First time really not JADEing

[skyfall85]

Hi everyone,

I have been lurking on this forum for a while and vacuuming up as many great tips I can. Today, I decided to post.

I have been with my BF for about 2 years.

In this time, we've gotten into multiple arguments over things I've done. Big or small, the arguments would rage on for days and days. I would beg and tell him how much I care about him and love him. He would reject it and bait me into circular arguments. He'll rage, call me names, tell me I don't love him or care about him, break up with me, threaten to cheat on me, etc. The topic is often my past relationships but can also be really anything.

As I mentioned, I have always been big into JADEing, even though I've read here and other places how much I should try to avoid it. It's hard to see someone you care about struggle and not try to convince them that they are wrong and that they are loved. I generally lead with my logical mind, so it's so natural for me to try to lay out facts. It's also scary. Sometimes, when he'd tell me to go away, and I'd listen, he'd come back later even angrier that I don't care to make him feel better. What if he takes my lack of engagement to mean I don't care and leaves me for good?

What if?

Well this time, I decided that the answer to that is "Then he does, and I move on." I love him to death, I know I would miss the really good times we have together, because we do have them. But I wouldn't miss watching every word and feeling ready at any moment to deal with days of silent treatment, raging, etc. I wouldn't miss crying and hearing the person I love most in the world tell me he hates me. I'd miss the good times, I'd wave goodbye to the bad times with a smile, and I'd worry about him a lot. He's a sweet guy with BPD and so many of the problems that come with him. I can't imagine what he feels sometimes, and I care about him a lot.

Anyway, why did I make this decision? I've had a string of disappointments lately. The holidays were a bust (I know a lot of you can relate). The days off work that I desperately needed to recharge were filled with angst and arguments over things I can't even remember. I'm not happy at work, recent attempts to make a move haven't panned out yet, etc. I'm just exhausted. I don't have the energy to sit around and also hear how awful I am, when I try harder in this relationship than I ever have at, really, anything.

So where am I now? I'm in the middle of it. I answered his questions a couple of times (okay so maybe a tiny bit of JADEing), and explained that I wasn't going to continue to re-answer things I've already answered. I shared my own feelings, and I've removed myself from conversations when I've needed to (first time!). I've let him go hours without responding to my texts without checking in. I've not try to force any issues. When he's been cold and I've been disappointed, I've simply rolled over or walked away.

He's still upset. Maybe this episode is going a little longer than the usual ones, but it's been calmer. While I want him to come back to me, I am feeling a little peaceful. I am thinking about taking a trip home by myself, finally making plans for drinks with that friend that keeps asking, never again rushing home from work when he's texting me frantically about something innocuous.

We'll see what happens, but I've found a bit of solace in my new backbone and my peace. Maybe this is some of that radical acceptance I've heard so much about.

Cheers guys. Thanks for all of the love and support on this board.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[kells76]

Hi skyfall85 and

It can be life changing to arrive at a moment when you realize how little (i.e., no) control you have over others.

We sometimes believe that if a relationship is going well from our perspective, then I somehow had a lot of control over it going well (whatever I'm doing is what is keeping my partner in a good place), and if a relationship is going poorly from our perspective, then I somehow would have control over recovering it, if I just knew which levers to pull.

I've had a belief that I need to not "rock the boat" with my husband's kids (their mom is uBPD), that if I somehow "say the wrong thing", then they'll blurt out that they hate me and H and never want to see us again. Actually... they could do that whenever they wanted, and I don't have control over that. It's not like my neurotic management of "saying exactly the right thing" controls their choice to stay in a relationship with me. Not under my control... which is frightening to face.

In reality, there's a sense in which nothing is stopping a partner from leaving us at any moment. At any moment, regardless of how delicately I've managed things, or how strongly I'm pulling my levers of control -- I have no control over a partner deciding independently to walk away, even if it seemed like things were going well. (Yes, we can make things worse in a relationship, and we can work to improve a relationship, and those aren't nothing -- but those aren't actually controlling our partner)

I wonder if you got to that point, too, where you could radically accept that there was no perfect phrase you could tell him, no perfect apology you could give, that would guarantee that he would stay in the relationship... so now you've broken through to the other side.

It can be peaceful, in the end, to work through the grief and fear of loss, and get to that other side. You mention finding peace and solace and a sense of a backbone. That sounds calm and secure at some level.

Glad you decided to reach out and share. I'm sure this new approach will be a marathon, not a sprint, so we'll be here for you as you try new things and keep building your backbone 

[skyfall85]

Thank you so much for the reply and your words. When I wrote it, I was wondering what his mood would be when he woke up. I found out, and it wasn't good. I've almost given in a couple of times, but I've been able to stay strong.

I wonder if you got to that point, too, where you could radically accept that there was no perfect phrase you could tell him, no perfect apology you could give, that would guarantee that he would stay in the relationship... so now you've broken through to the other side.

I think this is it. There's no magic word. I can do some validating of his feelings, but that's about it. I see him getting angry that I'm not engaging, but he'd get angry if I did engage. He'd say more things that would echo in my heart and brain forever.

There's a part of me saying, "List all the things you've done for him, since he's saying you do nothing..." But I know that I've done that before, and he just dismisses it for one reason or another. It won't convince him or give him something to think about. He'll just feel invalidated, and I suppose I will too.

I am also coming to accept that I couldn't have avoided this in the first place. One way I've learned that is sometimes there will be 'trial issues.' Something he brings up and gets upset about but isn't quite able to take completely hold. We get through it with some struggle but without a major episode. Within a day or two, however, something loosely related will come up and blow it up. There's no really no avoiding it.