I've come to terms knowing that I fell in Love with some girl who never existed...
she existed.
one of the reasons youre hurting is because she, and the relationship, werent what you hoped they would be. and the reality of that, and the loss of it, hurts.
healthy coping mechanisms
your narrative of how this relationship played out, and what it means, is likely to change and evolve over time. keep that in mind as you heal.
one of the lessons that my own relationships have taught me, repeatedly, is the risk of pursuing someone who hasnt resolved (grieved and moved on from) a previous romantic relationship. i am not a big fan of "learning to spot red flags" as an approach to healthy dating, but there are innumerable reasons why its a recipe for heartache.
someone in that position doesnt usually
mean any harm, but they can, and often do, cause a great deal of it.
they may be using a new relationship to heal from the last. that can facilitate a powerful bond and attraction initially, for both parties.
There I was on the evening she broke up, calling me crying and of course I consoled her for hours on the phone like any normal person who has feelings.
but after that initial honeymoon phase, when the relationship starts to stand on its own, it tends to crumble.
moreover, a person who hasnt fully grieved a previous relationship is emotionally unavailable - that is to say, generally too involved in their own feelings to have room for the feelings of others. thats not necessarily wrong in and of itself, we all have periods like that in our lives, but it can mean that they arent good "dating material".
i think that it would be a mistake to look at how this transpired in a one sided way, one where your intentions and motivations were wholly pure, and that hers were all lies and fake. you wont learn very much from that, and its not why youre hurting.
and let me be clear: you have enough to know that she was/is a deeply immature person, who did very hurtful, and very selfish things. your anger at that is valid. she conducted herself with poor character, and youre right: thats on her.
but if you want to heal, and learn the lessons to take into future relationships, you cant stop there. you, i, we all, tend to have to face some of the more emotionally difficult aspects, about us, if we want to learn from them, and, rather than repeat mistakes, go on to healthier and more satisfying relationships.
you pursued her, went on dates with her, and then made out with her, knowing that she was in a relationship. you justified it, as people are prone to do, because you believed her relationship was on the verge of breaking up. you were there to console her and court her when it did.
as i touched on, that sort of dynamic can make for a powerful draw, for someone in your position. it probably felt good to know that in some way, you were saving her from this bad relationship. it was probably deeply validating that she chose you. and im assuming that she said lots of things that showed gratitude, and made you feel special.
the loss of that is why youre hurting.
because her returning to the previous relationship has shattered the illusion of that initial bond that you both built together.
that bond was real, by the way, it was just not built to last.
and so, yes, i think its important to look at this relationship with eyes wide open. she was dishonest. she acted in poor, and selfish character. all good things to remind yourself of, and all good reasons not to be in a relationship with her. dont lose sight of that.
but neither do i think that it will help to devalue her or the relationship. the relationship had "not built to last" written all over it. you tried to hold onto and control the outcome in spite of that, and despite all evidence, because you were deeply invested, and believe me when i tell you i know how much it hurts when that doesnt pan out the way weve hoped, and invested in.
the lessons you take into future relationships wont come from her, or from learning about bpd, but about yourself and your own tendencies in relationships of all kinds. unfortunately, that tends to involve a lot of trial and error, a lot of failure (every relationship any of us will ever be in will fail except the very last), and a lot of heartache.
fortunately, though, not only can we heal completely, we can learn, we can grow stronger, more resilient, more loving, and more successful in love, if we dig for it.
