Valentine's Day

[Lenfan2]

I'm here just to vent a bit. Valentine's day is tomorrow. I'm in a sexless marriage devoid of any romance. I'm tired of pretending otherwise to family and friends. Gifts are exchanged primarily for show as far as I'm concerned now.

The skills I learned here and in therapy  have helped keep things from deteriorating,  but my  stamina for not invalidating, using right techniques etc. is wearing thin. I'm turning into a grumpy old man. Valentine's Day is usually a one way street with pressure on me to get her a nice present (which will either result in me being grilled about spending too much money, or dissed for being cheap)  and maybe I'll get a box of chocolates, (followed by criticism a few days later because I ate them too fast and I'm getting fat). I posted something like this years ago. Nothing's changed. You know the drill.

Last week, she announced my "present" was a couples membership  to  club she wants to join. She's done that sort of in the past for all sorts of gift giving occasions, such as where my present is tickets to see some show only she wants to see. I pointed that out, she glossed over it with an attempt at humor and changing the subject. I'm not feeling well this week and basically said to myself, "screw it she's not getting anything." I was ready to say that there's no romance or sex in our marriage so why pretend otherwise if she gave me hard time about it.  I don't have anymore romantic feelings for her, but I do feel sexual deprivation. Love I feel is more in the nature of a caretaking  relative, though I do have some fond memories of some good times, and her Dr. Jekyll can still be pretty disarming before Mr. Hyde enters.

Sooo . . . this morning, after being in her pleasant Dr. Jekyll mode, she sends me a text at work with a link to get her a present she that she wants. My first thought was to wonder if she knew I was aggravated, and planning on not getting anything. It was modest enough, so I told her I ordered it and decided it would be as good a time as any for me to tell her what I really want, which was sexual in nature but very benign and vanilla, with a request that it would be nice if we tried to restore that aspect of our marriage. If you can't bring the subject up at Valentine's, when can you?  I knew it would go over like a led balloon and it did. The reply was at first dismissive and then hostile with the accusation that I was badgering her(despite the fact that I haven't mentioned the subject in months,) and a list of the many ways I have disappointed her. No surprises there, but I was able to at least express my desires, which I am hesitant to for triggering one of her rants, so it was good to get that off  my chest and on the record. Her texts resumed later as if nothing had happened. (Text is our best way of communicating as she has a tendency to get worked up and talk over people, A quiet rational discussion is not in the cards.)

And single people think Valentine's Day is just painful for them?

Anyway, that's my tale of woe. Not looking for any advice but misery loves company so if you need to vent too, please do so here.

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[thankful person]

Happy Valentine’s Day! Single people may be lonely, but the luckiest bpd caretakers are those of us who found this wonderful community in bpd family and when I’m feeling lonely, I always come here where I feel loved and accepted and actually understood. I totally get it. My wife and I have somehow decided not to get each other gifts or cards this year as we have no money. That never stops her spending money though, but I personally have gone with the brave decision to not buy her anything (though I did just text her a heart to test the waters).

[Lenfan2]

Thanks, Thankful. Hope the day went as well for you as could be expected. Uneventful here, which isn't so bad.

[Elitevaz]

I don’t think you can be successful talking about sexual things you want in this way. If she asks and is looking to please, then yes. However, you cannot negotiate it when she doesn’t want to please. At some point if she’s BPD then she did a love bomb on you. Would you have this kind of difficulty at that time? My ex gave me a trigger for it. I just had to do a certain thing and it was guaranteed to happen. You have a longer term situation than what I experienced, but I just want you to think about the love bomb phase and see that it’s not you. She’s closed off and for you to get what you want, you need to get her interested in indirect ways, as opposed to directly having a conversation with her. It doesn’t work even if she didn’t have BPD. I’m not excusing her behavior in any way, but you have to work with what you have.

[Lenfan2]

Yes,  Elitevaz, the love bombing was great,  but soooo long ago. We're talking pre-internet when none of this info was available, so I had never even heard the term.  I was young, inexperienced and a total innocent who had no idea what was going on at the time. No problems then.  I thought it was real. I knew that no relationship maintains  remains the same forever, but never expected the total 180.

I knew there was little to no chance of direct conversation helping last week. If nothing else she won't be able to credibly use the "If you were so unhappy why didn't you tell me" line on me if I finally do send up the white flag and leave.

[thankful person]

Uneventful here, which isn't so bad.

The event of the day was my five year old was sent home from school early distraught after a playground accident. I NEVER want my child hurting and sad, but if she’s going to be then the timing was good, I know it sounds terrible but it put things in perspective. I feel sad that being with a pwbpd has driven me to say such things.

[GratefulDad]

On, your post really touched me. Thanks for sharing. We are in a very similar place. Last week I was thinking to myself “what’s the point”. I opted for some modest treats and a card with a heartfelt hand written note. I was in tears writing it, I long for a more intimate relationship with my wife but after all these years and all the hurt, I can’t see how it could ever come to be. I expressed some of my desire in the note hoping for anything (not sexual, just closer in a loving way). She barely acknowledged the note until yesterday she tore it up and threw it at me because I fed the cats and woke up before she did.

She accuses me of “treating her like sh&t” and I think she genuinely feels that way. It’s bizarre how the things that she says and does to me somehow she’s sees as me doing to her. I’m not perfect but pretty even keeled, rarely lose my temper or get angry and generally try to be patient, understanding and validating with her but I’m starting to feel paralyzed and unable to do anything in my own home, nothing improves. The longer we are together the more she hates me and thinks I hate her.

Your situation stinks, mine does too. Would love to get her into DBT but she refuses to get any help. Hoping and praying for a breakthrough for you and myself included. Thanks again for sharing, I feel a little less alone. Hope you don’t mind me joining in on venting.

[Lenfan2]

Thankful, I get what you mean. A diversion is a diversion, even if unwelcome and beyond your control.

Grateful, it's tough because you put your heart into it only to be rebuffed, for something ridiculous at that.  Venting is good. Thanks for sharing. Again, at least we are not alone in our struggles.