Trying to reconnect with a small gift

[scotch_tape387]

I dated a pwBPD for a month and didn't realize she was BPD until after it was over.

Since then I've realized my breakup text could have really hit her harder than I thought. At the same time, her 180 switch-up and coldness from nowhere hit me very hard, so in some ways, we'd be "even." If you know what I mean. Not to mention I am a respectful person so my simple de-escalation from "potential girlfriend" back to coworker was rooted in respect and trying to respect the boundaries her actions (ignoring me to my face out of nowhere for a week straight) had put into place.

Since then I've been blocked and there's been zero conversation about what happened. It's been about two months.
I had a 7 week silent treatment and now I at least get a "Hello" which can vary from mildly warm to veryyy cold and like I'm someone she wants to just go away.

I'm considering giving this girl a small gift (a keychain of the TV show we watched together, one she schooled me on all the trivia from for hours, before we broke up), as a way to "break the ice."

The only issue is I have no idea how she will interpret the gift. Basically I'm looking to connect with her again so we can at the very least discuss briefly what happened between us and I can apologize for hurting her feelings (obviously I must have) when I de-escalated back to coworkers. She made some decent points in her response (before she blocked me) basically citing the fact she has mental issues that I didn't take into consideration when I told her it wasn't working for me.

Anyone have any input?

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[Under The Bridge]

Hi, I think we can all relate to your situation - that first mood switch hits really hard after the usual wonderful initial phase, I still remember being totally surprised the first time I experienced it, when she walked in the bar to meet me.. and then just walked past me because she'd had a bad day at work.

A little gift seems a good idea as it will show her you're thinking about her and the fact she now says 'hello' would seem to indicate she's willing to have some contact now. Keep the gift small though - your keychain idea is a good one - because if the gift is too big / expensive she may feel pressured. It's just the way BPD people think.

As you've only been dating a month it's worth another try, now that you know of her condition. I never realised my ex had BPD until many years later and had I known then that she had a mental illness, I think I'd have persevered longer.

Good luck to you, keep us informed of how it goes.

[Pook075]

Anyone have any input?

A gift is a tough choice because whatever you decide to do, she's going to over-analyze it 100 different ways and change her mind about your intentions 50,000 times.  It could be an ice-breaker, or it could be a thought-out way to torture her by pointing out something she enjoyed is no longer an option.  That's disordered thinking at its finest.

Before doing anything, I would highly advise you to read through the "tools" section at the top of this page and work on communicating with a BPD person.  A lot of it is counter-intuitive, which is why we all get it wrong at first, and it takes some practice to be able to validate someone else's feelings when they're not mentally stable.

My advice would be to write her a letter, but wait until you're confident that you can do so without invalidating her feelings.  We could even help you with the letter here in round-robin style, with several of us adding our two cents from experience.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck!

[scotch_tape387]

I ended up giving a small gift with a note that validated the pwBPD's feelings-- it went over well. Strangely she's never communicated explicitly like "Thanks for what you said in the note" or "I love the gift" or anything, but the next day she 100% changed her behavior so that now I am treated normally. I'm still not really approached, though, just sort of treated like anyone else she doesn't outwardly detest/ignore-- which has been a vast improvement over the silent treatment so it's been nice.

I guess what I've noticed is she does not want genuine closeness from other people. She seems to crave relationships that are surface-level and where she has the other person invested in her, but not TOO invested to where they show outward interest in mirroring her behavior/energy. It's bizarre. I feel for anyone who's been in a relationship with someone like this. One day they're your best friend, the next day they hate you... for the smallest reason. Truly exhausting emotionally.

[Under The Bridge]

Glad that she responded so well.

From what you said I'd just let her continue at her own pace now - it's tricky to know (and always fatal to try and guess!) how much contact she wants; too little from you and she'll feel you don't care while too much can overwhelm her and make her retreat. Play it by ear, that's all you can do.

As you rightly say, BPD is certainly the most exhausting of all relationships, nobody can ever appreciate just how devastating it is unless they've actually experienced it.

Hope things continue to improve.