BPD rage

[Petra1115]

How to best handle BPD rage?

This morning my partner raged at me after he offered to take me home because he said I should have actually stayed at his apartment to make him breakfast (despite him offering to take me home bc I have a class this morning).

This kind of behavior gets old. It is hard to validate him in this situation because he was completely out of line, IMO. I just stayed quiet and let him rage in the car as he drove me home. I then turned the volume off my phone when I was home because I need space and time after this kind of incident. Thankfully, it doesn't scare me like it used to. I used to get really fearful in these moments. Now, since starting an antidepressant, I feel less fear.

It is these incidents though that make me apprehensive about moving forward in our relationship. We have been together for just over two years. He wants to move in together, to have a child, and move to a different country. I love all of these ideas. These incidents though cause me to pause and drag my feet. (I feel guilty about this, too, and know he senses that underneath things which may be why he is actually raging.)

My apartment is safe, quiet, and peaceful. Whenever things get out of hand, I have this precious space. It allows me to recharge and just be.

I don't know what I am needing right now. I have felt a bit stuck... not wanting to give up on our relationship, while also feeling tired of all of his outbursts. I will likely be flooded with texts today, which is energy draining as well.

I do feel a sense of self preservation. I don't know if this is a normal response but it gives me a sense of peace when things feel chaotic. I don't know what I am asking for here but does anyone else ever feel similarly?

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[Notwendy]

It seems you are looking at this from two possible actions. One is- do you listen to your internal "warning" system- the feeling of apprehension and self protectiveness, or do you assume there's a way to somehow turn it off or ignore it?

Or else- somehow fix the situation so it doesn't send your internal alarm bells off?

I think that you will find that there are posters here who saw the red flags in their relationship but chose to ignore them, hoping the situation will get better. Perhaps doing so because the "good part" of the person is so good. That may be true but this is a whole person, not just a part of one.

Yes, to get married and have babies together sounds wonderful. However, consider if you do want children, that this will be their father and how he manages his feelings applies to all relationships, not just with you.

What is the "rage"? From what I have observed - it's a way to manage uncomfortable feelings. PwBPD have difficulty managing their feelings. Projection, blame on something else, allows them to "get them out"- like when a child eats too much candy, gets a stomach ache, and throws up. Emotional throwing up of the too much feelings.

You may find that after a rage, your partner is calmer, and sweeter. He feels better, so he assumes you do too (but you've just been thrown up on- and it doesn't feel so good).

 You have noticed that you need to retreat to your private space to calm yourself, feel safe, recharge. That you feel hesitant to move forward with the relationship. That this relationship takes a lot of your energy.

On the other hand you don't feel ready to give it up.

Are you in counseling? I think it would help to work with someone who can help you sort out your feelings. A counselor is objective. I also think taking some time to yourself will help. When you are with him, he's the focus and it's hard to "hear" our own thinking when we are on alert and focused on someone else.

Whatever direction you go, take the time you need to think about it, trust your gut (feelings) and figure out what your "higher self" (feelings and thoughts) are telling you.

[EyesUp]

How to best handle BPD rage?

My apartment is safe, quiet, and peaceful. Whenever things get out of hand, I have this precious space. It allows me to recharge and just be.

I don't know what I am needing right now. I have felt a bit stuck... not wanting to give up on our relationship, while also feeling tired of all of his outbursts. I will likely be flooded with texts today, which is energy draining as well.

I do feel a sense of self preservation. I don't know if this is a normal response but it gives me a sense of peace when things feel chaotic. I don't know what I am asking for here but does anyone else ever feel similarly?

To your question:  Yes.

Many of us have felt a push/pull, an ambivalence...  It can go on for... years.  However, when you start to recognize when you feel "ok" - i.e., when you notice your own (positive) feelings vs. constant energy and attention given to a partner's often exaggerated feelings (positive or not) - that's a very healthy sign.

From a million internet miles away, what I'm hearing is:

You're better able to emotionally tolerate your partner's rages since you started taking some meds, however you remain unsettled by his behavior and unsure about committing to a plan you like (cohabitating, parenthood, relocation to someplace new) with someone whose behavior is cause for concern (rages).  Under these conditions, you take comfort in the ability to retreat to your own space. 

Does this sound about right?

Forgive me because I have not read your post history, but have you tried to discuss this with him (I know, I know... likely very triggering, asking for a fight)?   Said another way:  Do you think there's any way to achieve some understanding or durable shift in how he behaves?

We usually acknowledge that we can't change someone else's behavior - only our own.  Just wondering what you've tried at this point.

You might consider asking yourself:  Is the dream of cohabitation, etc., truly connected to your partner, or is it a more general aspiration?  If this relationship doesn't work out, what's to stop you from pursuing this with someone new?   Or, if you feel deeply connected to your partner, is his behavior something you can tolerate in a long term relationship?  If it can't or won't change, then what?

Hope this is helpful...

[Petra1115]

Thank you so much for your wise words EyesUp and NotWendy. I found much comfort in them. Interestingly, the approach I took after I felt calm yesterday was actually to send a message to him that acknowledged him and also shared that the raging seemed out of place given the context of the situation, and I assured him that I loved him and cared for him. That went over VERY well. He apologized for the raging and shared that he loved me back. It is not often that I get an apology, so that felt like progress. In the past this would have stirred up a lot more for both of us. I think we both behaved very codependently when we first met, and of course we still have that aspect in our relationship now, but I am trying to be healthier in all of the ways. I am trying to bring more of myself into the relationship as I feel like some of that was lost in the unhealthy way in which our relationship began. To set boundaries later after negative patterns have set in is not without its challenges, but my getting on an antidepressant and him quitting cannabis gave us a healthier baseline, and has had me taking up more space in the relationship. I am hopeful and cautious. He is untreated and doesn't want treatment. He meditates daily and wants to focus on that.