Introducing myself!

[42andyou]

Hello! I’m new to support groups of this nature, but after living with and trying to support my spouse of 20+ years, I have come to the realization there is a high chance they suffer with BPD. I’m in individual therapy, but feel like being part of a group would help me not feel so alone. We have three adult children together, and the last several years transition with them all leaving home along with other things has seemed to bring a whole new host of issues and so many more outbursts. I feel like I am at my wits end with what feels like 2-3 emotional outbursts a week, compared to maybe 1-2 a month during the rest of our life together.

I’m at a point where I feel like it may be better for them if I let them go every time they say they think I never loved them or say maybe we should split up. I’m so tired of feeling like I am the only one who really wants to be here.

Anyway, hello and I look forward to interacting!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi 42andyou, welcome to the group 

It can be isolating feeling like we're the only ones dealing with intense, confusing relational dynamics. Whether diagnosed as BPD or not, the behaviors and traits in that constellation -- blame, rage, emotional dysregulation, sensitivity, volatility, etc -- are so challenging. Finding others who get it can be very meaningful.

Tell me a little more about how you came to realize that BPD might be in play. Did you read a book, did someone mention something, did you stumble across a web site...?

We have three adult children together, and the last several years transition with them all leaving home along with other things has seemed to bring a whole new host of issues and so many more outbursts. I feel like I am at my wits end with what feels like 2-3 emotional outbursts a week, compared to maybe 1-2 a month during the rest of our life together.

How long do the emotional outbursts usually last? 30 minutes? 4 hours? some other typical stretch of time?

Is there a usual "tone" or "content" or "theme" to the outbursts? In terms of content, is it like "you never loved me", "I should just die", "you must be cheating", "you're the one ruining the marriage", or some other repeated content? Are the outbursts usually angry, rageful, suicidal, blaming, or some other emotion?

I’m at a point where I feel like it may be better for them if I let them go every time they say they think I never loved them or say maybe we should split up. I’m so tired of feeling like I am the only one who really wants to be here.

What have you usually done when your spouse says those things? I.e., did you usually try to prove you did love your spouse, argue that you shouldn't split up, panic, beg, get angry...?

...

All relationships -- BPD or not -- need good communication and listening skills, and minimal invalidation, to be successful. While it can feel counterintuitive to stop justifying ourselves, arguing with our pwBPD, defending ourselves, or explaining our actions/motivations, it can be worth it long term for us to learn better approaches to conflict in the intense BPD environment.

Feel free to fill us in on more of your story, whenever works best for you;

kells76

[42andyou]

Hello Kells,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. This week has been another tough one, but I'm glad to have found this board for understanding and support. In answer to your questions -

I began looking for reasons my partner seemed to become so suddenly emotionally dysregulated a little over 3 years ago. I have always known that he has struggled with emotions, but his ability to talk to me about them and to see my point of view has seemed to have all but disappeared in the last few years. It has felt so sudden, that I just went looking for answers for sudden personality changes. I know that BPD is usually diagnosed in early adulthood, and since I've known him since we were teens, I can see that he has met a lot of the criteria most of the time, it's just the huge rampup recently that has me confused.

Throughout our marriage, the outbursts may have lasted a few hours to one day at most, and we could generally come back together and talk and resolve them with understanding. The last few years, they last for hours to several days, and he yells now, which he rarely did before.  His outbursts are angry and very blame based, everything at this point is my fault, which is also new to me, he used to be able to be empathetic to my views, but it truly seems like he is not capable of that now. He says things like, "I don't know if we ever loved each other," or "I don't want this relationship anymore", or "I'm not going to talk anymore, I'm just going to watch your actions to see if this will work out."

I usually try very hard to validate how he is feeling and tell him I understand how what I've said or done could make him feel that way, that does help, but I have realized that in doing so, if I try to even gently insert one of my feelings, he immediately gets very angry at me and blames me for the whole situation.

One thing that is very confusing to me, and I don't know if it has anything to do with BPD, but, he tells me that I 'never bring any issues up'. He is angry at me, for not bringing problems up to him that he 'knows' I have. I have repeatedly tried to give him examples of reallly benign problems I have, like, 'I wish that he would interact more with me in the evenings, or look up from his phone and respond more to my everyday comments', and he will get so angry at me right then and blame me that I never talk to him. When I try to then point out that I just tried to express an 'issue' I have to him, and he is upset by it, that's why I don't bring things up, he inevitably gets angry and leaves and it's hours or a couple of days before interact again.

I don't know how to get him to quit pestering me to tell him what issues I have with him. He says that I'm being fake but not bringing issues up all the time, and I tell him I can't live that way, I want to be able to have a regular day, talk about the weather, or anything other than our issues once in a while. He seems to prefer to live in the brooding depressing space all the time.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Dealing with the outbursts of a spouse is tiring indeed, especially if the outbursts seem irrational or disproportionate.  Alas, that's typical for BPD.

May I ask, other than the kids leaving the home, have there been other life changes recently, such as illness or retirement?  Changes can be stressful, and stress can elicit BPD behaviors.

It may be that with the kids leaving, your spouse took a hit to his self esteem.  For example, my husband is very much a "provider" for his kids, more than a "nurturer".  I think that when the kids started to become more independent, he wasn't needed as much, and he lost part of his identity.  Identity can be very fragile and amorphous for people with BPD, who often struggle with knowing who they really are and what they really want.  They can have intense feelings of abandonment and alienation, but not really understand intellectually what's wrong.  Self-doubt is a common issue, and where there's self-doubt, there's insecurity, and where there's insecurity, there's a tendency to see slights and insults everywhere, even where there are none.  Does that ring true?

Another phenomenon to be aware of is projection.  People with BPD often have obsessive, negative thinking patterns and ruminate a lot.  Their preoccupations become a lens through which they see and interpret the world, and the lens is often highly distorted.  So let's take the issue of feeling abandoned.  If this is bothering him, he might start to interpret all sorts of benign incidents and actions as signs of abandonment, and start projecting those fears onto other people whom he deems are causing the feelings of abandonment in him.  For example, someone not answering a phone call or text right away is interpreted as not caring, or being mean, or thinking the person isn't important enough to respond to.  That might unleash a tirade of nasty texts or accusations, like, "You never pay any attention to me, you don't care about me, you never talk to me!"  Ironically, the truth can be the reverse--he's the one who doesn't talk or pay attention to others, and yet he regularly receives all sorts of attention.  Does that sound about right?  I'd advise, listen to the feelings behind the accusations, and not necessarily the facts.  What feelings is your spouse conveying?  Insecurities, worries about not being good enough, boredom, frustration, alienation?  Cheating, lying, feeling inadequate?  If you understand the phenomenon of projection, you might get a better handle on the underlying issues.  Sometimes what he accuses you of is really what he's thinking about himself.

[PainConfusion]

I can relate to all of this. I very much appreciate your thoughtful questions and recommendations. Very helpful. None of us want to be trying to cope with this - but trying to see things from a different perspective really helps.

[42andyou]

In response to the question about any other factors that may be contributing to my uBPDh showing such a change in recent years, yes, I do have 'theories' about it.

Several years ago, he went for the first time ever to get therapy and medication for horrible abuse as a child, and for ADHD. After some time, he disclosed to me the full extent of the abuse, and his actions over the years made a lot more sense, as I didn't know the level of it. He was also started on stimulants and depression meds at that time.

The stimulants definitely made him a little more verbal and quicker to get angry, but it was manageable and only maybe once or twice a month. What I did notice, is that over time, it seemed like his ability to show empathy and compassion to me slowly disappeared. He has always been able to see my view, or tried to over the 20 years we had been married, but it is truly like that ability is gone now over the last few years.

His emotional state really escalated last August when we found out his dad was going to pass away. He was not close with him, and had a lot of guilt around it, even though I have always reassured him it was not his responsibility (his parents divorced when he was a baby and he only saw his dad maybe once a month). It seemed like from that time on, and especially after his dad passed, that he is unable to control his emotions at all. Everything is directed at me, I am the problem and responsible for all of his feelings, according to him.

He now blames me and has outbursts 2-3 a week, I never know what version of him I am going to wake up to. Today he told me that he feels hopeless and like we are over. He has said that here and there throughout our marriage, but it has become really consistent the last six months, I just don't know what to do other than tell him I want him to be happy and to do what he needs to do. I'm just glad our children are grown (barely) and that I had some good years with him before this really surfaced.