My story after two divorces

[hardlion]

Hello,

I have read now many messages here and have found them very eye-opening and useful in my still ongoing mental process.

I had first a relatively "normal" 20-year marriage with three kids. It ended up because it just dried up. We were together from teens and I at some point just lost physical and emotional connection with her. In that marriage I think I was somewhat submissive and maybe did not have clear boundaries.

After divorce after first couple of months with sorrow I was like a newborn in single market and everything was exciting and new. Then I met a 10 years younger woman and it just felt amazing from the beginning. I mean sex was great and it felt like real deep connection. She actually said that I was her saviour and lifted her from the bottom and she promised to make everything to make me happy. I have later realized this was love-bombing. We moved together only after 4 months and everything was great. I was feeling so overwhelmed that I decided to propose her after half year of relationship. Two months after that she said that she was pregnant and said that she forgot to take her birth control pills for some period (later I have thought was this intended or not). I did not think anything about it but was just excited.

In between times there were some events that left me thinking what happened and did I do something wrong, but those were so rare I did not thought about it more. She has a history of abusive childhood and unhealthy previous relationships.

After child birth she had some kind of breakdown and really shut down. I was confused but we did get it through by some communication and things were good for a while. At some point she said that she has at least partial diagnosis of BPD, but I had never heard from anything like it and did not try to look any information at that time. I put like "all in" in that relationship. Bought lot of flowers, gifts, trips abroad for instance because it felt so good. I also lend her money because she was/still is not good with money.

Then I think like everything changed. Disagreements start to arise, she was irritated and angry for very small things and something that I was saying usually even positive stuff. She blamed me and called me many mean names. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, my facial expressions, speech tone, walking style etc were interpreted as all negative. I felt close to no empathy from her throughout the relationship. After I had some surgery I still did almost all the house work and took care of our child. When we had disagreement or she was mad she almost every time left somewhere and left me with all the kids (she had two kids from her previous marriage). In those cases she did not answer her phone and I never knew where she was and when she would come back.

She sometimes hurt the feelings of my other kids and I tried to be the one between them to calm down and tried to make her apologize the child because otherwise she would not have done it.
She lied to me many times about some issues and I know she was texting with other men but I never found out if she was actually cheating or not. In that time I think I was going crazy, it affected also my working life and I started to feel really unwell. It was constant rollercoaster, highs and lows. When I tried to talk some logic and reason sometimes, she said that my feelings or thoughts are not important and they do not matter at all. I think she was in control of everything at some level and I just tried to make her happy and to love me. It was hard to not rely on that if she promised something that she will keep it. It was also hard for her to make any long-term plans. I felt like if I said or write to her something very romantic the response was just empty, like no response. It felt very confusing.

In the end everything was my fault, I was like a monster and did all things in a wrong way. Then I was about to lose it and said that I can't live with her anymore. We tried to work still for a month without living together but then she said our 3 year relationship was over.

I was alone for two months after the breakup and was mentally completely messed up. I think I was addicted for the highs/lows and then I contacted her and said that could we still try again. We went to therapy and I think it went fine, but after spending couple of days together there was some word that I said or the way I looked at her, she said that she has no feelings for me anymore. Also she said that she already had multiple sex partners in that two month period.

After the final breakup I fortunately did not try again with her. But my mental condition got worse and I think I had lost myself and did not recognize who I was. I lost my self confidence and lot's of times felt physically sick. I went to the doctor and had 6 months of therapy. Little by little life started to feel good again.

Now it has been 2 years after breakup, I have been in a new relationship for 1 year. But still my exBPD is still in my mind I think too much and still I think sometimes should I contact her although I know that it really is not reasonable and will only hurt me and for example our child. It is just hard to forget the idolizing period and the high-feeling that I had. It also affects my current relationship where I have had hard times to put my full effort for it and I feel bad about it.

We are still in contact with exBPD because of our child and we take care of him 50/50. This page/forum has helped me a lot and I hope I'm getting over my mixed feelings soon.

Strength to everyone with BPD relationships - ongoing or broken up.

[Pook075]

Thanks for sharing your story, it rings true to so many other experiences here.  The love bombing phase is great, but it never lasts because we're being put on a pedestal in their minds that we don't belong on.  Nobody can measure up to the expectations, and the BPD pulls away once they realize that their own brains tricked them.  It's not even about us in a way, we're just along for the ride.

My advice would be to not reach out.  Some BPDs recycle their relationships and the patterns just speed up each time.  Don't put yourself through that again.

[hardlion]

Thanks for the reply Pook075.

It felt good to write the story down, somehow therapeutic. I agree that the relationship recycle would be most likely a disaster.

I will continue like this and let the time fade out any thoughts related to this. Just trying concentrate to provide our son one stable and consistent home for at least 50% of the time.