Looking for Others Who Have Been the Scapegoat in a BPD Family & Relationships

[deno]

Hi everyone,

I’ve spent years trying to understand what happened in my life, and I’ve come to realize that I was the scapegoat in a family deeply influenced by BPD. But it didn’t stop there—BPD dynamics followed me into relationships too. My ex-wife, an old romantic relationship, and my sister all bpd's played roles in reinforcing the same destructive patterns I grew up with.

From the outside, my family looked normal, but behind the scenes, I was constantly blamed, undermined, and made to feel like the problem when I wasn’t. I now recognize the signs—splitting, projection, manipulation, flying monkeys, rewritten history, and smear campaigns. The emotional fallout has affected my relationships, career, and mental health in ways I’m still working through.

The hardest part is the loneliness that comes with it. People who haven’t lived this don’t understand. Some minimize it, some avoid the topic, and others act like I’m just making excuses. I had hoped my wife would fully understand, but she only sees parts of it, and I feel like I’m carrying this weight alone.

I know I’m not the only one who has been through this, but I haven’t met many people who truly get it. If you’ve been scapegoated in a BPD family, if you’ve had relationships with people who used the same patterns, if you’ve lost relationships due to smear campaigns, or if you’ve had to cut off family to protect yourself, I’d really like to hear from you.

How do you cope with the loneliness? Have you found people who actually understand? And if you’ve broken free from the scapegoat role, how did you do it?

Thanks for reading—I really appreciate any insights.

[Notwendy]

Welcome- I think you will find many posters here who can relate to your situation due to our own experiences.

I have a BPD mother. A common family pattern is for one child to be the scapegoat child and another one is the golden child. While it is difficult to be the scapegoat child, in actuality, it's also not good for a child to be the golden child. I've been the scapegoat child and while this felt hurful growing up, it also allowed me to be less enmeshed with BPD mother.

There's a lot to unpack with the loneliness. I can relate. I first noticed it in middle school.  I have  been able to make friends but seem to keep disconnected at the same time.

I am married and my connections with spouse and children seem more "normal". I agree though - that it's difficult for someone to connect with this if they haven't experienced it.

The closest situation I have found (in addition to this board) has been ACA groups. These aren't only for adult children of alcoholics- it can include adult children from disfunctional families because the family dynamics are similar. Working with a sponsor and these groups have helped me to look at my own behaviors and how I would want to change them. It feels less lonely to be able to share experiences and hear others share too.

Counseling has helped too. Growing up- the reason our families may have looked "normal" from the outside is the secrecy and also the rules to not disclose any issues. A counselor is a safe person to speak to and also can provide professional support. 

[zachira]

Being a family scapegoat is one of the most lonely and painful experiences anybody could ever experience. I am one of five generations of scapegoats. It takes time to process how hurtful it is to be a scapegoat And to establish the boundaries that allow you to become a person in your own right and become less affected by being a scapegoat. What boundaries do you have in place with family members and flying monkeys right now that are protective and limit the cycles of abuse? I too have struggled with choosing people who were abusive like my family members. I am a work in progress. There is hope that you will spend less time in feeling the hurt and finding more happiness in your own life because you now understand that you have been targeted as a scapegoat. We scapegoats spend many years feeling that the abuse is our fault. When we realize we are not the problem and it is the people who support the scapegoat narrative then we are on the road to valuing ourselves and choosing to spend the vast majority of our time with the right kind of people.

[314rabbit]

I was/am the scapegoat in my family. My older sister was the golden child and tragically died when I was a teen. Really magnified my scapegoat status after she was gone.

My grandmother never forgave me for having the "wrong" father and spent a lot of her time making sure I knew how much she did not like me.

Going to ACA helped me a lot with working through a lot of it, and my therapist sees me weekly. My upbringing colors my whole life, and makes a lot of things tough.

[Prevail2]

Deno, I believe you will get some good advice on this board. Your post prompted me to sign up and respond. I discovered this site several months ago and I’ve read a lot by notwendy and zachira and others explaining the (dys)function of a family and its BPD members. I was completely unaware of BPD until I discovered this board. My mother suffered from high and lows and as a child, I attributed her diagnosed Bipolar disorder as the reason for her “personality”.

I knew our family’s relationships were fragile and the bargain we shared as siblings was to “survive”. Harmony was only achieved if each sibling accepted its role — and if a sibling diverged from its role, there were consequences. Golden child and Scapegoat were assigned to each child based on what child sufficiently fed “the unit”. It is akin to the Borg in Star Trek and we are ‘the collective’ as a family. Scapegoating occurred when mom was not “fed” or the unit was in jeopardy of collapsing.

Resistance is — and was — futile.

I use this Borg reference today b/c it helps me understand while I navigate and explain my life now. On the outside, nobody was aware as we looked like the average, friendly neighbors — other than friends not visiting our home, my father distanced himself and left, and other family members suddenly dissociated with my mom. My mom convincingly told us that it was “others” who had a problem. My mom is intelligent and sophisticated. Her explanations made sense. I was young and I believed it. I didn’t recognize her disorder.

We were reduced to a family of 4. No other relatives due to disassociation, alienation or death.

Myself and another sibling went to great lengths to protect, care for and economically support our mother to keep her even-keeled. I thought this was normal, well, “our” normal.

I pursued a career that is universally known as the epitome of high standards, responsibility, and ethics/honesty. I subconsciously chose my job to counteract the dysfunction and labeling of me that was mirrored in my life.

It worked for many years, and then it didn’t.

I recently was unable to accept my siblings’ dysfunction (and verbal/emotional abuse) along with some of their not-so-legal shenanigans.

I did the JADE for a few months, hoping there some sensibility/sanity. I held my ground which infuriated my siblings because I always did everything in my power to fix and feed, taking care of the unit when cracks appeared. But in time, I learned that facts didn’t matter with my family members.

The Borg sensed my dissent.

I finally made a hard decision and I “left” the Borg.

My crime? I voiced a disagreement I had with my siblings. For the first time, I enacted a boundary and then I had to limit contact with my mother b/c my siblings were scapegoating me, exasperating her BPD. The fallout continues today.

My mother’s BPD “rage” has gone on for over 2 years. There is no “calming” or self-soothing for my mother. I receive multiple dreadful emails from my mom every day. She has contacted her neighbors, my friends, my in-laws, the newspapers, and any contact she can find and unfortunately, she is versed to sound believable. I don’t respond. My siblings and I no longer have contact.

You asked if one has ever “broken free from the scapegoat role”? I don’t believe so unless you relent, get back in line and feed the Borg. (I have to use a bit of humor to survive). I think Notwendy gives a wonderful explanation of why these dynamics play out.

I wake up every day and I struggle not necessarily from loneliness but from complete bewilderment and sadness. From one day to the next, I lost my family. I lost my connection, my childhood memories and momentos, my photos, my notebooks/letters, my identity, if this makes sense. All erased.

But now it’s time to rebuild in whatever shape it takes and as messy as it will be. I hope you gain some help here and prevail with some peace in your life.

[Notwendy]

Hi Prevail-

Welcome to the board. I like the Borg reference. 

Our family looked good from the outside as well. Other people didn't have a clue. Dad stayed and was a part of the unspoken family rule. "mother is normal". It wasn't that we as a family had to look OK- it was that she had to be the one to look good. She was the center of attention. Our role was to support hers.

I "left the Borg" when BPD mother began to enlist my then teen age kids as emotional caretakers and for her own self image. It was a balance. She did embrace the role of grandmother and at first, when they were little,  I thought maybe this could also be some path to my "redemption" with my parents as if somehow, if the parent-child relationship didn't go so well- maybe it could be fixed this way. Maybe BPD mother could be a good grandmother and somehow this would make things OK.

But also I knew to be protective. I would not ever leave my kids alone with her. This wasn't an issue when they were little. She had no interest in babysitting- someone else was always there too. Even if she did want to do that, I would not have allowed it but she didn't ask. It was when they were teens that she wanted to be one on one with them and I could see her enlisting them.

That began my "leaving the Borg".

I can relate to the sense of loneliness and disconnect. Also the loss at the time. But was it really a loss? Or was it that my illusion of my family was an illusion of wishful thinking and now I see it differently?

I think I perceive my BPD mother more clearly now. She is very affected by BPD. How she perceives other people is not about them, but it's her own disordered thinking. It's actually very sad for her that she feels how she does.

 With her being elderly- and needing assistance, she's engaged in similar dynamics with people outside the family. In her thinking, Someone, or something, is in scapegoat role. It's clear to me that the role of scapegoat is in her thinking, not about anyone else. Whatever BPD mother thinks about someone else- does not make it true.

It's not about anybody else- not anyone here. I hope for all of us here, we can hold on to this.

[PearlsBefore]

Jung added an important corollary to Occam's Razor.

At its core:
In a 4-person family unit where three individuals have mental health issues, and one does not, the family will subconsciously agree to label the healthy one as abnormal and cast aside their opinion so as not to damage their own self-schemas. This then has the further problem as the child grows up, as public opinion of the community or professionals informed by the family, is that the healthiest is sickest, and the sickest is healthiest.

[Notwendy]

That's interesting. I've seen another dynamic, don't know what to call it. There was one family member with a disorder (not BPD) on the Dr. Phil show. Other family members didn't have the disorder but the focus was on the one person who also seemed to have control over the whole family.

Dr. Phil said to them "you are all lost in the woods and looking to a disordedered person to lead you out".

My family: BPD mother, the only one with a mental disorder. Dad was enabler. Since the parents had control, children had to follow their lead. BPD mother was the center, all other family members were focused on her. Since the "family rule" was "mother is normal" any person that didn't support this was considered to be "one with the issue" not her. 

[Methuen]

Yesterday was kind of a tough session with my T.  I was doing some work on triggers as I had been triggered that morning by someone at the dentist office.  This work on personal growth is long and hard.

This morning I read your thread and decided to respond to your call.

My H attends my T sessions.  This is because we are alone with my BPD mom.  Completely.  To the outside world we always looked like the normal family you talk about in your post.  I think now that mom is elderly and infirm, people will attribute her difficulties to age , rather than personality.

After the difficult T session, I turned to my H and repeated (as I have many times) that I wished desperately that I could talk to my father.  

He passed away 20 years ago.  

My situation is different than yours because I  had no siblings.  

This means I was both the scapegoat and the golden child child.  Both could happen in the same day, or hour.  And when the “turn “ happened, in the same minute. It meant I grew up on edge.

Two years ago, I had to stop being mom’s “caregiver “.  I am in my young 60’s.  Mom had refused assisted living discussions, gone nuclear, but was unable to function on her own.  She lives independently, on paper.  But has groomed a small army of slaves to look after her.  At first she also refused home care, but then eventually (3 ish years later) home care took the choice away from her for medical reasons.  When I stopped being mom’s caregiver, I did it by coming out of retirement and returning to work.  Work was my boundary for not being able to “caregive” any longer. I wasn’t available to her. In full scapegoat mode, I was labeled as selfish, a terrible person, not worthy of being her daughter any more.  My H took over taking her to Dr and dentist appointments and getting her groceries. He did this out of love for me, if that makes sense. I was falling apart after trying to be the good daughter all while being abused by her personality disorder. He also took over these tasks because he is a good person with a kind heart. Home care has stated that without our support, she would be in hospital within two weeks. We are kind of waiting for the event which will put her in hospital.  We will not bring her home again.

Prior to taking over these duties for my mom, H used to tire of me coming home from mom’s house emotionally exhausted and complaining how what I did was “never enough “. Sometimes I was so exhausted I was crying.  She’s just mean.

Now he gets it.  She has pushed him over his edge so many times.  Any interaction with her involves some level of crazy.  Despite now “getting her”, (which for the first 35 ish years of marriage she cannily managed to hide the worst parts of her from him), he has never had to live with her.

Being raised by her is a whole other level of crazy.

The only person who would understand what living with her meant was my father.

He has been dead for twenty years.  

Being the scapegoat is such a lonely place.  As an only child, I was lonely a lot.  But I was also lonely as the only child of a BPD mother.  Something was different.  The “turns” were confusing and unpredictable and unsafe.

I told my T a story yesterday. She has a lifetime of experience.  But she was still shocked.  After the appointment, I turned to my H and pointed out that my father didn’t even know about that.  It happened when I was 6.

That is when I said I wished I could speak to my father.  He was a good person.  He would have his own stories about my mom.  A few of them I witnessed, but I know there are many more I didn’t. It must have been difficult for him.  I believe he did his best to shield me.  Which of course he couldn’t do.

As I was talking, I realized that this wasn’t just about me.  My dad must have felt the loneliness too.  I could show him that “I get it”.  Unbelievably, I used to be pretty enmeshed with my mom when I was younger.  I guess that’s how I survived being in the role of the golden child. He must have felt the isolation too, because mom and I were close.

I now have so many flashbacks to things I remember him saying to her from when I was a child..  “Why do you always have to twist things”?  “why does there always have to be a crisis “? Etc etc etc.

If we could talk now, we would understand each other.  We would be able to support each other.  We always had a connection, and I miss that.  My H is a great person, and was able to understand my desire to want to talk with dad, because he is the only other person who had to live with her.  

Now I am alone.  

But I am also not alone.  

All of our experiences are so different. And yet they are also alike. There are similarities and patterns.

It’s not about whose situation was worse, but about understanding that we all suffered, and being able to empathize and support each other, and find strategies to navigate our situations.

I am glad you have found this community.  

It is a validating place. And a place where we can choose to keep putting one foot forward in front of the other while learning to protect ourselves from the craziness.

Thanks for starting the thread.  It is interesting to hear different stories.  And it is an important opportunity to express ourselves with our own story.  These things all help with the processing. And with supporting each other. And knowing that while we feel alone, we are not really alone at all.  We have connection.

[Notwendy]

  Methuen

We may feel alone but I think we also recognize kindred souls. A couple of times, there's been a young person, aroung the age of my kids, attending an ACA group, sharing their story and I feel a sort of connection- as I recall how I felt when I was starting to gain independence from my family. 

Recently a young man attended the group and shared a similar story and I felt that "tug" of empathy. There's a few minutes after the meeting to chat so I approached him and said I could relate to his story and hoped the group would help him.

As I was talking to him, I could see his eyes begin to well up.  He could tell I understood.

We do feel alone and also, I think we can recognize this feeling in others- and with even a few words, I think we can remind them, and ourselves,  that we are not alone.