I’m at a breaking point with my 22yo bpd step-daughter

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This is my first time here. My bpd step daughter is ruining my marriage. My husband spends most nights on the phone trying to calm her down or runs to her rescue over EVERYTHING! She has said horrible things about me to others including my 6yo grandson (her nephew). She makes impulsive relationship decisions such as recently marrying a man she knew for only a month prior. She refuses to work, but expects my husband to give her money whenever she’s broke…and he does!! She refuses to get help because her behavior is ALWAYS someone else’s fault. I’m tied in a knot every day wondering if it’s going to be another bad night. I love my husband, but I am beginning to hate his daughter. She has a 2yo daughter that lives in this everyday. My heart breaks for her, but I’m at my wits end.

[Chells73]

This is my first time here. My bpd step daughter is ruining my marriage. My husband spends most nights on the phone trying to calm her down or runs to her rescue over EVERYTHING! She has said horrible things about me to others including my 6yo grandson (her nephew). She makes impulsive relationship decisions such as recently marrying a man she knew for only a month prior. She refuses to work, but expects my husband to give her money whenever she’s broke…and he does!! She refuses to get help because her behavior is ALWAYS someone else’s fault. I’m tied in a knot every day wondering if it’s going to be another bad night. I love my husband, but I am beginning to hate his daughter. She has a 2yo daughter that lives in this everyday. My heart breaks for her, but I’m at my wits end.

[CC43]

Hi Chells,

Welcome to the BPDFamily.  I can totally relate, as I have a stepdaughter who was diagnosed with BPD at around your daughter's age.  When she was untreated, living with her was a nightmare.  The entitlement, the pervasive negativity, the refusal to go to school or work, the refusal to help out at home, the raging, the blaming of everyone else for her own problems, the stories of abuse which were highly distorted, the self-sabotaging, the relationship whiplash, the suicide threats and attempts, the skipped therapy sessions and the late-night crisis calls had me completely frazzled.  And my husband always rushed to rescue her.  He thought, if he just gave her whatever she wanted, she'd get better.  But BPD doesn't work that way.  Though I know my husband meant well--he was acting out of love--he couldn't buy his daughter's wellness, and he certainly paid a high price trying.  We cancelled many weekend plans and vacations to "save" or "babysit" her.  I came to hate her behavior and felt a ton of resentment.  I love my husband, and deep down his daughter is a good kid, but I felt he enabled highly dysfunctional behavior for far too long.  She was basically less functional and responsible than a kindergartener for a few years.  Worse, it seemed that the more dysfunctional her behavior, the more rewarded she was!  What incentive did she have to change if all she had to do is throw a tantrum or threaten suicide to get whatever she wanted?  I came to see her as an emotional terrorist.  Meanwhile, my husband and I were cutting our budget, forgoing eating out, cancelling vacations, delaying retirement and the like.  Sometimes I felt that my husband might be the bigger problem than my stepdaughter . . . Feeling that we weren't on the same page put a lot of strain on our relationship.  But I stuck it out, because my husband was operating out of love.  It's just that he was stuck in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  Yet that's to be expected when it comes to BPD. 

If you take a look, I've written many posts, mostly to help me process what was happening, and vent a little too.  There may be some themes that resonate with you.  But my story has a bright side--my stepdaughter is doing much better right now.  She's done a lot of therapy and is on a path towards graduating college.  I'm hopeful that she can work full-time someday; she's demonstrated that she can hold a part-time job.  These accomplishments would have been unthinkable a couple of years ago.  I think she has an emotional handicap, but with therapy, support and extra time to mature, she can learn to deal with her issues in a more positive way.

All my best to you.