Christmas gifts

[dtkm]

Due to recent events, my uBPDh is living alone in an apartment about 15 minutes from our family home and just started semi mandatory weekly therapy. On top of the therapy, he is supposed to get testing that will lead to some sort of diagnosis. As a recap, we have 5 kids, 2 are mine from a prior relationship, one is his from a prior relationship and two are ours together. My uBPDh has spent the last several years separating children to the point that I have no relationship with his daughter and he has no relationship with my oldest son, and it depends on his mood as to how he and my daughter are. Christmas is a big thing in our house, we do a lot to celebrate together (with my side of the family as well) and I always go overboard on gifts for the kids. I don’t buy much that is special for the kids throughout the year, so this is when I do that. Even though I always do the shopping and paying for the gifts I always put on the from line both of our names. This years celebration was different in that my stepdaughter was not there. After Christmas, I put all of her gifts in a bin in her room with the intention of giving them to her when she came over one day. Over the last 2 weeks my uBPDh has mentioned twice that my stepdaughter has been asking when she can have her gifts. Which kind of made me mad as she could contact me as she knows I bought them for her but hasn’t but I just kind of pushed it aside thinking I needed to invite her over to do so, but haven’t had the time. Last night I invited my uBPDh to meet us at the rec center. He responded that he would but can I bring her Christmas gifts. I told him that I would send the jacket he bought her and her stocking but that I had wanted to give her the gifts myself as I thought that this could be a good moment to start to mend our relationship, that I put a lot of effort into buying these gifts and I wanted to be a part of her enjoying them. He told me that he would make sure to tell her that I spent a good amount of time getting them. I told him that was not the purpose, he didn’t need to tell her anything, that in my opinion Christmas is about connecting and I was hoping to start to connect with her again when I gave them to her, as he has pulled her apart from the kids and I, as she is completely emesshed with him when she is at his house but she is cool with me when she is with her mom.  He then continued on that I should feel “elated” that she would accept the gifts from me…to which I responded what 13 year old will turn down a whole bin of really nice gifts from anyone. That was the end of the conversation but when my uBPDh arrived at the rec center he refused to speak to me or my daughter and had that look in his eyes the entire time we were there…when we left he grabbed the bin and bags of gifts put them in the trunk without a single thank you or anything. He then took off speeding down the road in our quiet neighborhood where there are kids all over. I have decided it is what it is. I’m mad because I know this was a ploy by him, to keep my stepdaughter and I separated (but use me to buy her stuff so he doesn’t have to) but make himself the hero that he has all of these gifts for her. I’m sure I won’t get a thank you or even a notice that she opened them, I will just see her in the clothes, etc. Everything in me says to drop it, but I was taught that you appreciate it when things are given to you and you say thank you to the person who gave the gift to you, etc. That will not be taught to my stepdaughter by my h and it bothers me as I make sure all of my kids thank him for everything , even if he buys then the smallest thing. Do I go with my gut and leave it alone or do I say something to her after I know she has been with my h?  How do I break this trend where he holds her from the rest of the family but then expects all to be all lovey and best of friends when he is in a good mood?

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[kells76]

Hi dtkm;

It's hurtful when a parent controls access to a child and seems to want to minimize the child's interactions with other loving adults. You'd like to have a positive relationship with SD13, yet it seems like your H creates obstacles to that.

SD13 is in a high stress situation for sure. She may not have any understanding as to why her dad is doing what he's doing -- she likely doesn't really see it, even though she's experiencing it. And kids often do want to believe that their parents are being wise and making smart decisions. It would be very hard for her to have to see that her dad is not wise and smart in this area.

At some level I think SD13 may think positively of you and wants connection. She probably knows you bought the gifts (vs her dad), and if you see her wear them or use them, then at some level she appreciates being remembered.

I agree that ideally, she would be learning to say Thank You. Under these stressful circumstances, it is a loss that she is not being taught that practice. There may not be a way in right now for you to teach her that -- and that may take some radical acceptance, that you wish things were different, they aren't, and it's not something you can control.

What you can control is how you express your care and positivity towards her, in ways that don't grow resentment on your part. It might work for you to get about the same amount of gifts for her as for any other kid -- or you might notice yourself starting to feel resentful about that, if she's rarely around. You might be able to feel OK about not being there to physically give her the gifts, or you might know that you'll be too angry if you're iced out, and so you might look for an alternative. Maybe sending a gift card link to her phone could be a way to show her that you care, include her, but bypass the power struggle of "who gives her the physical gifts". (Does she have a phone?)

It takes a lot in these situations to balance our expectations of how kids should behave at a bare minimum level, with understanding that they are just children in a very stressful family situation and they're coping as best they can. As the adults, we need to set ourselves up to show love and care in ways that we won't resent, and practice letting go of what we can't control (even letting go of very good things like certain expectations on the kids).

You have a lot to juggle, and I know you want good for the kids in your family 

[CC43]

Hi there,

I feel for you trying to navigate the toxic situation.  I totally understand your points about the Christmas gifts.  Like you, I tend to concentrate gift giving at Christmas, and I try really hard to buy just the right gifts for each loved one.  Though money and gift cards are easy and convenient, they feel too transactional to me.  Like you, I think that gifts should be exchanged in person whenever possible, because it's part of the spirit of the holidays, getting together as a family and enjoying the moment.  These days, perhaps more than ever, young people seem to be alienated and anxious, so I think it's really important to bond with family members over the holidays.  Thus I understand your hesitation about just handing over the gifts that you lovingly selected--it destroys the moment of celebration and connection that you planned and worked for.  On top of that, if you hand over the gifts, you feel used and manipulated.  It would be one thing if you just got gift cards, because you'd merely be treated like an ATM.  But you expended effort, and you're stripped of the joy of giving; on top of all that, you perhaps resent not getting the credit you deserve.  Everything you said is valid!

If it's any consolation, I have an unspoken policy that if family members live nearby, I exchange gifts in person only.  You see, I have a BPD stepdaughter who isolates from time to time.  I think that if she wants her gifts, she should show up, be civil and celebrate the holiday.  If she decides not to do that, then I just set the gifts aside and plan to give them to her (in person) when she's in a better state.  Besides, there's a high likelihood that if I delivered or mailed the gifts to her when she's dysregulated, she'd never acknowledge receipt, or she'd toss them out in spitefulness.  I know this because she did exactly that several times with gifts from other people.  Sadly, her parents did not teach her about sending notes of thanks, so I simply don't expect a thank-you.  By the way, I still have a few Christmas gifts to exchange with my brother, because we haven't managed to meet up yet, given long travel times and busy schedules.  In my family, Christmas is a season, not just one day.=

I hold out hope that when the kids grow up, they will appreciate the loving efforts you expended to make the holidays special.  Sadly, I'm just not sure if they will ever see it that way, as Christmas to them is merely about the loot.  I'm wondering about that regarding my own stepkids, who are now young adults.  But what I do know is that I tried.  I know that my husband knows that I tried, too.  In fact, when the holiday's over, he'll usually acknowledge that we tried really hard to make it special, even if we're the only ones who notice.

[dtkm]

Thank you for the validation. That is exactly how I feel, resentful. I feel like I will never be able to “get this right” with my SD and H and this is just another example. I do everything that I can to treat all 5 kids the same, including ensuring each kid gets the same amount of gifts at Christmas even though my H buys stuff for her and not the other kids and her mom gets everything for her she could ever want. I have tried to attend all of her events, sports, dance recitals, parent teacher conferences no matter what mood my H is in. I am not a huge fan of his ex-wife, but I do everything I can to get along with her. And then my H stops telling me when events are, tells my SD that I don’t care about her, that don’t want to go to her events. He tells me that if I cared I would be at her events…but he won’t invite me!  And I have 4 other kids, so if you don’t invite me or purposely schedule something during when you know I have something important then you have left me no choice!  My hands are completely tied. Over the last year I gave my SD clothes every time I gave the other kids clothes, even though she was rarely at our house. never once did I get a thank you from her or even an acknowledgment…and then my H had the nerve to tell me that I don’t get anything for her!  I think that I am just fed up with the double edge sword where I will never win with my relationship with her. I feel horrible for her as she is not a part of our family and I know she wants to be. Ask the little kids to name the members of our family and she is always left out…until they say “oh yeah and SD”. She is a good kid and the other kids really like her, but my H has so much control over her that it just never will work the way it is.