17 Year Old Daughter Left Home

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi.  I have a 17-year-old daughter who left home on Christmas Eve.  It's becoming very clear that she has no intention of coming back or of having a relationship with me.  I have been trying to give her the space she needs to process things but, in her words, "I have never been happier" and (re: my asking if I could see her) "If I get to an emotional or mental state where I feel comfortable with that I will let you know." She is living with two friends of hers who are in their first year of college.  My daughter is a Senior in high school. 

I have found myself a therapist and have had two sessions with him.  I am also signed up for DBT class online and I am starting to read some books on it.  My daughter doesn't have an official diagnosis.  I took her to have a Comprehensive Psychological Evaluation last March.  This is from the report:

Diagnostic Impression (DSM-5-TR ICD-10-CM)
F33.0 Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Mild
F41.1 Generalized Anxiety Disorder, With Panic Attacks
F43.10 Posttraumatic Stress Disorder
F90.0 Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Predominantly Inattentive Presentation
F84.0 Autism Spectrum Disorder, Requiring Support
Borderline Personality Traits

The psychologist said that while she shows traits of BPD he doesn't give that diagnosis to individuals under the age of 18.  My daughter was 16 at the time of the evaluation. 

My therapist has introduced me to Radical Acceptance and I'm trying to embrace this but it's very hard.  I have so much grief.  I had to take a week off work following her leaving but, this week I'm hanging on by a thread.  I thought after two weeks she would be ready to at least go to dinner with me or get an ice cream .  But, her latest text responses have me realizing this might not ever happen. 

I really thought things were finally getting better with our relationship.  Things started to get tough when she was 11, the year she started her menses.  Things really peaked at around age 15 and then got better for about 18 months until last year when she started skipping school and leaving home without permission or telling me where she was going.  Her behavior got very erratic and unpredictable.  But over the summer I started to teach her to drive a car.  She really loves to drive! And everyday after I got off work, we would practice and on the weekends we would take road trips to go on hikes or swims.  I also took her to a week long music camp for teens where the parents attended as well.  Everything seemed to be getting better and then school started again and we also had to move.  I expected a little regression but, I was not expecting her to move out suddenly without warning.  I thought I had at least six more months with her to work on our relationship.  And now it feels like I have lost everything.  I can't stop crying. 

[BrokenHartedMama]

Hi.  I have a 17-year-old daughter who left home on Christmas Eve.  It's becoming very clear that she has no intention of coming back or of having a relationship with me.  I have been trying to give her the space she needs to process things but, in her words, "I have never been happier" and (re: my asking if I could see her) "If I get to an emotional or mental state where I feel comfortable with that I will let you know." She is living with two friends of hers who are in their first year of college.  My daughter is a Senior in high school. 

I have found myself a therapist and have had two sessions with him.  I am also signed up for DBT class online and I am starting to read some books on it.  My daughter doesn't have an official diagnosis.  I took her to have a Comprehensive Psychological Evaluation last March.  This is from the report:

Diagnostic Impression (DSM-5-TR ICD-10-CM)
F33.0 Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Mild
F41.1 Generalized Anxiety Disorder, With Panic Attacks
F43.10 Posttraumatic Stress Disorder
F90.0 Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Predominantly Inattentive Presentation
F84.0 Autism Spectrum Disorder, Requiring Support
Borderline Personality Traits

The psychologist said that while she shows traits of BPD he doesn't give that diagnosis to individuals under the age of 18.  My daughter was 16 at the time of the evaluation. 

My therapist has introduced me to Radical Acceptance and I'm trying to embrace this but it's very hard.  I have so much grief.  I had to take a week off work following her leaving but, this week I'm hanging on by a thread.  I thought after two weeks she would be ready to at least go to dinner with me or get an ice cream .  But, her latest text responses have me realizing this might not ever happen. 

I really thought things were finally getting better with our relationship.  Things started to get tough when she was 11, the year she started her menses.  Things really peaked at around age 15 and then got better for about 18 months until last year when she started skipping school and leaving home without permission or telling me where she was going.  Her behavior got very erratic and unpredictable.  But over the summer I started to teach her to drive a car.  She really loves to drive! And everyday after I got off work, we would practice and on the weekends we would take road trips to go on hikes or swims.  I also took her to a week long music camp for teens where the parents attended as well.  Everything seemed to be getting better and then school started again and we also had to move.  I expected a little regression but, I was not expecting her to move out suddenly without warning.  I thought I had at least six more months with her to work on our relationship.  And now it feels like I have lost everything.  I can't stop crying. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi,
 I am so sorry you are going through this heartache.  Good that you are going to therapy for yourself.  It is agonizing when our children become estranged , more so when they are still a minor child .   For now, it appears she has shelter and food at least. Do you know if she is still attending school?  Does she have any plans ,that you know of ,after she graduates ? 

 Part of the reason most psychiatrists resist a bpd diagnosis before 18 is that puberty with the hormones does a number on the teen age brain with all the mood shifts ,and the brain not being fully developed .  This was my son's case when he was a teen.
Meanwhile, please do continue to get help for yourself by way of therapy and reaching out to us.  So glad you have us as a part of your network.  As you are able, please reach out to us again. Take this a day at a time.  For today, she is choosing to have space from you.   I know this is difficult because she is still 17, but just for today, allow this space to work in your favor  by  becoming more familiar with bpd here on this website. My thinking is that she will not be able to stay at her current spot  for too much longer without providing money eventually, so you probably should not look at this as a permanent situation- more like a " just for now" situation.   Please write more , read some of the suggested books listed in the "library " here and write in to us as you have need. We are here for you.

[js friend]

Hi Brokenhartedmama,


My udd also left home at 17yo.

She is now 31yo, has a roof over her head, 3 kids and a partner,

She now has stability which of course didnt happen overnight and without a lot of worry on my part but she also wanted her independence from a very early age regardless of all stress she put everyone through. when my udd was little she used to say that she wanted to live with me forever so i know that she was happy at some stage but things changed once bpd came into the picture. Your dd is still very young with impulsivity from the bpd and perhaps from the impressionability of others her age and so the plans we often have to with them are often sidelined so i found it would be better to take a one day at a time approach and more live in the moment then make set plans with my udd.

My advice to you BHM, is to take one day at a time and focus on your wellbeing and be kind to yourself.

I think that it is great that you have a therapist that you see regularly. I wish I had tried therapy myself. At the moment you are grieving and the tears will flow but please be assured that it will ease in time.

[2much4me]

Hi and I am truly sorry for your pain.  I can relate, many parallels with my story.  I watched my smart, beautiful daughter start unraveling around age 11 too and following several years of effective treatment, she took an abrupt turn for the worse around age 15. I will skip the details of all that.  But, a few months after turning 18, she accused my husband and I of abusing her and ran out of the ER (I was trying to get her a psych eval) where we did not see her for months.

Thank God, all our family and friends know about her illness and her history of accusations and delusions so they knew we never abused her.  But, the pain, panic, shame and feelings of hopelessness felt unbearable.  Those early months, when we had no information, I was like a grief zombie, but I think that having to go to work probably saved me. 

We are about 14 months into this now.   Following 6 months of NO contact, we started some tense and defensive texts to each other, I am pretty sure I initiated it. Where we are now: my daughter has housing and a job, for which I am SO grateful.  We occasionally exchange brief but friendly texts but usually only when she wants sometime from me. Otherwise, she mostly ignores my messages.  We've met in person 3 times and her attitude varied greatly each time. She still blocks my husband. 

I want to share things I have found helpful:
(1) A therapist knowledgeable about BPD.  We've learned its useless to try and talk her into anything or change her mind or opinion. Her beliefs "protect her" and getting anywhere near them causes her to run. I've learned to send consistent messages of safety/love.  Words are less important than non-verbal messages. So, I send her benign texts, photos about pets, travel, other family members, stuff like that. I keep it light and expect nothing. (establishes safety)

(2) Understand this is a part of family system. I started attending Adult children of alcoholics (ACA) and dysfunctional families, Alanon is another good option.  I learned that because of mental illness and addiction in our family, I brought my own abandonment fears and unmet needs to parenting.  Unaware, I tended to "fix", mimimize or distract my kids from difficult emotions. I did not cause it, but these things are not a great fit with BPD. Seeing these patterns for generations lessened my guilt that I caused it and helps me make new choices.

I hope you find this helpful, I'm no expert but these things have helped me to better tolerate uncertainty and estrangement. You are not alone, I know that the pain is so strong during the initial crisis phase, it feels like it will kill you. Please be kind to yourself, there is hope.