Just when you think it's getting better...

[olafinski]

Hi,
52 yo, 17 years with my uBPD wife (50). Step-son 25, our son 14.
We are in a good phase and focus is on our little one who is about to enrol into a high-school.
As my wife is a really good and caring mother, and manages to control her erratic behaviour quite well when it is about our son, this focus on him created the illussion that she is OK.
But... Yesterday it was a "perfect day". We were quite relaxed in front of our TV. Our son came wanting to play a history quiz with us (really unexpected for a 14 yo kid!). He wanted both of us to play on the WWII topic (his favorite). We started and he was really happy, showing of his knowledge. My wife was half interested as history is not her strong side.
So we step on a bomb. My wife totally failed with an answer and my son started to make fun of her, in a really funny and innocent way, and I joined, also totally benign.
But she felt offended and said that we are ganging against her. We thought she was joking but she was really hurt, not a lot, but hurt. So she stopped playing. We continued.
Then our big one came to make him some pop-corn. After he left, our little one, triggered by the smell, also prepared some pop-corn for himself. Knowing that the portion size is quite big, I told him that I would also like some.
We continued playing.
And then a nuclear strike.
"Why didn'y anyone offer some to me?"
"But mum, you never eat popcorn? Last 10 times when I asked you said no"
"Yes, but that doesn't mean it's OK not to ask me!"
I added, "He was making it for himself, and I asked him to give some to me, you were silent?"
"You are a gang, pushing me out. All the time it's just the two of you. Why didn't you ever ask me if I wanted to take eiscream with you when you walk to the center?"
"But mum, we always go while you still work? How could we call you to join?"
I add, "And we always hurry so that we are home when you come".
"But why don't you wait until I come from work so that all of us can go together?"
I said, "Well, you never want to walk to center, you say it's too far. And also, when we go, it's about him, about what he wants to do, and when we go all together to center, you always normally want to go to some shops and do some stuff that you like, which is not what our son likes to do".
"Yes, but we could go by car?!"
"Well, the whole point is to walk, he likes this, you know what I mean".
"You are doing it since he was born, making me feel like a bad mother, pushing me out of your gang".

While SHE is the one that never wanted to play with him. Cause she works in a kindergarten (special education teacher) and hates playing with kids. She can teach them, take care of them in many ways, but playing is really hard for her. I know that and understand, it's the same with a lot of mothers. Fathers are mostly the one that play, especially with male children.

I told her,
"This is really selfish of you. We had a perfect time, playing really good games, educational, enjoying in family being together, maybe the last events like this before he is totally hit by puberty. And you break it down, because of pop-corn? And some crazy conspiracy ideas? Really not cool."
Our son added, "Yes, I really don't understand what happened. Are you having a PMS? Why are you doing this?"

My wife became all fury, took her things and banged the bedroom door.
That was yesterday. She still doesn't want to talk to me, ignores me totally.

I just texted "Damn that pop-cron and conspiracy theories after 17 years" followed by an exploding head emoji.

Now I am waiting again for her "divorce papers". 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Notwendy]

I had a similar experience.

One aspect of BPD is emotional immaturity and difficulty managing emotions. Your 14 year old son is still a child but his level of emotional maturity is growing.

I also had some similar academic interests with my father- that my BPD mother was not as good at. By about your son's age we could have more adult like discussions about them.

One day I was telling Dad about something we were learning in school- and he was being attentive. BPD mother, began to act up, diverting the attention to her. I remember that because even at that age, it seemed she was acting childish to me.

Here is a possible situation that happened. You and your son were bonding over the history game. His mother feeling insecure already - saw that her 14 year old son was better at this than she is- and also had your attention, starts to feel left out.

Then, she gets made fun of- which adds salt to the wounded feelings. At this point, it's hurt feelings looking to project on the next possible "hurtful" thing- which happened to be the popcorn (but if it wasn't the popcorn, it would be something else).

The popcorn seemed trivial to everyone except for her. You and your son approached this with logic "it's just popcorn".

But with her feelings projected it was not just popcorn to her. To her she possibly felt invalidated.

Then, to add to this- you directly confronted her with her immaturity. Yes, if it was about the popcorn, but it was not about the popcorn to her at this point. This was adding to her feelings of being invalidated and she probably even felt shame at this point.

You had no idea and neither did your son. Neither should he. He isn't responsible for her feelings and should not be made to feel that way. Regardless of his apparent maturity, he is still a kid. Please let him be a kid and have his childhood.

For you, seeing the possible dynamics may help you to de-escalate these situations. As your son matures, so will your relationship with him and this itself may lead to situations like this, so you can handle them. But please remain available to your son and enjoy your shared interests together. These are good bonds you are forming together.

[Pook075]

I agree with Wendy, as I read the story, there were several "ouch" moments for me where you didn't realize that you were feeding into her paranoia.

For example, you said, "He was making it for himself, and I asked him to give some to me, you were silent?"

She heard, "This is your fault."

You said, "And we always hurry so that we are home when you come".

She heard, "You always ruin time with my son."

You said, "This is really selfish of you. We had a perfect time, playing really good games...And some crazy conspiracy ideas? Really not cool."

She heard, "You're crazy and really selfish, always ruining things for us. Things are perfect when you're not involved!"

As Wendy said, it was unintentional because you couldn't possibly know that innocent phrases were cutting like a knife.  But when she's dysregulated, that's exactly what happens.  Small accusations drive her fear of abandonment, and since you and your son were laughing about it, she felt like you were making fun of her on top of it.

Communicating with a BPD partner is counter-intuitive at times, and the "tools" section at the top of the page gives some great courses on learning to validate with love and compassion.  Please take a look and let us know if you have any questions.

For the popcorn part when she complained that she wasn't included (when you guys know she never eats popcorn), that should have been a warning that a dysregulation was starting over the game comments.  From there you could have apologized and offered popcorn, and told your son to always include mom no matter how many times she says no.  That probably would have been enough to avoid the rest of the conversation...just that one line of validation.

Again, it's counter-intuitive and not entirely your fault.  Something to keep in mind though to avoid escalating these moments.

[olafinski]

Hi,
thanks for your insightful answers!
I just need to add that I am very aware of what I should have done better, cause I am aware of my wife’s uBPD for some 7 years now. I have read all the recommended books and advices.
The problem is that, silly me, I actually thought that she is better and dropped my guard, relaxed and behaved normally.
So the question is a bit different: are there experiences of uBPD getting better to the extent that you can relax a bit?
Or is it all the same, and even if there is a really good period, you should never relax and act normally?

[olafinski]

And I forgot to add that it all resolved later in the evening, as if nothing happened.

[K Kup]

I get what Wendy said about how your wife interpreted the situation but damn. Isn’t it exhausting to have to dance around those insecurities over and over?  I can’t help but think about how experiences like this are piling up and creating damage to you and your son. Granted, I just left my BPD relationship and maybe my own emerging pushback is coloring my thinking. If you feel like you need to stay and manage it, I get it. I did it myself for 10 years. I’m just peeling back the veil on my own experience and it’s not really fair for me to judge what you think is best for your family. It just seems so unjust that you should both have to deal with that. I just feel for you and it’s awful.

[RevScot]

I'm curious about your thought that uBPD will diminish, especially since it sounds like you have done your homework surrounding BPD.  I don't know that I have ever heard of or read a testimony of any kind of positive change in BPD without significant work and therapy. 
On the other hand I think many of us partners have been lulled into a false sense of normality when our person with BPD seems regulated for any stretch of time.  I faced a similar situation this morning.  After several days of fairly normal behaviour my uBPDw became extremely agitated then began taking it out on everyone around her.
It's been helpful for me to understand the BPD dragon is always there, sometimes dormant but always there.  That way when the traits start to flare I'm hopefully not taken off guard and responding with passive aggression.  Regardless of how right I feel, responding with what feels to me like logic, I never win those exchanges. 
I hear your pain and frustration, and I empathise with you. 

[Pook075]

So the question is a bit different: are there experiences of uBPD getting better to the extent that you can relax a bit?

Every person is different regardless if we're talking mental illness or not.  But we can figure this out with a very simple question- is there anyone in your wife's life where they have a normal relationship?

If the answer is 'yes', then it's possible for you to have that as well.  If the answer is 'no', then it's still possible but it will take extensive work to get there.

If you want her to "relax more often", then create an environment where she trusts you implicitly.  This all comes down to trust and comfort levels.  When she's venting at you, and you vent back, then she doesn't understand why you can't understand her.  So she withdraws, or lashes out more, or both.

When she's upset and you validate HER FEELINGS, then it's drawing her closer and ending any reason to start an argument.  It's also helping her regulate her emotions in a healthy way, so trust is built and the next occurrence isn't as nuclear.  Continue to validate, continue to grow closer, and the outbursts are minimized because your wife knows you're not trying to harm her.

Make sense?

What I'm saying here is that maybe she was "better" for a time.  That's a relative word though since feelings are always changing with a BPD person.  You still need to show love through emotional validation- when she's angry, comfort her.  When she's sad, comfort her.  That's when you have to lean in....without arguing or defending.

From your original story of the "perfect day", I've done that far too many times to count.  Things are going well, the kid bullies her mom, and I'm dumb enough to laugh...strike 1.  Mom fires back, the kid is laughing the entire time...strike 2...and I didn't even do anything to earn that one.  Then mom storms off, completely dysregulated and dreaming of me demise when one simple thing lights the spark that starts the war.

I can name 100x easily I had the exact same experience, and each time it all came down to me not realizing my wife's feelings were hurt and validating it in real time.  If I apologized instantly and gave her a hug, maybe we avoided 90 of those 100 blowouts.  But I didn't catch it in time and i was entertaining the kid at mom's expense...which is 100% on me.

Unfortunately, my daughter is just like me with the same sense of humor, it still drives my ex-wife up a wall.  We laugh so darn hard weekly at her picking on her mom, but at least I'm not in the room anymore to take the brunt of her anger anymore.

Don't be like me, learn to emotionally validate in the moment and so much of that stuff can be avoided entirely.

[cynp]

I agree with the poster who said that BPD is like a sleeping dragon. I had the experience recently. Had several good, normal, pleasant days with my spouse. Then something mildly frustrating happened that was out of both of our control--and they went full nuclear. I just had to hold on tight for the tornado. Namecalling, the whole 9 yards. The next day it was like nothing had happened at all. This has been my experience of it for the entirety of our relationship.