Letting Go of Past Family

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi folks.  Quick recap, my BPD ex wife of 24 years left me out of nowhere about 2.5 years ago for another man.  I turned to God to get through the ordeal and ultimately realized the betrayal was a blessing.  I'm very happily remarried now, living in the Philippines, while waiting to bring my new wife and her son back to the USA.  I am extremely blessed.

One thing that still eats at me though from time to time is missing my previous core family for holidays, vacations, etc.  For example, my youngest kid just booked a cruise with her husband, my grandkids, my ex, and my ex's mom...and the first thing I thought was how jealous I was since I'd love to go on that trip with them.  Two days later, it still bothers me to some extent.

I guess the hardest part for me isn't the breakup or my ex...not a single part of me misses that relationship.  But 24 years of vacations, holidays, and get-togethers with her family; I just can't comprehend how to let go of that stuff.  Her brothers were my brothers, her mom was my mom, and these were people I loved so much.  Is it normal for those feelings to linger years later?

[Pook075]

Hi folks.  Quick recap, my BPD ex wife of 24 years left me out of nowhere about 2.5 years ago for another man.  I turned to God to get through the ordeal and ultimately realized the betrayal was a blessing.  I'm very happily remarried now, living in the Philippines, while waiting to bring my new wife and her son back to the USA.  I am extremely blessed.

One thing that still eats at me though from time to time is missing my previous core family for holidays, vacations, etc.  For example, my youngest kid just booked a cruise with her husband, my grandkids, my ex, and my ex's mom...and the first thing I thought was how jealous I was since I'd love to go on that trip with them.  Two days later, it still bothers me to some extent.

I guess the hardest part for me isn't the breakup or my ex...not a single part of me misses that relationship.  But 24 years of vacations, holidays, and get-togethers with her family; I just can't comprehend how to let go of that stuff.  Her brothers were my brothers, her mom was my mom, and these were people I loved so much.  Is it normal for those feelings to linger years later?

[Under The Bridge]

Perfectly normal I'd say, especially after a really long relationship like yours - 24 years of memories can't be filed away in just 2.5 years and probably never will be.

Back in the early 80s I was married - not to a BPD - and although the marriage only lasted a few years due to various reasons I still today think of her family, who were lovely people, and loved me while I was married to her. I still get the odd email off her and we're on good terms.

She had two beautiful nieces aged 5 and 9 and they really took to me - took them about 5 seconds to realise I was a soft touch and the younger one could wrap me round her little finger . I would have loved to have had two kids just like them if our marriage had worked out.

So 40+ years later, they're both married with their own kids and I still think of them and in my mind they'll always be those two adorable kids getting into mischief. Very happy days that will never leave me. If you truly loved people, their memory will always be with you so just enjoy those thoughts when they come.

[seekingtheway]

Yes, I'd say it's very normal and par for the course.

24 years is such a long time to be operating as a family unit and for her family to also be yours - there's a lot of meaning and investment and emotion wrapped in all of those memories. How could it not tug on the heartstrings? There's also something about losing a group - I think we're wired to want to belong to groups, and so even if you're happy and fulfilled doing your own thing, there's still a lot of loss for you in terms of being part of that collective. It's still early days in terms of reconciling that loss.

I separated from my ex-husband of 18 years quite a few years back, and I'm lucky to have a really solid, healthy relationship with him, so I still have contact with most of his family and I do still get included in some family gatherings. But there was loss in that realm and it still hurts when they do things without me that I used to be routinely involved in... and that's five years later. I imagine it would hurt even more if I wasn't fortunate to still be involved in some of it. So I get how you might be feeling right now. Just know it's normal to need to grieve that.