My Sister has BPD , her actions are disruptive to my fathers (her fathers) care.

[Tieri]

My sister , the youngest of 4 girls and 5 years older than me (her brother) , the youngest of 5 children has been officially diagnosed w/ BPD approximately 3 years ago however she clearly showed all traits associated with BPD for some 40 years. That said , when my mom passed 6 years ago she claimed to be my fathers “ sole” caregiver (my father is legally blind) even though my wife and I moved in because we knew it was just not going to be possible for her on her own. She was handling all bills, writing checks etc .  FF to 2023 one day she up and left … no warning , no discussion of care for my father , just left but not without stealing upwards of $22,000.00 from my fathers accounts. It took a new attorney and much work to straighten out . She was living wherever and guilting my father daily. I called adult protective services, got a no contact order , she broke in twice , my father lies for her and did not want her arrested.  He bought her a brand nee car , and paid one entire year of rent for her . When the years rent was up , she began her outbursts again blaming my wife and myself for anything and everything. I have helped her get her apartment mind you there was a 3 year waiting list that I was able to get her around and in 3 weeks she was in . Now that the money stopped , het visits to my father  consisted of her going through the house taking anything she wanted, rearranging  my stuff and bring disrespectful and defiant . Finally I told my father that if she was to continue coning to his house (i reside there) there must be conditions, ie. she be limited to his room where he stays . And that all his personal affairs were off limits for discussion.
She agreed , I of course knew that this washer just appeasing him to get what she wanted right then . I was right , she lasted two visits and then tried breaking in the door to my living area .  My father is 94 and blind . She stockholmed him for years and years , every call and or visit is about her , she has no money ( she gets $2400 / month SSDI ) he bought her a brand new 22k car , paid the insurance for 5 years , paid her rent for one year . She can legally earn $1500 a month and not affect her ssdi. She rather spend her time harassing us and trying every way possible to get his $$$.  This is only .001% of what is happening daily . It is so exhausting taking care of my father and then add her to it all she does is turn the house upside down . Its now to the point where she is impacting my life in such a demonic way that my health is starting to be affected by all of this. My father doesnt talk to her for 3 days and he thrives !  Yet he will not tell her to back off , wont even tell her of the problems she creates all out of fear of abandonment . Its so incredibly frustrating and draining.  Its so draining that i cant work other than taking care of my father. She wants half of his monthly pension and ss payment , are you kidding me ? He is not on medicaid, my wife nor I get one cent for not working to stay home and take care of him yet she continually has her hand out , she rants about how terrible it is that she cant go venturing through the house , ( i reside here w/my wife) its our living space !   She listens to WIIFM RADIO .  ( Whats In It For Me) its always all about her , all about how broke she is, about how she feels. Everyone is a liar but her. She still says my father and I kicked her out . Again she up and left on her own accord , told us she was getting an apartment, told my neighbor she was going on vacation. 2 months later she tried apologizing and saying she wanted to come home . I stood my ground, I said if and only if she gets intensive inpatient treatment and that the drs coukd speak to us about aftercare then she could  come back. . I said to my father , if that does not happen, and you let her move back here after everything that there is no possible and reasonable way that my wife and I could continue letting her destroy our lives . I had to stand firm and explain to my father that it was about his health … Do you want your daughter that has an illness in which she refuses to get help for come here to take care of you ? Mind u she cant take care of herself or do you want two people, level headed taking care of you and living somewhat peacefully (when she is not calling or showing up) and he was sane enough to know how he wanted to live . All of my fathers health care providers know of her ways, respite care workers know the situation, our lawyer had to block her because she was harassing him for copies of all of my fathers legal  documents. No matter. What I do or say she will do the exact opposite , being able to read and share here is somewhat comforting knowing there are others dealing with with some of the very same problems im dealing with but have no where to turn for relief, no where. She is non stop , 24/7 her mind is all about blaming, shaming, getting, destroying, bullying, trying to takeover , and a firm believer that her snd the almighty her is above all and should be worthy of everything and anything she wants , i call her “ mind of a child”

[Notwendy]

I am so sorry for your situation. It was in some ways similar when my father was ill and at home with my BPD mother who - to people outside the family- assumed was taking care of him. I called social services to see if there was some way to intervene but he was legally competent and because he was an adult- he, himself, had to agree to that. He would not have. I also thought it was a form of Stockholm in ways. There wasn't stealing involved- it was all joint and marital property but she controlled any resources.

BPD mother was also verbally and emotionally abusive- and eventually, I needed to have boundaries with the situation.

When Dad passed, everything he had went to her. She's gone through it all. There's no bottom line to what your sister would potentially do with your father's resources. It seems he has significant assets which should be used for his care and comfort. Seems you have some ability to protect them. I was not able to do this. BPD mother remains "legally competent" and does what she wants with her assets.

I would recommend you consult an elder law attorney. I think you have grounds for a case for elder abuse and exploitation. If your father has not done so already- you should have power of attorney and medical POA to help him manage his affairs. When Dad was ill, I asked him to give me some access to help manage their funds. I knew what could potentially happen to their assets. My parents did not agree at the time. There were no grounds for legal intervention. It was all joint marital property. Your situation is different.

I understand you aren't getting a penny from your father. I never expected anything either. You aren't intervening for your own purpose. The trend is- as people get older-their care needs increase and the funds need to be there for his needs.

Your sister is also jeapordizing your father's ability to qualify for Medicaid if he ever were to need it. Medicaid looks back at 5 years of finances to be sure that assets that could be used for his care were not "given away". They will see that funds went to your sister. An elder law attorney can explain this to you. There are possible ways to protect your father's assets such as a possible trust - for his care- where your sister can't access it- if that is a possibility for your father.

Do not let this sister move back in. My BPD mother is similar with money- if it's there, she spends it. She also has a sense of entitlement and does not seem to have empathy. I hope you can take action now to protect what your father has left.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Tiere,

So sorry you're having to deal with all this. But to focus on the positive (I know there don't seem to be many) your sister does have a diagnosis. Healing can only begin with a diagnosis. But it also sounds like you need support for your mental health right now. Have you got access to that ? The analogy is that if a plain is crashing, put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping the children, and someone with BPD will have immature behavior.

Having said that I'm not on here much, but other will jump in and Wendy normally doesn't leave people hanging, so do use this forum as it sounds like you need it. But you've got a lot to unpack from your post.

Couple of key points, as a much younger father than yours, we do have unconditional love for our children, but given your fathers age, is it a case of just weathering the storm ? There are techniques on here go help you, but it sounds like you've already made many of the right moves. Could your father manage with zoom meetings with your sister, rather than physical meetings ? You can also record those, if he's vulnerable to being tricked. But if he wants to help, speaking as a father I enjoy helping my daughter , even though she has difficult behavior and only turns up when she needs something. So it's a tricky one. But sounds like a pragmatic, damage limitation approach is needed currently. Be kind to yourself, sound like you're doing the right thing - just don't expect your BPD sister to ever acknowledge that.