He’s coming back home tomorrow

[NellyBee]

He’s back coming home tomorrow…

I’m new here, married 10 years with 2 daughters, ages 8 and 4.
The past 6 months have been incredibly difficult as I am finally becoming fully aware of the toxic dynamics at play in our marriage. I realize now that many years were spent in confusion about what was happening, avoiding rage triggers, doing my best to “fix” things and in turn enabling destructive behaviors.
After a couple of major back to back rage incidents over the summer, which included spying on/monitoring me, accusations of infidelity, suicide threats, etc I completely shut down (almost left with the kids). Once he settled down a few days later he was desperate to repair and go to marriage counseling (something he refused for years), and instead I was able to persuade him that we each needed individual therapy. I just needed to wrap my head around my role in this dynamic and begin naming out loud my actual needs (which seemed to have been lost somewhere along this path). In turn I was hoping he would come into some self reflection and clarity and begin taking some accountability
Somewhere in the last six months of weekly therapy, I came to reframe my thinking of him, from that of being cruel and emotionally abusive to wondering if he has a mood disorder and that’s the root of the abusive behavior. The descriptions I’ve read of BPD and the conversations I’ve had with my therapist, it seems highly possible that he’s triggered by a fear of abandonment. The past months I have been enforcing boundaries (wait, I can walk away from “an argument” or rage incident when he’s speaking to me disrespectfully?) , validating his feelings but not apologizing when I’m not sorry, avoiding being defensive, not enabling through fixing, not engaging with passive aggressive behavior, insisting that his feelings are his own and that he needs to find healthy ways towards emotional regulation. All in all I’m exhausted and hit rock bottom last weekend with a big emotional storm thrown my way, triggered by our oldest daughter who is 8. Tuesday morning he packed his bag, a total victim in this as I didn’t beg him to stay (this is one of the methods he often comes back to in an act of total desperation: tell me he’s leaving, then blames me when I don’t beg him to stay). This time I told him it really was best if he left for a few days as my brain was in a fog (I literally stared at the coffee mugs for several minutes and wasn’t able to pick one)

Deep down, out of self respect and respect for my children, I know it’s best for us to separate and move towards divorce. I know this conversation is coming soon… any advice on how to approach this with sensitivity and firmness? He’s threatened suicide in the past but lately it’s been more passive suicide threats (he said he hoped an 18-wheeler would veer over and put him out of his misery, things like that). At what point do I call for backup? What’s the saying? Hope for the best and plan for the worst?

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm really sorry you're in this position and having to make impossible decisions.

Nobody here can tell you to stay or go, to reconcile or walk away.  Every situation is different and while there's many commonalities with personality disorders, folks here have had a range of experiences.  I can relate to what you shared so much; my ex wife used to do the same (insist that she leave, then insist that "I threw her out" with no remorse or compassion).  For me, the gaslighting was always the worst part since I never fully realized what was happening.

Okay, you mentioned wanting to have a conversation with sensitivity and firmness.  Let's start there.  The sensitivity part comes from accepting that your husband may have a mental illness that makes him overly emotional when it comes to decision making.  When the average person gets sad or angry or any strong emotion, they rationalize it in their minds to calm down and use logic to work past the moment. 

Those with BPD tend to do the opposite, they obsess over the emotion and dig deeper in their own minds, often making connections that aren't actually there.  Their feelings override logical thought to come up with patterns and scenarios that aren't real.  For example, my ex once told me that I saw her upset in the kitchen and hugged her.  That's true, I did that...she looked down so I held her tightly for 10-15 seconds and kissed her forehead.  But she also said that I could see how much she needed me, how broken she was in the moment, and i chose to walk away leaving her that way.  And it absolutely devastated her, so she started searching her mind for other times I "betrayed her".  And of course she found plenty.

Meanwhile, I was clueless...I had no idea what she was actually thinking or feeling.

So the sensitivity part of this equation is to realize that your husband is sick and he feels like a victim.  It's not his fault that he overly relies on emotion and can't process logical thoughts in a tough moment, so he needs you to steer him back to being grounded in tough conversations.  Although you're not a mind reader, you can tell when someone is sad, angry, scared, etc...and you know what to do when your kids feel that way.  Do the same for him to keep conversations on track, soothe his emotions while ignoring most of the actual words he's saying.  Does that make sense?

For the firmness aspect, there's a phrase tightly associated with BPD- don't walk on eggshells.  That means right is right, wrong is wrong, and you don't get to walk all over me because you're having a bad day.  It's about the boundaries you've been working on where you clearly articulate, "If you do 'x', then I'm going to do 'y' to protect myself...not because I want to, but because 'x' is not okay and it hurts me (or the kids)." 

In other words, make it crystal clear that you'll talk this out, you'll listen as much as he wants, but you're not going to accept abusive behavior because it makes him feel better in the moment.  He will speak to you and the kids with respect or there won't be a conversation...at least for today.  Again, since so much from him is emotional, you have to drive these points home, your core boundaries, because he's so used to just saying or doing whatever, it feels natural to him as "the victim". 

I hope that helps and I'm sure others will have better advice.  I really feel for you!