Parents still avoid diagnosis. Suggestions?

[Nerodiverselove]

Any advice for getting parents to accept this diagnosis she has gotten? It’s really evident that I’ve been battling both her BPD and issues from her family life that she never addresses. The idea that I am an issue seems to be their go to, because I am the one who identified this, put my foot down and said no more. But they created this and supported her early claims, she had every ailment, before I came to be. I guess they didn’t want to address this when her grade school teacher identified her as emotionally difficult. And definitely want to ignore that she has always been scared of her dad and isolated from their support. I really worked with them for years but finally had to start some of the big changes with them, being that my wife was so avoidant and combative. So after 16 years I have eliminated Xmas together and also my father’s ability to grift off of me. All this just to get some traction with my home life and stop worshiping a family ideal that was just false. A family ideal is limited in scope to one household, unless the walls and barriers are broken down to allow for equal status. If support is merely a statement than that may be a fantasy too.

What book or guidelines for parents of independent adult children vs dependent children. It’s really hard to get anyone to be open to this all. Like maybe it’s not physical abuse and more about genetics. Or maybe it’s closer to the abuse model that existed within her childhood home. I really don’t wanna argue this with them but I can’t get this to move beyond them acting like nothing is theirs. I mean she will be independent and alone if I can’t right this ship. Beyond all that I have seen her grow past; she is still very trapped in her black and white arguments. I worry that this has gone beyond me ever getting any help and support for all the extra weight I have been carrying emotionally for their daughter. I managed to gather all the clinical diagnosis and medical proof I needed a long time ago. I once thought I would be reworking her support network to help me. I thought I would have a place to watch her heal, but I’m just done with this toxic denial that likely put my wife on this course to begin with.

If it’s not a total separation from them, then what beyond peer influence could change this attitude? I think this current socio political climate isn’t helping. I just read so much about parents helping and creating a good team to guide in outcomes, along with treatment. Any stories or books or events or groups for persistent parents.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Nerodiverselove]

Tonight it’s all bad again. 16 years may as well be a minute. She never will be empathetic no matter how much I give her to be happy about or try and show acceptance for her flaws. It’s always an Issue to speak a truth or stand my ground on anything. And there is really nothing to do with her self doubt and self hate beyond continue to make a stand and deal with what comes of myself and my needs. It’s all some isolated and trapped experience from her past that is gonna roll me over even if I identify with her on these issues.

[Notwendy]

A disordered person in a family unit affects the whole family in some way. While other family members may or may not have a disorder, the dynamics between them can be disordered.

BPD was unknown during my BPD mother's early and younger years so, there would not have been an explanation for her behavior. In our family, there was a strict and unspoken rule to not disclose any issues with her and maintain she has no issues. If anyone dared to suggest otherwise- they were the problem, not her.

Parents are also naturally protective of their children and they also may fear that if others know there's an issue- their child may be at a disadvantage. There could be concern about family image or they may fear being judged as bad parents.

So no, you can not force them to accept something they don't want to accept or are in denial about. If you "push" this on them, you also may be seen as the "problem" in their eyes. They, themselves, also may have their own disorder and their own family dynamics. When a child grows up in a family with disordered dynamics- this is the only "normal" they know and so trying to "get" them to see otherwise- they may not be able to. Your wife's parents may not see the dynamics differently if they grew up in a family with similar ones.

Also, if you two have been married for 16 years, she is well into adulthood, and not her parents' responsibility. I can understand your concern for her and your fears. At this point though, her parents have no legal or otherwise obligation to be involved with her issues at all. If you believe her family system is part of her issues- it's also possible they have their own issues and emotional limitations and can not deal with it either.

Understandably, this is difficult for you to be managing. I know my father had a lot to deal with. I also learned that reaching out to a disordered person's family may or may not be effective and you have seen where it isn't in your situation. It's more effective to have your own support network- counseling, your own friends, rather than to attempt to change her parents' perspective.

[Notwendy]

I noticed on the other board you posted about isolation. Yes, these situations can feel isolating and it's good to reach out for support but to who?

I learned that if someone was in my mother's circle, it was not going to be effective to reach out to them so where to get support? For anyone dealing with this kind of situation, I think the first step is to get professional counseling. While you may feel this is "backwards" - you aren't the one with BPD, you are dealing with this situation. A counselor can provide objective support and also help you with how to navigate it.