Why are there so many charming attempts to get you back?

[Skedge2200]

I was with a borderline for almost 16 years going through at least 8 rinse and repeats where I moved out and moved back in. Each time she successfully charmed me back telling me she loved me, missed me and successfully love bombed me each time only for it to end badly again a year or two later. Each time she would be physically and emotionally abusive. One thing I never understood was each time we split up she would say she hated me, felt nothing for contempt for me then be out on dating apps only to come back to me 2-3 weeks later. Why could she never leave for good on any of the previous times? Was I just too good of a source of supply for her and that’s why she came back all those times? It never really was about love then was it?

[Under The Bridge]

Acting like that is a pretty standard characteristic of BPD. The bottom line is they can't ever be alone, even though their illness makes them break up their relationships, so once a current relationship has broken up they try to reconnect with a previous partner, so they're not alone any more.

Then of course the cycle repeats itself, they break up with you and might go back to the partner they left you for or look for yet another new person. The fact she comes back to you after a few weeks of being on dating apps shows that she's not getting anywhere with dating or, if she did met someone, she's broken up with them and not wanting to be alone, returns to you.. only to repeat the cycle yet again.

It's incredibly physically and emotionally draining for us. In the mind of the BPD we're just a commodity, an option and a safety net if there's nothing better on the horizon. It's a treadmill - I had it for 4 years before eventually realising she actually felt nothing for me and it was all illusion. Still very hard to give up on though.