Splitting timelines and the ratio of good to bad times

[Me88]

I have been having a pretty bad day today. A lot going on with friends and family. A death. And other things. I've just really been thinking about her so much.

My brain tells me, and pretty much guarantees she has new supply. That's how I met her. I like to imagine I was special, but I know how these people operate.

From my reading. Bipolar splitting can last days to weeks. Whereas BPD splitting can be an hour, minutes,  a couple of days. It's very unpredictable and instant. And it's what I experienced.

When taking it all into account, I'd honestly say our relationship was 95 or more percent good. The frequency of arguments and craziness was too often, but the distance and silence was never more than half a day. Usually a couple of hours at most. From what I experienced, an entire day could go well, but be spoiled by something as simple as leaving a pair of shoes on my side of the bed. Ww3 because of that.

We could argue, horribly,  cry and scream. Then go to bed. I'd reach over, put my hand on her thigh or stomach or back. She'd reciprocate. We never not wanted affection and physical connection. Usually we'd end up having sex and wake up like nothing happened. It was so confusing and chaotic.

Has anyone else experienced that type of dynamic? Your partner seems normal to the outside world. They're smart. Are cuddly and complimentary almost every single day, all day. Sexual as ever. Truly seem like they care and are there for you a lot of times.

But peppered in.....every couple of days, every week at best.....a rage, an evil, something you apparently did 4 days ago, bad day at work for them turns into you being awful. You could literally be loving all day. Send sexy texts. Lots of little kisses and holding each other. Talk about how much you appreciate them as a person...then any little thing sets them off. Pupils engulf their entire eye and the monster comes out...

I'm so confused about how things could have been so darn good. Vacations. Her and my parents got along great. Joking, laughing, fun. Our sex life was perfect, and I think she truly was engaged.

But those insane 1...2...3...6 hr fights were so draining I'd call into work at times. Everything was never good enough, everything was a criticism or fight. I know it isn't healthy and I'm told I dodged a bullet. But I hate that we had an impossible amount of wonderful times as well. Just a bad day I guess.

[SinisterComplex]

We could argue, horribly,  cry and scream. Then go to bed. I'd reach over, put my hand on her thigh or stomach or back. She'd reciprocate. We never not wanted affection and physical connection. Usually we'd end up having sex and wake up like nothing happened. It was so confusing and chaotic.

Has anyone else experienced that type of dynamic? Your partner seems normal to the outside world. They're smart. Are cuddly and complimentary almost every single day, all day. Sexual as ever. Truly seem like they care and are there for you a lot of times.

To be frank...I think your question resonates with nearly all of our membership. I can speak from personal experience that I experienced something similar myself. As much as it may seem that it was unique to you or that you might feel all alone or that no one understands...trust me we do here. I certainly understand.

My friend...vent it out. You may get repetitive even, but by all means we get it...many of us have been in your shoes and know and understand the feelings all too well.

This is why I always say be kind to YOU and please take care of yourself...don't take that for granted.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Me88]

So this is all normal, ish. They have that full capacity to be loving and caring and present. But also, the ability to just morph into something awful in seconds, and back to an angel in 15 minutes or a couple hours? Or if they want to, leave for a month,  or be silent for days juat to rehash something from years ago?

I remember just staring at the ceiling in bed crying, "what the hell is happening?" . I'd just wish it were me who was totally to blame, because I can fix me. I want to be a good version of me. Especially for someone I love.

Some strange part of my mind keeps imagining, there was something, an action, a little more patience, don't respond, never yell back, just accept they are sick and they'll just calm down and come back to earth. My memory tells me that worked at times. Id go upstairs and cry. Go to the backyard ans cry. Sit on the couch and cry. Holding in all those emotions and walking away hurt a lot, when she would turn it up to 100. I'd come back, hold her, apologize, and we'd be ok for a few days. Dates, movies, working out, lots of sex. Whenever I apparently got it right, it was perfect. But I never truly knew what i was doing any different. Nothing was consistent. What works today...is the worst answer tomorrow. I would think I found a pattern or solution, but every day was a gamble.

Even a couple years ago, id watch videos. Read articles. Audio books on communication.  I was in individual therapy back then, and he told me he couldn't help me as his only recommendation was to leave.

I hate that I care so much about things like this. I value my personal relationships above all and it always hurts me in intimate relationships.  And I fell, fully, for the love bombing, bread crumbling, and all the follow up good times.

The only thing keeping me solid is truly believing she's moved on. She's blocked everywhere.  Ive been NC for 1.5 months.  But it's just wrecking me.

[Under The Bridge]

'Nothing was consistent'

If I had to write a brief meaning of BPD for a dictionary, that one line would be it. As logical people, we assume that if our partner was fine with us 2 mins ago then they're still fine but as we've all found out, this is never guaranteed and it's the constant not knowing when they're going to have a meltdown which is so utterly draining.

In my own case - being with a BPD for 4 years - I found that the good times declined massively towards the end, to the point where I was sitting in the pub waiting for my g.f to come in and wondering "Will we have a good night or will she just ignore me when she walks in because of something that's happened during her day which had nothing to do with me?" It really was that bad.

It got to the point where nothing I said or did made any difference, there was simply no way to diffuse her and after her worst meltdown yet - complete with jet black pupils of her eyes and looking like she was very close to physical violence this time - I simply stayed away and never contacted her again. I knew I'd given it my all and made more effort with her than anyone else.

Like you, I wondered if there was more I could have done, some magical thing to make it all work, but there wasn't. The problems weren't the common things all couples go through, which can be talked out and reasoned,  they were all in her own head and nobody but her can fix them.

I realised it would never be enough, so time to think of my own sanity and get out of the toxic relationship.  Very hard to do as we all know but I definitely made the right choice. I spoke to her sister in law many years later and she told me my ex was still acting the same way with her new partners so that would have been my life if I'd stayed with her.

Life does go on, though it doesn't seem like that in the early days after a breakup with a BPD partner. I think it all comes down to how much you're prepared to put up with - nobody expects any relationship to be perfect but neither do we expect to be physically and mentally broken by our partner.

She may reach out to you in future if any current relationship she's in breaks down and you'll have to decide whether to re-engage and probably restart the cycle again or stay no contact. A choice only you can make.

best wishes

[Skedge2200]

My story’s the same after 16 years. The only thing that was “consistent” was inconsistency. Sometimes I’d have a week of relative peace, sometimes even two weeks and maybe a month but that was rare. She devalued me 8 major times over those 16 years charming me back about 2-3 weeks after each time. They say it takes at least 7 attempts to get out of a toxic relationship and it took me 8 never mind all the moving in, moving out and extra expenses to do it. And each recycle became shorter and shorter, she just became more mean and abusive with each recycle. It’s like they keep a mental inventory of every minor slight or indiscretion - their truth is the only truth that ever existed.

I often thought if she claimed to hate me so much why didn’t she just get rid of me permanently at any time through recycles 1- 7? And god knows I should have known better way before recycle number 8 but like most of us I was still believing in the fairy tale that “this time” things will be different and this time she’ll get therapy and stop drinking and get better. That time never ever came.

She’s gone now…committing suicide on attempt number 5. The other times I was able to save her always receiving some obscure text. I couldn’t this time and I’m angry that I feel so guilty for not being there for her. But when I think of the hell I’ve been through I’m ashamed to feel a sense of relief because I’m no longer receiving nasty texts or phone calls. I know too that this was not her fault - at all but I loved her. The forever optimist for so many years so I get it when we say it’s hard to leave - it’s a love like no other and most just don’t understand and will likely never understand unless they have had the first hand experience of loving a borderline or getting addicted to cocaine and trying to quit cold turkey. Rest in peace BK.

[Me88]

'Nothing was consistent'

If I had to write a brief meaning of BPD for a dictionary, that one line would be it. As logical people, we assume that if our partner was fine with us 2 mins ago then they're still fine but as we've all found out, this is never guaranteed and it's the constant not knowing when they're going to have a meltdown which is so utterly draining.

In my own case - being with a BPD for 4 years - I found that the good times declined massively towards the end, to the point where I was sitting in the pub waiting for my g.f to come in and wondering "Will we have a good night or will she just ignore me when she walks in because of something that's happened during her day which had nothing to do with me?" It really was that bad.

It got to the point where nothing I said or did made any difference, there was simply no way to diffuse her and after her worst meltdown yet - complete with jet black pupils of her eyes and looking like she was very close to physical violence this time - I simply stayed away and never contacted her again. I knew I'd given it my all and made more effort with her than anyone else.

Like you, I wondered if there was more I could have done, some magical thing to make it all work, but there wasn't. The problems weren't the common things all couples go through, which can be talked out and reasoned,  they were all in her own head and nobody but her can fix them.

I realised it would never be enough, so time to think of my own sanity and get out of the toxic relationship.  Very hard to do as we all know but I definitely made the right choice. I spoke to her sister in law many years later and she told me my ex was still acting the same way with her new partners so that would have been my life if I'd stayed with her.

Life does go on, though it doesn't seem like that in the early days after a breakup with a BPD partner. I think it all comes down to how much you're prepared to put up with - nobody expects any relationship to be perfect but neither do we expect to be physically and mentally broken by our partner.

She may reach out to you in future if any current relationship she's in breaks down and you'll have to decide whether to re-engage and probably restart the cycle again or stay no contact. A choice only you can make.

best wishes

So draining. I'd wake up hoping she didn't have a dream that I was rude to her. Hope she didn't have a migraine. Wasn't nauseous. Every morning was stressful.

My good and bad times were relatively predictable.  I always knew if we had a good few days or week...something was bubbling. I apparently would have said or done something in that time frame that erupted at some point. 

And same....is today, tonight, going to be bad? If her sister or mom pissed her off I'll be the punching bag. If work sucked, she'll shut down, then blow up on me tonight.

Me too. Certain things worked for a while. She'd even thank me. For being patient and calm. But nothing ever worked long term. Walking away could diffuse the argument today and we'd be ok. Walking away a few days later meant I didn't love her, I had no accountability,  I am dismissing her emotions. But actually, I just dont want to sit here with you yelling at me for hours.

It sounds bad, but I've told her before "you need to learn basic respect. If you were a man, I'd have hurt you already. Screaming, spitting,  pointing fingers in my face. You are brave in that you know I'll never do anything".

I don't know if she'll reach out. I hope not. I imagine she's love bombing someone at the moment. I hope, wish and pray that I'm strong enough to avoid any charm.

[HoratioX]

My story’s the same after 16 years. The only thing that was “consistent” was inconsistency. Sometimes I’d have a week of relative peace, sometimes even two weeks and maybe a month but that was rare. She devalued me 8 major times over those 16 years charming me back about 2-3 weeks after each time. They say it takes at least 7 attempts to get out of a toxic relationship and it took me 8 never mind all the moving in, moving out and extra expenses to do it. And each recycle became shorter and shorter, she just became more mean and abusive with each recycle. It’s like they keep a mental inventory of every minor slight or indiscretion - their truth is the only truth that ever existed.

I often thought if she claimed to hate me so much why didn’t she just get rid of me permanently at any time through recycles 1- 7? And god knows I should have known better way before recycle number 8 but like most of us I was still believing in the fairy tale that “this time” things will be different and this time she’ll get therapy and stop drinking and get better. That time never ever came.

She’s gone now…committing suicide on attempt number 5. The other times I was able to save her always receiving some obscure text. I couldn’t this time and I’m angry that I feel so guilty for not being there for her. But when I think of the hell I’ve been through I’m ashamed to feel a sense of relief because I’m no longer receiving nasty texts or phone calls. I know too that this was not her fault - at all but I loved her. The forever optimist for so many years so I get it when we say it’s hard to leave - it’s a love like no other and most just don’t understand and will likely never understand unless they have had the first hand experience of loving a borderline or getting addicted to cocaine and trying to quit cold turkey. Rest in peace BK.

Truly sorry to hear this. But it wasn't your fault, nor will it ever be.

[HoratioX]

When taking it all into account, I'd honestly say our relationship was 95 or more percent good . . .

Has anyone else experienced that type of dynamic? Your partner seems normal to the outside world. They're smart. Are cuddly and complimentary almost every single day, all day. Sexual as ever. Truly seem like they care and are there for you a lot of times.

Okay, let me point out a few things, please.

First off, the relationship was never 95 or more percent good. What might have seemed that way is how the good moments seemed so powerful and enchanting. But if you look beyond that -- to walking on eggshells, to being confused or hurt, to waiting for the next shoe to drop, to wondering or even finding out she was cheating -- you'll see those moments didn't only amount to 5% or less. We just want to see the good things overshadowing the bad.

Another issue of proportion is just how bad the bad things really were. It's like being with someone who is secretly plotting to kill you and thinking the time she slipped the poison into your drink was the only really bad thing. No, she was plotting the whole time. It was always bad.

In terms of experiencing that dynamic, I think most people who have had a partner with BPD (or related, like anxiety or CPTSD) can share similar experiences. The lack of stability in someone with this/these mental and/or emotional issues is pretty universal. Some are better at controlling or hiding it (the "quiet" BPD, for instance) while others are more dramatic and obvious. One way or the other, though, most partners discover how intensely toxic the relationship is. The questions are how long does it take and how long does it take to accept and do something about it.

In terms of being normal to others, that depends. A quiet BPD, for instance, is usually pretty good at maintaining some relationships, especially those less personal, like work ones. But many people with BPD (and related) struggle with other relationships. For instance, mine cycled through friends and even relatives, too. I never quite knew if she was on the outs with someone or not because she would keep it from me until it just randomly came out. I wouldn't even be aware there had been a fight or issue.

But a huge red flag is when someone is constantly cycling among family. If there's any group of people likely to accept us for who were are, it's family. No, we don't always get along with everyone in our family, but one minute being close to someone in our family and next not speaking to them for no apparent reason should be an obvious sign of dysfunction.

Mine was like that. She'd be going out to some ladies night with her sisters for instance (and it was real because I'd see the pics) and the next week refuse to talk to any of them. Or maybe one of them, like the one who was always the easiest going but not quite as powerful a personality.