non-contact?

[AlwaysAnxious]

Hi everyone,

Has anyone's undiagnosed adult child ever gone non-contact with you and you don't actually know why?  How do you deal with it? How do you make sure they're ok? And how do you get past the heartache of it?

I went from daily - sometimes hourly contact (which was too much) to overnight, she won't even return my text. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Anxious,

I was worried about you. I think the last time you posted, you were tired of your daughter’s routine of keeping you up late at night with her rages and threats of self-harm. And now you’re feeling whiplash with no contact whatsoever. Alas, these emotional extremes and sudden behavioral shifts are typical in BPD. My stepdaughter would alternate between in-your-face  rage and no contact for several cycles. Sometimes I was relieved when she went no contact, but I would also worry. Silence was never a sign that she was doing well.  On the contrary, silence usually meant she she was in trouble.

When she went NC, she likely thought she was inflicting punishment. But I also think she was fleeing, because she couldn’t handle her life. Her coping tactic was avoidance. I think she was also shameful and embarrassed, because she made her life a complete mess. She would stew on her own for as long as she could, but she’d always come back when she needed something, such as money or other assistance.

Anyway, I think the timetable is up to her. If she is dependent on you, I bet she’ll come around in time. But one good thing about going NC for a while is that she gets time to cool off. In addition, she has to confront her issues on her own. If you’re around, she always has you to blame for her problems. But if she’s on her own, it’s harder to blame you for everything (though she’ll certainly try). Either she figures out how to cope on her own, or she hits a bottom, and realizes that she needs some professional help to turn things around. In my stepdaughter’s case, she had to try living on her own in order to hit bottom and finally get some help. Thus a few periods of NC were a necessary step in the process. Failure is an excellent teacher. Sometimes what’s needed is the opportunity to try and fail. If you’re rescuing all the time, she might never get that chance. I know that sounds scary. But she is an adult, it’s what she’d want from you if she were thinking straight.

All my best to you.

[AlwaysAnxious]

Hey CC43...you always know the right things to say. I appreciate your advice more than you know.

She actually, in her anger I think, has accomplished some important steps.  She has not returned to therapy but it's there if she chooses to.  I actually think the non-contact was hard on her (and me) but good too -- also for both of us.

I still worry, but I also know I can't rescue her and expect her to learn how to be a resourceful, healthy adult.  Relationships are two way streets and I was giving her a break on her behavior of me and others.  That's not to say I won't still be there for her, but perhaps I need to let her succeed or fail on her own with no safety net sometimes but, be there to help her pick up the pieces, learn, and move forward when she hits an emotional splitting patch and of course, I'll watch for the danger signs. 

We are far from through this new phase and she still isn't fully speaking to me (we work together so it's somewhat unavoidable for her), but ...you know...that's ok.

It's ok. (my new mantra?)

In the meantime, I have some work to do on my own broken spirit from the past 2 or 3 years of this rollercoaster I'm on.

Thank you again.   It is so comforting to have a tribe of people that understand.

[Sancho]

Hi HighlyAnxiou
Keep in mind that you are prob ably in a constant state of 'high alert'. You say:

I went from daily - sometimes hourly contact

Your 'normal' is that you would expect to be faced with a deluge of intense emotions at any moment.

Then silence . . .

You don't have a sense of how this aspect of BPD is going to be in your case. Once I realised my DD's pattern of exclusion, the times when she is silent is my time to relax, regroup.

In this way the working together is helpful. If DD is making contact through work then you know she is ok. If she is able to be up and working and able to communicate about work - I think this is your time to try to de-escalate from high alert and smell the roses.

What I discovered along the way is that the BPD journey is as much about myself as it is about trying to relate to DD. When I put the focus  on myself - how I was reacting, noticing I was on high alert all the time, how I tensed when the phone rang etc - I realised what a state I was in, and that was the start of trying to change myself as I went along.