2 months no contact and still hurting

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It isn't as bad as it was initially, but I've hit a wall. I still drink way more than I want to, but it's lessened. The numbness helps me calm down and be productive at home. If not, I lay in bed. It's pathetic.

I ordered a fancy new shower wall panel with LED lights and temperature readouts so I'm trying to force myself into renovations again, which I used to enjoy. Have a new bathroom vanity coming in today. It's just so hard to get back to who I was. I'm not the fun, cool, fit version I once was. That relationship really destroyed me deeply.

I think another hurdle is that there wasn't really any closure. After she told me I wasn't allowed to go to her friends destination wedding where she was the maid of honor, I knew I wasn't a priority, we weren't a team, and she wouldn't defend me. Her friend hated me because she always painted me black to her when we fought. I sort of just lost it and told her we're broken up, she needed to pack a bag and go to her mom's house. Then she called the police on me. I didn't get in trouble or anything. I stayed at my parent's as she had her friends come help her get most of her stuff. I blocked her entirely and had my police officer sister be the in-between person helping get it all sorted out.

She's in an apartment somewhere. Who knows if her crashed car ever got fixed or if she bought a new one.

Even worse we work together, I keep my door shut and just hear her feet stomping around. Just turn up my music so I don't hear it. I wish the whole no contact thing was possible for me. I don't talk to her at all and never see her, but that lurking feeling knowing she's 20ft away keeps my heart heavy. I am in therapy, and she thinks I'm making progress but it hardly feels like it.

I never thought a woman or relationship could break me so badly. BPD relationships truly are one of a kind, and NO ONE understands unless they've had one. Everyone just says 'breakups happen, just move on already'. Not that easy, they don't get the trauma bond, love bombing, devaluing, etc.

[Me88]

It isn't as bad as it was initially, but I've hit a wall. I still drink way more than I want to, but it's lessened. The numbness helps me calm down and be productive at home. If not, I lay in bed. It's pathetic.

I ordered a fancy new shower wall panel with LED lights and temperature readouts so I'm trying to force myself into renovations again, which I used to enjoy. Have a new bathroom vanity coming in today. It's just so hard to get back to who I was. I'm not the fun, cool, fit version I once was. That relationship really destroyed me deeply.

I think another hurdle is that there wasn't really any closure. After she told me I wasn't allowed to go to her friends destination wedding where she was the maid of honor, I knew I wasn't a priority, we weren't a team, and she wouldn't defend me. Her friend hated me because she always painted me black to her when we fought. I sort of just lost it and told her we're broken up, she needed to pack a bag and go to her mom's house. Then she called the police on me. I didn't get in trouble or anything. I stayed at my parent's as she had her friends come help her get most of her stuff. I blocked her entirely and had my police officer sister be the in-between person helping get it all sorted out.

She's in an apartment somewhere. Who knows if her crashed car ever got fixed or if she bought a new one.

Even worse we work together, I keep my door shut and just hear her feet stomping around. Just turn up my music so I don't hear it. I wish the whole no contact thing was possible for me. I don't talk to her at all and never see her, but that lurking feeling knowing she's 20ft away keeps my heart heavy. I am in therapy, and she thinks I'm making progress but it hardly feels like it.

I never thought a woman or relationship could break me so badly. BPD relationships truly are one of a kind, and NO ONE understands unless they've had one. Everyone just says 'breakups happen, just move on already'. Not that easy, they don't get the trauma bond, love bombing, devaluing, etc.

[seekingtheway]

The proximity thing is tough for sure, and can prolong healing and recovery. It's still possible, but it might just take a bit longer than if she weren't there at all. I have the same situation with my ex, not through work, but we live 100 metres from each other and our children go to the same school, so I understand that when there is a possibility of bumping into that person, it keeps your nervous system wired into a state of hyper-vigilance.

It's not pathetic that you're not healed yet - it's to be expected. You're exactly where most of us were and have been. You're definitely not alone in this relationship having a huge impact on you.

And I agree, the only people who understand what it was like are people who have been through the same, or certain professionals. I feel very seen and understood by my therapist, which has been very important.

It's day by day, bit by bit, coming back to yourself, reclaiming who you are, treating yourself well, loving yourself enough that you WANT to treat yourself well - I think these relationships leave some real rejection and abandonment wounds, so that self love isn't always easy to feel and give.

You've mentioned in your previous posts about becoming aware of some co-dependent tendencies? This kind of experience can really help you to peel back those layers of yourself and examine which behaviours you want to take forwards into your next relationships, and which ones you want to leave behind. But ultimately, there's a lot of peace in accepting you could never save or fix or hold or create safety for your ex, as much as you tried and wanted to, you couldn't. That's something she needs to find for herself, with the support of others of course, but she needs to instigate it and want it and do what is needed to find her own stability.

[Me88]

The proximity thing is tough for sure, and can prolong healing and recovery. It's still possible, but it might just take a bit longer than if she weren't there at all. I have the same situation with my ex, not through work, but we live 100 metres from each other and our children go to the same school, so I understand that when there is a possibility of bumping into that person, it keeps your nervous system wired into a state of hyper-vigilance.

It's not pathetic that you're not healed yet - it's to be expected. You're exactly where most of us were and have been. You're definitely not alone in this relationship having a huge impact on you.

And I agree, the only people who understand what it was like are people who have been through the same, or certain professionals. I feel very seen and understood by my therapist, which has been very important.

It's day by day, bit by bit, coming back to yourself, reclaiming who you are, treating yourself well, loving yourself enough that you WANT to treat yourself well - I think these relationships leave some real rejection and abandonment wounds, so that self love isn't always easy to feel and give.

You've mentioned in your previous posts about becoming aware of some co-dependent tendencies? This kind of experience can really help you to peel back those layers of yourself and examine which behaviours you want to take forwards into your next relationships, and which ones you want to leave behind. But ultimately, there's a lot of peace in accepting you could never save or fix or hold or create safety for your ex, as much as you tried and wanted to, you couldn't. That's something she needs to find for herself, with the support of others of course, but she needs to instigate it and want it and do what is needed to find her own stability.

Yes, the knowledge of her being so close, knowing she continues to enter my building and pass by my office absolutely sucks. Every day is a rush. I believe I'll be ok, but i also know if she didnt work with me, I'd be further along.

I couldn't imagine living so close to her. I feel for you.  And definitely yes, I'm always on edge. "Is today the day she knocks on my door. Or i see her somehow.  Or she reaches out?" Its all too annoying. 

My therapist is a very caring, nice, grandma figure she makes me feel good. Heard. I have probably repeated the same issues and stories for months.  She just rolls with it. Friends or family are tired of me. That's OK.

Youre right. I'm in a weird spot. Self love is not easy.  I dont even know who I am anymore. The enmeshment was over the top. She was me, and I was her. I cant even follow through with my old hobbies anymore, because they became "ours".

Yes. I'm truly trying to reflect on my codependency.  It hasn't really messed me over until now. This is all so crazy. I always viewed it as me being understanding and loving. Yet, it's always screwed me over.

I resonate with you saying 'create safety'. I dont want to save anyone.  I have my own issues. But if my stable presence can help someone else
regulate or stabilize their emotions I'm all in.  I'm not a fixer per se, but if I think my lifestyle or existence can help someone sort out their issues I'm all I'm. 

I could probably bet all of my savings,  401k, stocks and crypto that she will not explore self help. She is in therapy, and has been for years, but she's admitted it isnt helpful. At the same time I'm sure she isn't being honest, we have done couples counseling and it was a joke. She was a stranger, someone i didn't know. Just muted and smiling the while time while her therapist agreed with me.

All of this sucks. 

[seekingtheway]

When you say you don't know who you are anymore - that's a really good place to start. Re-discovering yourself and who you are, what you need, what you like, what you want your future to look like - it's the path to recovery, but I get that it doesn't feel easy to do right now.

It's pretty par for course, I think, that there's a limit to the emotional support friends and family can offer in terms of healing from a relationship like this. A lot of people don't have the bandwidth to see you through the full journey - the boards here are great for filling in some of those gaps, and professional support is so helpful too. I have also found that I've had the chance to learn better self-regulation as a result of finding alternative ways to soothe myself, rather than talking to friends. It's been an unexpected but welcome silver lining.

It can be eye-opening to see where and how codependency can affect our relationships, and what is hiding underneath the idea of being the one who is secure and together. For me, the idea of having a partner who is more together than I am, more emotionally mature than I am, and 100% emotionally available - it feels a little bit intimidating, like there will be parts of me that would be exposed in a relationship like that. In hindsight, lack of emotional availability is a common thread to many of my relationships. So I know that when I'm ready to date again, that discomfort is something I'd like to explore properly, and open my mind to a future with someone who doesn't need me to give so much of myself just for the relationship to exist in the first place. To be loved for who I am, not what I do for them.

All of that is to say, unravelling codependency can be interesting - and could lead to some surprising revelations about yourself that might mean better and healthier relationships in the future.