had parenting and work responsibilities, but now that's all done, it's like she can't hold it in any more.

But in a way, she's not able to hurt anyone any more - she lashes out uncontrollably but it doesn't have impact anyone emotionally. The family mostly just ignore or placate her. Her physical state now matches her internal state and it's impossible to feel much more than sadness and pity. When I see her, I see the extent of this terrible condition - I wouldn't wish it up on anyone.

[Notwendy]

One of the interesting aspects of aging that has "normalized" my BPD mother is that it is common for elderly people to need a caregiver. However, this is usually mostly for physical needs- getting dressed, preparing meals, transportation. For my BPD mother, her emotional needs are greater than her physical needs so it's hard to match her care needs to them. Also, the emotional needs are not only due to being elderly- they are a part of her BPD as well.

For adult children, being involved in assisting elderly parents is challenging in some ways, but they choose to do it. It's an important relationship. BPD affects all relationships so yes, the dynamics can be seen with adult children and also caregivers. Also, the relationship skills on this board do help some- not being emotionally reactive, not JADEing, not invalidating.

Yes, it's true that they can not "hurt" others as they did before in some ways, but there's still a certain sadness to the situation. Even if adult children want to help- they also have their own responsiblities- to jobs, possibly spouses and families, and also their own emotional well being. If the parent doesn't recognize this, then they have to have boundaries, and this leads to the parent feeling disappointed and also perceived judgment from others who don't understand the situation.

There's an emotionality to aging that is common in anyone- not just BPD. Elderly people don't want to give up autonomy and can get frustrated at needing care. Since BPD affects the closest relationships more,  aquaintances may not see the whole situation and attribute the behaviors they do see to aging.

[seekingtheway]

Everything you said here NotWendy tracks perfectly in terms of my ex-H's mother - literally everything.

I feel for my ex because out of everyone in the family (and there's a lot of them), he's the one she looks to for that emotional validation and support. She calls him no less than 20-30 times a day. Sometimes in the middle of the night. He asked me yesterday what I thought about how he should be responding to her 3am calls, and I was able to give him a little validation in terms of his approach. The funny thing is, he's got no interest in psychology or learning about personality disorders, or even talking about things deeper than surface level, but he's intuitively learned (or maybe it's survival rather than intuition?!) how to do many of the skills suggested on this board. He does it in a bit of a gruff way and there's a lot of eye-rolling and no doubt frustration internally, but he always keeps his cool, just validates her and tries to be there for her without enabling her worst behaviours. He doesn't take any of it personally and doesn't hold onto her tantrums and insults etc. I didn't handle her as well as well when we were married. I DID take it personally, and I found her behaviour to be impossible to be around.

Having said that, the cost to him in terms of being his mother's emotional donkey has been high, including the breakdown of our marriage - he just didn't have the bandwidth for my emotions and needs as well as hers, and when you read about enmeshed relationships between mothers and sons, you realise there's no space for true intimacy until the mother is out of the picture. He's a really good man though, and I hope that one day he'll find the space to have a closer relationship with someone else.

I hope this isn't too much of a sidetrack to the initial discussion - I think it's just to say that BPD doesn't just fade away, at least for some people. My MIL is undiagnosed and untreated though, which is such a shame.

[Notwendy]

I think this is all informative- to know about BPD at every stage. I am sorry that your MIL impacted your husband and marriage to such an extent. I think my H would also say that my BPD mother's needs take time and emotional energy in our situation. I had to have some boundaries on the situation, otherwise I'd also be expected to be available to her all the time.

I haven't looked at the studies that say improvement. I don't know on what basis they select the people in the studies or criteria for following them. From my own observation, the behaviors are relative to the situation. PwBPD also have "regular" experiences like any one else but BPD might influence how they process them and their behavior. Looking at relationship/family dynamics to change enabling behaviors might make a difference.