Help Coping - seeking understanding

[PainConfusion]

My husband has finally been diagnosed with BPD traits after years of struggle. Trying to find counseling for myself and for him is extremely difficult. I am mostly looking for understanding and empathy since I can’t get that from him. Out local NAMI group is all parents and grandparents - no spouses. I feel isolated and alone.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

My husband has finally been diagnosed with BPD traits after years of struggle. Trying to find counseling for myself and for him is extremely difficult. I am mostly looking for understanding and empathy since I can’t get that from him. Out local NAMI group is all parents and grandparents - no spouses. I feel isolated and alone.

Hello and welcome.  It is very tough finding the right counselor, but there are tons of resources available online to narrow your search.

You can find empathy here since all of us have walked the same path in marriage and/or divorce.  We can also help with the understanding part if you want to ask specific questions about your husband or BPD in general. 

To give you the quick, generic answer though, BPD is a mood disorder that makes people feel intensely...whatever feeling they're dealing with.  Combine that with low self-worth and a fear of abandonment, and it creates a recipe for disaster in all close relationships.  Someone with BPD might "latch on" to a feeling and try to analyze it deeper, which sends them down a rabbit hole of past events that may or may not be remembered clearly or objectively. 

Suddenly you saying, "Did you remember to take the trash out," is an attack on everything he stands for as a person, because disordered thinking has created a reality that looks nothing like the one you live in.

So how do you "fight back" against BPD?  Love and compassion at the right moment can divert the worst of it if you know what you're looking for and have the strength to avoid being sucked into silly arguments about absolutely nothing at all.  If he's mad, acknowledge that and be an ally...what happened to make you upset?  What can I do to help?  If he's sad, give him a hug and remind him that you're there for him.  Sometimes it really can be that easy if you catch it up front.

Why?  There's a term called "splitting" associated with BPD, where someone is viewed in black (bad) and white (good).  So by giving healthy reminders that you love him, you support him, and you're the #1 person who advocates for him, you go from being labeled black or grey to his one white knight.  The more he feels like you understand him, the less he'll lash out in frustration.

I hope that helps as a starting point and again, welcome to the family!

[PainConfusion]

Easier said than done with the abuse, lying, secrecy, rampant infidelity and addictions.

12 years of counselor after counselor. Some even ridiculed me when I suggested a psychiatric evaluation.

It’s so hard and I don’t know where to turn because he has not invested himself in recovery. He blames me of course.

Splitting is daily accompanied by rage and verbal abuse. And then demand for forgiveness like a child. Other people see only the fake false self.

This is so hard. I have through years of counseling found that my mother most likely was suffering from quiet BPD.so it all feels familiar in the worst possible way.

[Pook075]

Easier said than done with the abuse, lying, secrecy, rampant infidelity and addictions.

12 years of counselor after counselor. Some even ridiculed me when I suggested a psychiatric evaluation.

It’s so hard and I don’t know where to turn because he has not invested himself in recovery. He blames me of course.

Splitting is daily accompanied by rage and verbal abuse. And then demand for forgiveness like a child. Other people see only the fake false self.

This is so hard. I have through years of counseling found that my mother most likely was suffering from quiet BPD.so it all feels familiar in the worst possible way.

I completely agree, it's often an impossible task and without a commitment to work for actual change, it can feel insurmountable.  I have a BPD daughter and a quiet BPD ex wife, so I completely understand the frustration.

My kid finally hit rock bottom and turned her life (and her relationships) around.  My ex is still in denial and abuses those closest to her.  But both consider me an ally today, because I put in the work to salvage those relationships.  Obviously the kid was easier because she is aware and wanted active change.

I shared that to say there is hope if you can hold on.  It's not easy and it's definitely not fair, but you do get to choose.