uBPD fiance - Is there a path forward

[Madhouse]

After 7 tumultuous years I finally realized that my fiance has unconventional BPD.  I started going back to my individual therapist in January (triggering event described below) and after our last session he asked whether she had ever been diagnosed with BPD.  I didn't even know what BPD was.  She has never been to individual therapy -- we went to couples counseling for 2 years with 2 different therapists but she refused to continue going -- so she has no such diagnosis.  I've spent the last 10 days reading everything I can about BPD and then came across Kreger's Stop Walking on Eggshells for Partners.  Simply put, the descriptions about unconventional BPD were like the biography of my relationship with her.  I actually broke down while reading it -- everything finally made sense.  The DARVOing, the accusations, the refusal to accept responsibility, the paranoia, the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse and now the physical abuse.

On New Years Eve we went to a large party at a friend's house.  We were in a group of her friends talking with everyone - people she's known for years (all couples) - and everything was (I thought) normal.  One of the other guys and I went downstairs to raid the host's bourbon collection and when I came back upstairs about 45 minutes later, she was half drunk and accused me of sneaking off and PLEASE READing one of HER friends in a closet.  Insane.  Right after midnight I called an Uber and we left.  On the ride home she said I was lying about being downstairs at the party, started in with the verbal abuse and then started punching me in the face.  The Uber driver threatened to kick her out.  When we got home I went into the spare bedroom, locked the door and tried going to sleep.  When she is in rage mode the only thing that calms her down is time -- usually 4 to 5 days.  So I just decided to go to sleep. 

15 minutes later she kicked the door in, threw a piece of it at my head, and kept coming at me.  I called 911 and she was arrested.  I've never had to call the cops before on anyone or anything in my life (I'm 49). 

I've been locked out of the master bedroom for the last 7 weeks and she will not substantively speak to me, except to blame me for her arrest and verbally abuse me.  I've asked if she wants to end the relationship - she will not say one way or the other.  "I have no answers for you."  She's intentionally leaving me in limbo.  But she did tell me that calling the cops was a betrayal and that the thought of ever touching me again makes her nauseous.  Perhaps she wants me to be the one to end it, even though she wants it to end?

Anyway, the last 7 weeks of limbo/anger/mantra of "you got me arrested" are more severe than anything in the past.  I'm wondering if its because she cannot DARVO her way out of responsibility with the district attorney and she's spinning in uncharted territory. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Madhouse and welcome to the group -- we're glad you found us and are ready to get some support right now. Things do sound tumultuous, like you said, so getting some feedback and getting space to reflect will be helpful as you decide your path forward.

Just a few questions to help me understand things better:

I didn't see you mention kids, do you two have any?

Are you still seeing your therapist?

What was the timeline between her being arrested, and her returning to the home? Was it the same night? Was it by mutual agreement?

Are there still charges pending on her (I saw you mentioned the DA is involved)?

...

There are a lot of moving parts for you two right now, not only the legal side, but the emotional and relational side, too.

If BPD is in play, then when she says this:

I've asked if she wants to end the relationship - she will not say one way or the other.  "I have no answers for you."

she may actually, weirdly, be telling it to you straight. BPD is a significant, serious, and impairing mental illness, and it most often shows up relationally (in behavior between the pwBPD and others). pwBPD often also have a weak or absent sense of self (of "me" who is an individual entity that can think, feel, do, experience cause & effect, etc). And, pwBPD typically have poor or few healthy coping skills to deal with times of high stress. So, it makes a lot of sense to me that a person who struggles to feel like a real individual, who is under stress (even though brought on by herself), and who doesn't really have healthy tools or skills, would respond with "I have no answers for you"...

I think she really doesn't.

The good news is that you're here, and we can work with you to get clarity on your own thoughts and feelings. You get to chart a path forward without having to wait for her to gift you the clarity or closure that you want -- she probably can't do that, but fortunately, you get to act in line with your own desires and values, anyway.

A path forward could look a lot of ways. People return to, and want to stay in, BPD relationships, for any number of reasons, and we support them here without judgment. If you're thinking of wanting to improve the relationship and remain in it, we'll be here for you. You may also find, after reflecting on your values and needs, that you may need to separate. That's also valid; no judgment there, either.

The most important thing is for you to get in touch with yourself. What do you think? How do you feel? What do you want?

I think you'll find a lot more clarity there than with anyone else.

Fill us in some more, when you get a chance. And again,

kells76

[Pook075]

I just wanted to echo Kells 'welcome' and say that I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You asked in your title- is there a path forward?  The answer is yes, there are many paths forward and you get to decide which one is best for you.  Her mental stability is fractured right now so she won't be the one to lead; this is going to be up to you.

The good news is that we can help you better understand BPD and validation in BPD relationships, to minimize the bad moments and help you guys focus on the good.  Again, that's a choice you'll have to make though and we'll support you either way.

[Madhouse]

Hi Kells, and thanks for the response.  I’ll jump right into answering your questions.

We do not have kids together, but kids are involved.  She has a 12 year old daughter from her last marriage (she has been married twice before), and I have 2 teenage sons from my marriage.  Her daughter is at the house 50% of the time, and my sons who live about 75 minutes away are at the house about 20% of the time (weekends) and I travel up to them 1-2 times per week.  

Yes, I am still seeing my therapist about once a week - his schedule is tight.  More like once every 8 or 9 days.  I’ve only recently become a regular since all this went down on January 1.  

Timeline of her arrest:  She was arrested at 1:45am (2 years ago I started taking video to protect myself so know the exact time) on New Years Day (in other words, very late New Years Eve after the party I described) and returned to the house around 10:30am New Years Day.  There was no mutual agreement about her return, but it wasn’t legally needed.  I sold my house and moved into her house after I proposed to her because the housing market sucks and we decided that her house - with improvements - was the best option.  We then spent three months in a construction site improving her house to meet everyone’s needs to the tune of $250,000+.  I paid for 2/3 of it - a figure we agreed on because I make a bit more than she does.  And I pay for 2/3 of all going-forward expenses - mortgage, bills, etc.  But it is still “her house” — a fact she used to justify breaking down the door and throwing its pieces at me. “I’m showing you what happens when you close and lock a door in MY house.”

Yes, there are still charges pending against her.  So . . . I’m a lawyer and have contacts in the DA’s office.  I asked the DA to drop the charges - I told her about that request -  they initially agreed to drop the charges but then reversed course.  I don’t know why…guess I don’t have any real pull.   It might be that I had a scratches on my face when the cops showed up.  Or that the Uber driver gave them the video of her hitting me.  But not sure.  Her next court date is April 22, which she threw in my face 2 nights ago when I asked “Are you okay.”  It was “You got me arrested you piece of PLEASE READ.”

The end of your message has me reeling.  I don’t know what I want, mostly because I haven’t meaningfully talked to her in almost 2 months.  I hold on to the great times.  We’ve travelled the world together - literally, all over the world.

I have always been one to focus on the positive and to want to try to build from the positive experience.  But all I get from her is dwelling on the negative.  Her holding on to a perceived slight from years ago that I honestly don’t even remember.

As for what I want or need . . . Right now, I honestly just want to be in a place where I can sleep through the night without waking up at 2am and spending the next restless 6 hours wondering if i can fake my way through the upcoming responsibilities of my job only to spend the rest of the day alternating between distracted despair and doing just enough not to get fired.