I keep thinking maybe I’m the issue

[Newyork38]

It took me a lot to post this message. I have been dating someone who I think may have BPD, but I’m not sure. She has broken up with me three times or more in a period of 6 months.

When the relationship is good, it’s so good. Everything about it is good. But when it’s bad, it’s very bad.

One day I texted asking how she was and she replied by telling me that she had heard that I had been promiscuous before our relationship and that made her embarrassed. I called her and tried to explain nicely that one she shouldn’t believe just anything she hears but that also I was single and what I did before we met shouldn’t define our relationship. She hung the phone up on me.  The following day she broke up with me via text stating that she deserves better etc etc. I responded by telling her that I was sad and tried to explain that I didn’t think this was warranted but that I would respect her decision. . She contacted me the following day and initially acted like none of it even happened. When I confronted her, she said she was upset and wanted to get back together.

This has since happened about 3 times. I have tried reasoning over and over again. When I try talking to her about my feelings, I always try to acknowledge hers first, but it doesn’t matter, she gets angry and either leaves or pushes me away. I have even offered to go to therapy with her. When she gets mad she is very mean, and often it comes out of seemingly no where.


When things are good she tells me how much she loves me, wants to get married, have children……. And normally says “do you love me?” Out of the blue.

I don’t know what to do here…….

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the forums, thanks so much for sharing and I am so sorry for what you're going through.  You're right, it takes a lot to post the first time but it was a very good decision since others can understand what you're going through.

With BPD, there is an overwhelming fear of abandonment that can cause some serious turmoil in relationships.  In a nutshell, the BPD is so afraid of breaking up that they begin to lash out and cause turmoil in the relationship...which often leads to a break-up.  Or sometimes they'll leave so you can't leave them.  It doesn't make logical sense but that's the whole problem here- disordered thinking when highly emotional.

Of course, you don't have a diagnosis (yet) and that's more for the clinical aspect anyway.  Your goal to smooth out this relationship is to learn better communication techniques, how to validate her feelings and make her feel secure, and to get past these highs and lows.  The good news is that BPD or not, this site is invaluable in teaching you those techniques and it is helpful in all relationships. 

Please take a look in the Tools section at the top of this page or through this link- https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=post;topic=3059825.0;num_replies=0#

Again, welcome to the family and please ask as many questions as you can.  We're here to help!

[Newyork38]

Thank you. It makes sense. I’m not sure I can continue with this. It’s so overwhelming and she is so nasty when she is upset, I have a hard time forgetting the things she said.

[Notwendy]

Thank you. It makes sense. I’m not sure I can continue with this. It’s so overwhelming and she is so nasty when she is upset, I have a hard time forgetting the things she said.

You don't have to continue. The choice to remain in a relationship, or not, is up to you. We don't tell posters what to do- as each person has their own circumstances to decide on.

It's a more complicated decision when someone is married, if there are children. In a relatively shorter dating situation- one has not made a promise or obligation of that nature.

We can not control how someone else feels. You are not responsible for her feelings. However, you can look at your own feelings and assess is this relatioship is something you want or not.

Those of us on the board won't choose for you, but you can choose.