Feel like leaving my H wUBPD, but can’t afford it.

[JazzSinger]

I think my H is getting worse. He talks incessantly, yet he doesn’t make a lot of sense.  He tries to argue with me, by just going around in circles on topics that are of no consequence to either of us.  I think I’m looking at dementia as well as BPD. 

I thought I could ride this out, by being social, spending time with friends, talking walks, signing up for fitness classes, etc.  But sometimes, it’s not enough.  As soon as I’m in his presence, he finds something to pick at or complain about.  Often times I ignore him.  Other times, I feel I’m going to lose my mind if I listen to any more of his ramblings and rants. It’s no way to live. I’m in my mid 70’s.  I’m tired.

I think I have to find a way to get out. To maybe get whatever I can out of selling our co-op, and find a place to live, in peace.It won’t be easy — real estate prices in our area are sky high, but I’m almost ready to settle for living in a room.   I might be at the end of my rope. I just need peace, without his mouth going all the time.  And I know he will fight me tooth and nail, but I don’t want to even think about his reaction. 

Recently, I’ve had a minor health issue that has hindered my mobility for about six weeks now, so I can’t get out like I used to.  This is probably why I’m suffering so much.  Hopefully, in the next few days,  when I see a specialist, I’ll be pain free and more mobile again. 

I guess I’m just venting.  If I had my life to live over again, I’d make sure I didn’t have to depend on anyone else’s income to live well. 

Perhaps I will start with a couple of days away from home in a hotel room, and then come back home and take it from there.  I desperately need a break from him.

I’m so glad it’s safe to vent here. 

Thanks so much. 

[Notwendy]

If your H is having mental status changes- an evaluation is needed. PwBPD can also have other issues related to aging too.

As to selling the property. If either of you need additonal care at one point, for many people, Medicaid could possibly fill in the gap for cost. If someone is single- Medicaid will expect that all assets go to the person's care. If someone is married, and their spouse needs nursing home care- the other spouse is allowed to keep the house and other assets.

As much as you would like to sell and have two separate residences- that is likely to be costly and puts a residence at risk if one one of you needs care.

Also I don't know how your spousal social security and any pensions work if you don't stay married.

There's also the expense of a divorce and living separately.

This isn't saying you should or should not divorce or live separately but it's important to look at financial pros and cons too. Also, important to assess what is going on with your H and what medical needs there may or may not be. If he were to have dementia (hopefully not) then memory care may be something to prepare for.

Also, it may be something else causing his behavior. As my BPD mother has gotten older, how she responded to some medicine changed. She gets disoriented on one of them but once that was changed this stopped. Urinary infections, being dehydrated from not enough fluids- those can be causes too. So a good check up would be important.

I've learned these Medicare/Medicaid "rules" from my experiences with my elderly BPD mother. You are still quite young! But it is good to know the rules before you sell/buy property.

There are two ways to look ahead. One is an elder law attorney but in addition, there are Medicaid planners who advise people on how Medcaid works and how to preserve assets if possible.

[CC43]

Hi Jazz,

I remember some of your prior posts, and I'm sorry to hear that your spouse hasn't let up.  I think that a while back you were considering getting away for a night or two at a hotel.  It sounds like you're due for another getaway, and maybe even for more than one night.

I'm not sure if this applies in your case, but if you're in the northern hemisphere, winter can be tough on anyone, especially after the busy holidays.  Cabin fever and low vitamin D can make people a little SAD, short for seasonal affective disorder.  If you're stuck at home with an injury or illness, it's no wonder you're feeling blue.  Maybe that's why you really need a weekend to relax and ensure you're thinking straight before making a life-altering decision.

Anyway, I thought I'd ask if you have your own space in your home right now.  The reason is that in my family, everyone had their own space except for me.  I felt like all "my" rooms were shared--where the entire family was welcome to use as they pleased, including the master bathroom.  I didn't even have my own closet--my husband shared mine, and he had a closet all to himself, too.  If I were reading in the living room, everyone thought it was OK to interrupt me, or to ask me to do or get something for them.  For the longest time I didn't have my own space that I could arrange as I wanted, ensuring that my stuff remained where I left it, and where I could have some privacy behind a closed door, taking refuge from being bothered for a while.  I'll tell you, designating a "lady lair"--a space for me and me only--was life changing.  Somehow, by having my own room with a door, people would be compelled to knock first, and I think that simple barrier helped give me a little peace, quiet and refuge when I needed it.  So if your living situation permits it, I'd recommend appropriating a space just for you.  I justified it with my husband by saying, honey, you got to do whatever you wanted with the garage, the basement (man cave / rec room / hobby area) and the study.  All the kids have privacy in their own rooms.  I need my own space too.  I can't even work for two seconds on my laptop (at the dining room table) without somebody interrupting or asking me for something.  Let me tell you, getting my own space was amazing!   Before, I'd often have to get in the car and escape to the public library to get an hour of peace, if only from the blaring TV.  There was also a secluded parking lot that I'd go to sometimes, just to get a few minutes to myself.  That might work too, but it's mush less convenient.  And here's another tip--don't ask about it, just do it if you can.

Anyway, I hope you can get some peace and rest, if only for a night.  You deserve a break.  I understand how living day in and day out with toxic negativity can be draining.

[ForeverDad]

Regarding Social Security income, you've been married for longer than 10 years so if the marriage ends, you can be sure you get the higher of either your own SS or from ex-spouse's SS based on his income history.  And you don't have to ask his permission.  The SS office will not inform him so the only way he would learn is if you mention that option.

[JazzSinger]

If your H is having mental status changes- an evaluation is needed. PwBPD can also have other issues related to aging too.

As to selling the property. If either of you need additonal care at one point, for many people, Medicaid could possibly fill in the gap for cost. If someone is single- Medicaid will expect that all assets go to the person's care. If someone is married, and their spouse needs nursing home care- the other spouse is allowed to keep the house and other assets.

As much as you would like to sell and have two separate residences- that is likely to be costly and puts a residence at risk if one one of you needs care.

Also I don't know how your spousal social security and any pensions work if you don't stay married.

There's also the expense of a divorce and living separately.

This isn't saying you should or should not divorce or live separately but it's important to look at financial pros and cons too. Also, important to assess what is going on with your H and what medical needs there may or may not be. If he were to have dementia (hopefully not) then memory care may be something to prepare for.

Also, it may be something else causing his behavior. As my BPD mother has gotten older, how she responded to some medicine changed. She gets disoriented on one of them but once that was changed this stopped. Urinary infections, being dehydrated from not enough fluids- those can be causes too. So a good check up would be important.

I've learned these Medicare/Medicaid "rules" from my experiences with my elderly BPD mother. You are still quite young! But it is good to know the rules before you sell/buy property.

There are two ways to look ahead. One is an elder law attorney but in addition, there are Medicaid planners who advise people on how Medcaid works and how to preserve assets if possible.

NotWendy,

Thanks so much for your sound advice. 

My H denies mental illness as well as dementia, and is not open to help.

I think that once I’m able to be more mobile again, things at home will improve, because I can get out more. 

I think I was just getting overwhelmed, because I’ve been in the house with him for far too long.

I believe am at the age where I must  soldier on, continuing to expand my life with others.

Again, thanks so much. I really appreciate your advice and concern.

Jazz

[JazzSinger]

Regarding Social Security income, you've been married for longer than 10 years so if the marriage ends, you can be sure you get the higher of either your own SS or from ex-spouse's SS based on his income history.  And you don't have to ask his permission.  The SS office will not inform him so the only way he would learn is if you mention that option.

Thanks, ForeverDad.

I’m the highest wage earner with the biggest SS check

I guess I just need suck it up to ride this out.  If I stay busy, it’s tolerable.

Jazz

[JazzSinger]

Hi Jazz,

I remember some of your prior posts, and I'm sorry to hear that your spouse hasn't let up.  I think that a while back you were considering getting away for a night or two at a hotel.  It sounds like you're due for another getaway, and maybe even for more than one night.

I'm not sure if this applies in your case, but if you're in the northern hemisphere, winter can be tough on anyone, especially after the busy holidays.  Cabin fever and low vitamin D can make people a little SAD, short for seasonal affective disorder.  If you're stuck at home with an injury or illness, it's no wonder you're feeling blue.  Maybe that's why you really need a weekend to relax and ensure you're thinking straight before making a life-altering decision.

Anyway, I thought I'd ask if you have your own space in your home right now.  The reason is that in my family, everyone had their own space except for me.  I felt like all "my" rooms were shared--where the entire family was welcome to use as they pleased, including the master bathroom.  I didn't even have my own closet--my husband shared mine, and he had a closet all to himself, too.  If I were reading in the living room, everyone thought it was OK to interrupt me, or to ask me to do or get something for them.  For the longest time I didn't have my own space that I could arrange as I wanted, ensuring that my stuff remained where I left it, and where I could have some privacy behind a closed door, taking refuge from being bothered for a while.  I'll tell you, designating a "lady lair"--a space for me and me only--was life changing.  Somehow, by having my own room with a door, people would be compelled to knock first, and I think that simple barrier helped give me a little peace, quiet and refuge when I needed it.  So if your living situation permits it, I'd recommend appropriating a space just for you.  I justified it with my husband by saying, honey, you got to do whatever you wanted with the garage, the basement (man cave / rec room / hobby area) and the study.  All the kids have privacy in their own rooms.  I need my own space too.  I can't even work for two seconds on my laptop (at the dining room table) without somebody interrupting or asking me for something.  Let me tell you, getting my own space was amazing!   Before, I'd often have to get in the car and escape to the public library to get an hour of peace, if only from the blaring TV.  There was also a secluded parking lot that I'd go to sometimes, just to get a few minutes to myself.  That might work too, but it's mush less convenient.  And here's another tip--don't ask about it, just do it if you can.

Anyway, I hope you can get some peace and rest, if only for a night.  You deserve a break.  I understand how living day in and day out with toxic negativity can be draining.

CC43,

I hung on every word you wrote.

I think once I get a break, I’ll be ok. A couple of relaxing days away from him will be like medicine for me.

I don’t have my own room, but when he is in our studio, making music, I have the rest of our home to myself, for hours, so that’s good.  And before I had this (temporary) issue with my leg, I was getting out a lot more.  I’ll be back on track again soon. 

Being with him 24/7, with him picking over me every minute of the day, was making my head explode. 

This too shall pass.

Thanks so much.

Jazz

[CC43]

Being with him 24/7, with him picking over me every minute of the day, was making my head explode. 

Jazz, I understand completely.  My husband was picking over me every minute when he first retired.  He lost his routine and social connections, and at the same time, he was dealing with the very distressing (and costly) behaviors of his BPD stepdaughter, which seemed more draining because his income stream was cut off.  While he was rudderless, stressed out and bored, he coped by picking over me, surveilling me and snapping at me over nothing.  Every word was tinged with negativity and accusatory.  I think that because he felt he couldn't control his life (given the unstable situation with his BPD daughter), he coped by trying to control me.  He'd flip out if I left the house, talked to anyone or didn't do whatever he wanted me to do exactly when and how he wanted it.  He started micro-managing things that were beyond his expertise, such as cooking, and when I was allowed to wash the dishes (which wasn't after meals were done).  Whenever I looked at my phone to read a text message, he demanded to inspect what I was reading (even though 99% of my texts are vendor alerts/notices and silly chats with immediate family).  He demanded a daily report of my activities, not out of curiosity or for conversation purposes, but to ensure that I was doing things to his satisfaction, and yet he was exempt from doing anything for the benefit of the household.  If I ever sat down, he'd say in a mean and accusatory tone, "All you do is sit around all day!"  If you knew me, you'd laugh at the irony of that one.  That was pure projection of his concern about being bored and sitting around all day, by the way.  I guess what I'm saying is that I totally understand how draining this can be, being henpecked all day, but in his case it should be called roosterpecked . . . He was plain mean to me.  He treated me worse than a servant, because servants get paid and get days off . . .

Anyway, I think you've come to realize that a solution for this is to get out, get some space and prioritize self-care.  In my husband's case, he turned things around (for the most part) by rekindling hobbies and volunteering.  (I almost had to engineer the volunteering, by suggesting it several times, saying that I think he'd love to help with such-and-such.  I also had to pay attention to his meals, because when he was working, he had access to a "gourmet" cafeteria, and he'd buy himself ample breakfasts and lunches.  At home, unless I prepare meals for him, he doesn't see anything he wants in the fridge, or he's not motivated to throw together enough food for himself.  He'll just snack and graze, and that leads to "hangriness" before dinner.  So I adjusted by making him a large breakfast, including proteins (such as a boiled egg and cold cuts).  That really cut back on the afternoon grumpies.

I hope you recover soon, no matter what you decide is your course of action.

[JazzSinger]

Jazz, I understand completely.  My husband was picking over me every minute when he first retired.  He lost his routine and social connections, and at the same time, he was dealing with the very distressing (and costly) behaviors of his BPD stepdaughter, which seemed more draining because his income stream was cut off.  While he was rudderless, stressed out and bored, he coped by picking over me, surveilling me and snapping at me over nothing.  Every word was tinged with negativity and accusatory.  I think that because he felt he couldn't control his life (given the unstable situation with his BPD daughter), he coped by trying to control me.  He'd flip out if I left the house, talked to anyone or didn't do whatever he wanted me to do exactly when and how he wanted it.  He started micro-managing things that were beyond his expertise, such as cooking, and when I was allowed to wash the dishes (which wasn't after meals were done).  Whenever I looked at my phone to read a text message, he demanded to inspect what I was reading (even though 99% of my texts are vendor alerts/notices and silly chats with immediate family).  He demanded a daily report of my activities, not out of curiosity or for conversation purposes, but to ensure that I was doing things to his satisfaction, and yet he was exempt from doing anything for the benefit of the household.  If I ever sat down, he'd say in a mean and accusatory tone, "All you do is sit around all day!"  If you knew me, you'd laugh at the irony of that one.  That was pure projection of his concern about being bored and sitting around all day, by the way.  I guess what I'm saying is that I totally understand how draining this can be, being henpecked all day, but in his case it should be called roosterpecked . . . He was plain mean to me.  He treated me worse than a servant, because servants get paid and get days off . . .

Anyway, I think you've come to realize that a solution for this is to get out, get some space and prioritize self-care.  In my husband's case, he turned things around (for the most part) by rekindling hobbies and volunteering.  (I almost had to engineer the volunteering, by suggesting it several times, saying that I think he'd love to help with such-and-such.  I also had to pay attention to his meals, because when he was working, he had access to a "gourmet" cafeteria, and he'd buy himself ample breakfasts and lunches.  At home, unless I prepare meals for him, he doesn't see anything he wants in the fridge, or he's not motivated to throw together enough food for himself.  He'll just snack and graze, and that leads to "hangriness" before dinner.  So I adjusted by making him a large breakfast, including proteins (such as a boiled egg and cold cuts).  That really cut back on the afternoon grumpies.

I hope you recover soon, no matter what you decide is your course of action.

CC43,

You are speaking my life.  I’m in the same situation, especially since we retired. 

I’ve prioritized self care. I spend time with friends, I have  activities outside of our home that I enjoy, and he is involved in none of these things.

I find that if I give myself mini vacations every now and then, I’m OK. At first, he was enraged at the thought of my spending a night out at a friend’s  house. But now that I’ve done it, he no longer feels threatened.  He doesn’t need to know I’ll really be in a nice hotel, relaxing. At my age, and in our expensive real estate environment, it’s best for me to stay put. I’m in a city where the list of things to do is endless.  He can stay home and stew. 

He does have his music, so he’s not bored at home.  And I’m a singer, so that’s one area we can share without conflict. 

Once I’m literally back on my feet again, I’ll feel a lot better.

I cannot thank you enough for sharing. 

Jazz

[MindfulBreath]

Just wanted to say that I completely resonate with your post and the responses. I actually just had to step out of our house (to stay in a small hotel down the street) to get away from the negativity, accusations, and supreme self-righteousness. My husband is still so mad at me (for never being on his side, for ruining his birthday, for telling him that I am feeling hurt for his abysmal behavior, etc. etc.), he hasn't even been pestering me about when I'm coming back, which is new. I am not looking forward to returning at the moment and am not sure what to do next.

However, we have also been working on building me a small studio space next to the house and it's almost finished. I believe that having that "me" space will be a game-changer. I'm more excited to go back to the space and to my cats than him and the dark cloud that is currently lodged over his head.

The one thing that makes me sigh... I'm turning 40 next year and am thinking what it will be like if/when I stay with him for the next 30 years. Understanding that he may never be committed to consistent treatment and continue on with this behavior... the ups and the downs and the crazymaking arguments. It's pretty overwhelming/depressing.

If you were to go back in time, would you have stayed or would you do it differently?

[JazzSinger]

The one thing that makes me sigh... I'm turning 40 next year and am thinking what it will be like if/when I stay with him for the next 30 years. Understanding that he may never be committed to consistent treatment and continue on with this behavior... the ups and the downs and the crazymaking arguments. It's pretty overwhelming/depressing.

If you were to go back in time, would you have stayed or would you do it differently?

MindfulBreath,

I completely understand and relate to your situation. I feel for you.  For sure having your own space will be a blessing for you, and will be a buffer to the assaults as well. 

Twenty years ago, when I married my H, he wasn’t as sick as he is now.  Also, we were both working, and we weren’t spending days on end with each other, like we are now, in retirement.  I think the fact that he had a certain degree of control — He did all of the cooking (I didn’t mind), he took care of the heavy cleaning, etc.  It never occurred to me the he did this because he felt I was incapable of doing certain things well. 

Early on, I saw a few signs of him overreacting to on-the-job stress, and he sometimes said things I didn’t like, but there was nothing disqualifying, for years.  But as he aged, he got worse. Now, he’s almost intolerable.

If I were younger, still working, and had more years in front of me than behind me, I would leave. No way would I put up with him, the way he is now. No way could I do 30 more years with him. I’d be throwing away and/or damaging the most productive years of my life. 

But I’m in my mid- seventies.   It’s different.  I cherish my friends and all of the other joys in my life. It’s about self-care now.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide.  I hope your new space brings you peace.

Jazz

[MindfulBreath]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, Jazz. It's really becoming so clear to me that something has to change in my situation. Either my ability to remove myself during his episodes or his own trajectory of acceptance and growth. As we all know, the latter is completely beyond my control, and so I can't count on it.

I'm going to keep trying for the time being - seeing if I can find an acceptable balance for myself that doesn't leave me hating myself for putting up with poor treatment. I see a crossroads in the distance. Life is short, and we only have one. I wish it didn't have to be so hard, but it is what it is.

I hope you get your time away - your reprieve. You deserve some peace.

[JazzSinger]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, Jazz. It's really becoming so clear to me that something has to change in my situation. Either my ability to remove myself during his episodes or his own trajectory of acceptance and growth. As we all know, the latter is completely beyond my control, and so I can't count on it.

I'm going to keep trying for the time being - seeing if I can find an acceptable balance for myself that doesn't leave me hating myself for putting up with poor treatment. I see a crossroads in the distance. Life is short, and we only have one. I wish it didn't have to be so hard, but it is what it is.

I hope you get your time away - your reprieve. You deserve some peace.

Mindfulbreath,

At some point last year, out of sheer desperation, I started walking away to another room whenever my husband’s outbursts and/or negativity became too much. Sometimes, I’d say, “Excuse me.  I’ll be right back.”  Other times I simply got up and walked away from the pain. It was a little scary in the beginning, but I quickly realized that it worked. When I returned, he was quiet, or he changed the subject, as if he hadn’t been incredibly overbearing, just minutes ago.  This is just a suggestion.  It’s still working for me, but only you can gauge whether or not it will help your situation.

Ultimately, self-care and therapy (which was a part of it),  helped me.  And the more I can spend time away from home, the easier it is to get along with him. I think he needs the breaks too.

I also do a lot of my texting and journaling while he’s sleeping, or he’s out of the house. That way, he can’t question me or make bullying remarks. Sometimes, however, I connect with my friends when he’s fully present,  because in the end, it’s normal. He just has to get used to it. 

I think what I’m spelling out is that I worked on boundaries, and self care.  He’s still impossible, but I feel better. 

Thanks so much for your good wishes.  I think I’ll be able to get away for a couple of days next month. I’m working on it.

Jazz