i have a close friend that dated a gal with bpd traits a long time ago.
they had rough sex, and afterward, she went around talking about bite marks, and let people draw conclusions. nothing came of it, especially in our close circle, but it was concerning.
there can be a tendency in people with bpd traits to seek validation and sympathy from others, to reinforce their narrative, as a means of bonding, etc. so, all of this tracks.
yeah, you cant really respond to "youre going around telling everyone you felt physically unsafe", without reinforcing that narrative. it helps, i suppose, that shes clarifying she wasnt abused when pressed. and it may not be a "lie" to her, insomuch as "feeling physically unsafe" is vague - who can argue with how she feels?
still, i can imagine how disconcerting it feels, all of it, really.
I do think, however, that I fit a profile of someone who she could use for financial and emotional support. All of her friends are significantly older than her, have established careers, resources, and are viewed as respected members of the community.
its not uncommon for someone unstable, moving somewhat nomadically from wreckage, leading with sympathy, to latch onto beneficial/supportive relationships. its generally not a malicious attempt to "use" (or scam) anyone, more like survival instinct, but it can certainly look a lot that way. lots of members have felt that way. if that was part of the introduction of your relationship, and/or your initial attraction to her, it would not be surprising. but people with bpd traits tend to idealize their newfound support, potentially even be subservient or dependent on them. they may change outwardly, to blend in. they tend to have little to no awareness of this, though they may be self conscious about it.
she is unable to keep a job for longer than 6 months and has shown no ability to support herself for the last 25 years. She needs people like me to provide for her when she runs up her debt or leaves a job or both. I think this is the way she "survives."
exactly.
I just don't want my daughter to be around any of this
she fits the profile of someone who is unlikely to escalate contact with your daughter if she received no response. she may have, on some level, viewed your daughter as someone to recruit/keep as part of her support system (alongside the letter being a way to reach you, reinforce her own narrative, alleviate guilt/shame). if she didnt get that response, it tells her shes barking up the wrong tree. people with bpd traits tend to avoid risking rejection, exposure, shame, etc. in that case, the best response is none, absolutely. you can always recalibrate if it does escalate. and if she feels that people arent buying what shes selling, she will likely move away from them, too.
did your wife respond to her, or do you know if she intends to have further contact?
