Is there hope?

[Petra1115]

When my partner is angry he often resorts to talking down to me, belittling me, and has in the past even made threats sometimes to harm me or to harm himself. I oscillate between total acceptance of these things about him (as in to accept that this is just part of the cycle or another part of the wave) and feeling this fear that stops me from moving forward with him. The consistently inconsistent aspect of how he shows up sometimes rattles my nervous system. We don't live together at this time, but we spend most nights together. After this belittling happens I take space because I really can't deal with it once the insults come in. He has probably "broken up" with me at least 25 times in the past two years. That lasts for a few hours, or a day. If I just accepted that this is how it is, I would probably fair better. At the same time, I wonder if I should? He doesn't want therapy but has quit smoking marijuana recently which he has been regularly partaking in since he was a teenager. I wonder if things will ever be different. I feel stuck because I want to have a family, and a domestic kind of life, but these episodes stop me from feeling like that can actually happen. He wants a family and marriage and for us to move in together, and I find myself in this place of staying in our relationship because I want those things as well, and also wondering if this will always be how it is? We are both in our 40s and have been together for a couple of years. When things are calm, we enjoy each other's company and laugh all of the time. We have a playful kind of interaction that I really value. He is highly intelligent and intuitive as well. I do feel like while he is intuitive, sometimes the interpretations he makes based off of that intuition aren't entirely based on reality. This is just a side note. I don't know exactly what I am asking for... validation maybe? Or just to be seen. I recognize that my lax boundaries have contributed to this dynamic. I became so overwhelmed that I started antidepressants, which have actually helped a lot. They help me communicate more clearly and to take up more space in a room. Thank you for listening!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PapaBear1000]

Hi Petra
Welcome! As many people here can attest from experience, myself included, accepting "this is how it is" is extremely damaging to your mental and emotional health, particularly over the long term. Accepting belittling, mean, or manipulative treatment erodes your sense of self-esteem which can leave you feeling like a shell of yourself. It can be nothing short of traumatizing. I certainly empathize with your wanting to be in a relationship, but, unless your SO is willing to take responsibility for his and his behavior (something pwBPD have difficulty doing) things are unlikely to change and will likely get worse. Accepting being treated badly doesn't lead anywhere good.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I can relate to a lot of your experiences and feelings, going all the way back to before I married my BPD ex. 

One of the most valuable aspects of this site is learning how to communicate with a BPD loved one and how to build healthy boundaries when they're not at their best.  You'll get there in time, but I will tell you up front that accepting abuse is never okay and it only leads to worse abuse in the future.  When the belittling starts, you must walk away every time.  Don't engage in it, don't try to fight through it, just make it clear that it's not acceptable behavior and you're taking a timeout (you're actually putting him in time-out, but it comes off better making it about you).

Likewise, if he threatens harm to himself or others, dial 9-1-1 and request professional help.  Threatening harm is not okay, and in many cases it's used as a manipulation tool to get others to comply.  Don't accept it any longer, and make these changes a condition of taking the next step in a relationship.  No more abuse, no more manipulation.  If you just accept it, then you're encouraging him to be more bold the next time.

I hope that helps!

[Petra1115]

Thank you! These responses are helpful. I am able to take a time out when the insults fly but it doesn't stop it from happening again. The time out is really for me to calm my nervous system and to be away from him when he is in triggered state. I think it is a good reminder to not accept abuse. I think I am used to a certain level of it now. My bf has started to become more aware of the name calling and has apologized from time to time, but I feel that that is only part of it. The break ups, name calling, manipulation, and belittling just wear one down over time. It's tough. It seems that people in this community understand this. Thanks again for your words.