15 Year Marriage Cracking due to Splitting / wife’s BPD behaviors

[PNWHusband]

I am not even sure where to start. Met in college, married 6 years later still together at 25 years. We were great together and rarely fought and never seriously until she stopped birth control (due to migraines) 3 years ago.

 Ever since she has been diagnosed with PMDD, Bipolar 2, and Borderline. Her triggers and emotional episodes have become regular and intense. They leave me feeling like nothing I try or say or do has any positive impact. It’s like in those moments I don’t know the person yelling back at me.

I’m not without my faults and have been trying to learn and grow and improve as to not trigger her but after reading the Stop Walking on Eggshells I realized I was probably doing more harm than good by taking that on myself.

We recently got her into a psychiatrist and a new therapist that specializes in mood and personality disorders. I have been putting up better boundaries and doing my best to stay calm and non-reactive, but it’s so hard. I’m drained. I just didn’t really realize the size of the hole I’m in or the scope of the problem until I read that book.

She demands I not trigger her, make her feel better, and tell her what she wants to hear all under the label of “holding her down”. Anything other than agreement, apology, and reparations for the perceived wrongdoing (using incorrect words or not supporting her how she thinks I should have) becomes another trigger and more escalation.

The most frustrating part is that I don’t think she can articulate what she actually needs to process her feelings / feel better. She simply doesn’t know herself and wants me to try until she feels better. It’s an impossible task and she absolutely looses it when I challenge her to use something out of our toolkits / therapist recommended things to help. She claims my inability to figure it out is me not taking responsibility and being defensive despite me pleading with her to help me help her in these moments. We will spend whole days with me walking on eggshells and doing my best to support her where every word or action I take isn’t right and triggers her.

The final straw and made me seek out this support forum was her telling me that because she has gone to therapy for longer that our repetitive fights (her getting upset over something minor and then i end up not supporting her correctly or further triggering her which leads to more escalation etc) are because I’m not healed enough to see how it’s my fault for triggering her, that it’s my responsibility to not trigger her, and that I am failing to support her in ways that make her feel good / validate her feelings / “hold her down”. She expects gentle, unconditional support even when she is triggered and irrational and being vicious.

I’m not really even sure what I’m here for. I just needed to vent and maybe some of you can relate. We are great probably two weeks out of the month (just before, during, and after her ovulation) and every time the swing back just hits me like a ton of bricks. It’s like loosing the love of my live and watching her turn into someone who is unstable and triggered someone who villainizes me whenever she becomes dis regulated.

Im in therapy too and just got a more specialized one as well to help me. I have my own DX that makes this harder and I know I do play a role in our conflict. We are in weekly couples therapy (have been since she came off birth control and things started to get rocky, but she isn’t good enough. I am hoping we can find someone strong enough to take on our relationship without being intimidated (we are both Virgo type A people and very intense on a good day).

It’s just so much. I appreciate being able to vent. Open to all tips / thoughts everyone might have.

Appreciate you all!
J

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PapaBear1000]

Hi there
 
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're not alone. I'm going through something similar with my wife of 10 years. Every time I disagree with her on anything, set any kind of boundary on how I want to be treated, or try to get her to accept responsibility for her life, I'm sarcastically mocked, threatened with divorce, and have been gaslighted/accused of being an abuser. She has even run away to domestic violence shelters without cause. Like you, I've been on a journey to address my own issues and engage in personal growth. I've been seeing a therapist for the last three years, and during that time my wife's symptoms have intensified. For what it's worth, my therapist says that my journey towards growth and healing for myself has likely triggered my wife's fear of abandonment and that's why things have gotten worse. Know that you aren't alone, friend. It's ok to vent. There are others who are going through the exact same thing. We're all doing our best, but yeah, it's so exhausting. And it's heartbreaking to love someone you know is in terrible pain and want to help them, but not be able to get through. Sometimes I just break down and cry my eyes out.

[Pook075]

She demands I not trigger her, make her feel better, and tell her what she wants to hear all under the label of “holding her down”. Anything other than agreement, apology, and reparations for the perceived wrongdoing (using incorrect words or not supporting her how she thinks I should have) becomes another trigger and more escalation.

The most frustrating part is that I don’t think she can articulate what she actually needs to process her feelings / feel better. She simply doesn’t know herself and wants me to try until she feels better.\

Hello and welcome to the family.  Your story resonated with me so much because I went through the exact same arguments, and I can see that you're doing just as poorly as I did.  I'm very sorry you're going through this and hopefully I can help.

First off, stop all arguing since it never leads to anything productive.  If your wife is getting heated and blaming you for <whatever>, tell her that you're going to walk away to give both of you some time to cool down.  If she persists (which she will, because she's used to being in charge and having temper tantrums whenever she wants), tell her that you love her but you're going to leave the house for a bit because you don't want to argue. 

Go anywhere, do anything...but you must physically pull yourself from every argument that's escalating.  Make it a clear and predictable pattern to end arguments.  If she can't talk to you calmly, then you're not participating.

On the flip side of that, pay closer attention to when arguments (or accusations) start.  What's the actual spark that lights the fire?  The reason this is so important is because there's almost always a mood shift before she blows a gasket, and if you're focused then you can show compassion and snuff out that mood before it festers.  It's not about "what's wrong" as much as it is "how she's feeling", the explosive stuff comes from feeling slighted and it going unchecked.  It could be as simple as giving her a hug and telling her you love her when she suddenly looks distressed...it really can be that easy.

Keep your head up and again, welcome to the family!  Hopefully we can help!

[PNWHusband]

First off, stop all arguing since it never leads to anything productive.  If your wife is getting heated and blaming you for <whatever>, tell her that you're going to walk away to give both of you some time to cool down.  If she persists (which she will, because she's used to being in charge and having temper tantrums whenever she wants), tell her that you love her but you're going to leave the house for a bit because you don't want to argue. 

Go anywhere, do anything...but you must physically pull yourself from every argument that's escalating.  Make it a clear and predictable pattern to end arguments.  If she can't talk to you calmly, then you're not participating.

On the flip side of that, pay closer attention to when arguments (or accusations) start.  What's the actual spark that lights the fire?  The reason this is so important is because there's almost always a mood shift before she blows a gasket, and if you're focused then you can show compassion and snuff out that mood before it festers.  It's not about "what's wrong" as much as it is "how she's feeling", the explosive stuff comes from feeling slighted and it going unchecked.  It could be as simple as giving her a hug and telling her you love her when she suddenly looks distressed...it really can be that easy.

Thank you both! It makes a difference knowing that this isn’t as wild and crazy as it feels sometimes. I’ll be honest - reading the Stop Walking on Eggshells book changed my life. I had no idea how bad and distorted things had gotten between us and how out of line her expectations have become.

I am seeing some really good results with taking a break whenever things even start to go above normal talking. It’s definitely not an easy fix button, but it stops the escalation. Pairing it with a boundary that I am not responsible for her emotions combined with reassurance that I am here to help her through processing those feelings has gone over well.

I appreciate the help, suggestions, and community support. It means a lot!!

[Pook075]

Thank you both! It makes a difference knowing that this isn’t as wild and crazy as it feels sometimes. I’ll be honest - reading the Stop Walking on Eggshells book changed my life. I had no idea how bad and distorted things had gotten between us and how out of line her expectations have become.

I am seeing some really good results with taking a break whenever things even start to go above normal talking. It’s definitely not an easy fix button, but it stops the escalation. Pairing it with a boundary that I am not responsible for her emotions combined with reassurance that I am here to help her through processing those feelings has gone over well.

I appreciate the help, suggestions, and community support. It means a lot!!

No problem at all, we're a family here.  Keep us in the loop and rant away whenever you need to.  It's all part of the process and I was where you are a few years ago.  My marriage ended in divorce due to infidelity, but my ex and I "could have" made it once I understood the patterns and how to make her feel loved and secure.  The difference was night and day after a few tough conversations.

Also, remember that you're wife is sick...this isn't 100% her fault either.  She deserves compassion, even when she's ranting like someone possessed. She simply relies more on emotion than the average person, and that can lead her to some truly dark places.  Validation and compassion reverses those mindsets, so give it often and you'll see the arguments lessen.  It's a process though, so be patient.  You'll get there in time.