Help me to process things

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello. First time posting.

In September 2020 I met a wonderful man who was doing my neighbours garden. We got talking. I felt like I had found my soul mate. I felt he was struggling with something but he lit up when he saw me. For the next 4 months we talked online and the phone. Planning to go for a date eventually. It was intense. We talked 24/7 ,but it often felt he dominated conversations. He talked very early on about his struggles with drink and that he was now sober. He spoke about his ex and how 2 years ago they split. He never told me the truth. He told me it was mutual. Peaceful. They were still friends. The first thing I noticed was he had 3 photos of her up in his house. They were kissing. It broke my heart. She had never lived at the property. He would keep in Contact with. Overtime I discovered through a family member that he cheated on her and his reluctance to pay towards the bills and keep drinking ruined their relationship. Overtime one or two more people advised me to stay clear of him. They told me how he treated her terribly and cheated etc. They warned me that he would just drag me down.

Over time it became clear he was messaging other women. He was shady with his phone. Mood swings kicked it. Money issues were always present. He as in and out of work switching between his bad back and his mental health. He'd sleep strange hours. Be on his phone all night. He'd snap over tiny things. He didn't like communication. He hated being questioned and didn't like being caught out. He would lie constantly about money and we got into a cycle of him borrowing.

Around 18 months in we split up after messages on his phone to his ex were discovered by me. Very emotional and alot more respectful than the messages I got. None of his family were speaking or involved with him so I never met them. There was however 2 cousins who he kept in touch with but didn't live near. The female one told me how bad he had screwed up with his ex. She Said he wouldn't ever get over her. She told me I'd never be her basically. She went from being kind to me to turning on me. The reason was because my BPD was telling her allsorts of lies about me. Including I tried to get him to punch me and that I had taken some of his money. He ignored me for 4 months as I attempted to return his stuff after the split. He eventually needed something from the items and got this cousin to threaten me to send it or else. She accused me of keeping his stuff to control him. Again false.

I was on the floor at this point. Sex had been a very weird part of stuff. He never wanted me after the initial 2 months. He was ice cold. Hugged the dog and turned his back on me. I was grieving so much. I made the mistake of reaching out to both cousins and a couple of ex women of his. One of the women was treated just as bad and we remain in touch to this day. The other thought I was crazy. One cousin turned on me. The other defended me. It was a mess. I ended up in therapy. Trying to grieve all that had happened.

A friend I fell out with messaged him to get revenge. They had a 2 month thing together. It made me want to did. I was so so so broken. Yet I still wanted to talk to him. In 6 months I'd not had one response. But he was involved with my no longer friend. I eventually contacted them both and snapped. He came crawling back but I think it's because he was about to be homeless.

For the last 2 years he's been so bad. Heavily into drugs. Lying. Lying. Lying some more. He's really really screwed up my brain. He's been psychotic. Hearing voices. He's been letting bad people live with him. I haven't been down his house in 6 months. Eventually towards Christmas I ended it. He did hang around for a while. But 3 weeks ago as he was about to become homeless again he got a puppy and he had continued to mix with addicts.

Out the blue he said both his cousins had contacted him. The one who defended me now thinks I'm a piece of poo apparently. The other began sending me vile messages calling me names and stuff. He made out he had no idea why she was. But he also said he wouldn't defend me. 3 days later he said he was in hospital after hearing voices but was now home. Asked me if I still cared. I told him I was still so hurt that he refused to defend me. He began calling me a C and a p...k and shouting abuse saying I deserved everything and brought it all on myself. He said I was to blame for all the people I've reached out to turning on me. Because I was the instigator.

In 4 years he had 12 grand.
Loads of clothes.
I paid a ton of bills
Bought all his food
Helped him find housing
Helped him sort his medications
Listened
Held him
Let him use my house when I was working.
I walked miles to spend time with him.

To be called a piece of poo

Help me.

[Thendoftheroad]

Hello. First time posting.

In September 2020 I met a wonderful man who was doing my neighbours garden. We got talking. I felt like I had found my soul mate. I felt he was struggling with something but he lit up when he saw me. For the next 4 months we talked online and the phone. Planning to go for a date eventually. It was intense. We talked 24/7 ,but it often felt he dominated conversations. He talked very early on about his struggles with drink and that he was now sober. He spoke about his ex and how 2 years ago they split. He never told me the truth. He told me it was mutual. Peaceful. They were still friends. The first thing I noticed was he had 3 photos of her up in his house. They were kissing. It broke my heart. She had never lived at the property. He would keep in Contact with. Overtime I discovered through a family member that he cheated on her and his reluctance to pay towards the bills and keep drinking ruined their relationship. Overtime one or two more people advised me to stay clear of him. They told me how he treated her terribly and cheated etc. They warned me that he would just drag me down.

Over time it became clear he was messaging other women. He was shady with his phone. Mood swings kicked it. Money issues were always present. He as in and out of work switching between his bad back and his mental health. He'd sleep strange hours. Be on his phone all night. He'd snap over tiny things. He didn't like communication. He hated being questioned and didn't like being caught out. He would lie constantly about money and we got into a cycle of him borrowing.

Around 18 months in we split up after messages on his phone to his ex were discovered by me. Very emotional and alot more respectful than the messages I got. None of his family were speaking or involved with him so I never met them. There was however 2 cousins who he kept in touch with but didn't live near. The female one told me how bad he had screwed up with his ex. She Said he wouldn't ever get over her. She told me I'd never be her basically. She went from being kind to me to turning on me. The reason was because my BPD was telling her allsorts of lies about me. Including I tried to get him to punch me and that I had taken some of his money. He ignored me for 4 months as I attempted to return his stuff after the split. He eventually needed something from the items and got this cousin to threaten me to send it or else. She accused me of keeping his stuff to control him. Again false.

I was on the floor at this point. Sex had been a very weird part of stuff. He never wanted me after the initial 2 months. He was ice cold. Hugged the dog and turned his back on me. I was grieving so much. I made the mistake of reaching out to both cousins and a couple of ex women of his. One of the women was treated just as bad and we remain in touch to this day. The other thought I was crazy. One cousin turned on me. The other defended me. It was a mess. I ended up in therapy. Trying to grieve all that had happened.

A friend I fell out with messaged him to get revenge. They had a 2 month thing together. It made me want to did. I was so so so broken. Yet I still wanted to talk to him. In 6 months I'd not had one response. But he was involved with my no longer friend. I eventually contacted them both and snapped. He came crawling back but I think it's because he was about to be homeless.

For the last 2 years he's been so bad. Heavily into drugs. Lying. Lying. Lying some more. He's really really screwed up my brain. He's been psychotic. Hearing voices. He's been letting bad people live with him. I haven't been down his house in 6 months. Eventually towards Christmas I ended it. He did hang around for a while. But 3 weeks ago as he was about to become homeless again he got a puppy and he had continued to mix with addicts.

Out the blue he said both his cousins had contacted him. The one who defended me now thinks I'm a piece of poo apparently. The other began sending me vile messages calling me names and stuff. He made out he had no idea why she was. But he also said he wouldn't defend me. 3 days later he said he was in hospital after hearing voices but was now home. Asked me if I still cared. I told him I was still so hurt that he refused to defend me. He began calling me a C and a p...k and shouting abuse saying I deserved everything and brought it all on myself. He said I was to blame for all the people I've reached out to turning on me. Because I was the instigator.

In 4 years he had 12 grand.
Loads of clothes.
I paid a ton of bills
Bought all his food
Helped him find housing
Helped him sort his medications
Listened
Held him
Let him use my house when I was working.
I walked miles to spend time with him.

To be called a piece of poo

Help me.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry we're meeting under these circumstances considering what you've been through.  It sounds like a nightmare and so many here can unfortunately relate.  My BPD ex cheated on me as well and called me horrible things while she was discarding me for another man.  It was horrible...but a few years later I have healed and moved on.

First, please understand that this is not your fault and the patterns you went through were due to mental health.  He's broken and goes through the same cycles with every relationship in his life...friends, family, etc.  It's not that he wanted to hurt you, he simply can't avoid the pitfalls of mental illness...it's like a rollercoaster of highs and lows that keep him off balance, constantly making the same critical mistakes in life while trying to feel normal.

In a way, it's not his fault either...he needs therapy and sober living.  Only he can choose that though and for most suffering from BPD, drugs and alcohol are the path they choose.  It does make things worse but at the same time, it deadens the pain for a few hours at a time.  To me it's sad and I feel for the guy since he's suffering with no end in sight.  You just got caught up in his orbit.

One more truth, there's no way for you to "fix him".  So many of us end up in relationships with BPDs because we want to save them, to make things better.  It doesn't work though, not long-term, because we couldn't possibly know what's really going on inside their heads.  Again, therapy and choosing to get better are the only fixes here, which his family learned the hard way just like you.

Tell us what we can do to help- I'm so sorry you're going through this.