any one else just shut down?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Anybody else, just shut down?

I’ve been with my wife around 14 years, married 12, we have to kids. Her uBPD really only became apparent about a month after our first was born (9 years ago). Before that there where signs but she tried hard to disguise them and in hindsight, she showed a lot more signs earlier that I now realize where telltale. In fact, when I asked her mother for permission to marry, her mother tried to talk me out of it; “you don’t really know her yet and you have no idea how hard she can be to live with.” The two people my wife splits on are her mom and me.

I’ve been through years of ups and downs, with the down periods becoming more frequent and longer, more intense too. I’ve really suffered (like all of you) a shocking amount of abuse and constantly being in fight or flight mode of the years that I’m pretty sure I am biochemically out of whack. The last couple of years its gotten much worse, I think I’ve entered the discard phase. The “good” periods are only a day or two at a time, with the “bad” periods becoming the norm. Most of our communication is either non-verbal or her yelling at, lecturing, or attacking me. My kids notice it. When she is speaking to me, I feel so much on the defensive and vulnerable that there’s nothing I can really say – this obviously makes things worse.

Back to the original question – anyone else find themselves shutting down? I don’t get made or overly anxious like I used to but I become paralyzed, unable to say anything or think anything clearly enough to be able to communicate my thoughts and feelings. Its going to be wrong anyways. (validation and compassion techniques are useless at this point, she’s identified it and accuses me of manipulating her) This spills over, however, to more than just sitting there letting her scold/lecture/attack me; its happening all the time. When I’m alone, I find myself just sitting there unable to do anything. At social gathering, I’m there but have a hard time being involved in conversation. Same for work functions (which hurts my ability to do my job, I’m in sales). I just don’t have anything to say.

FWIW, I regularly see a therapist (that specialized in BPD, hoping my wife might follow) and started taking antidepressant some months ago (to try to counter the numbness).

I desperately want out but I don’t think it is possible. Multiple times throughout the week I have to shield the kids and I don’t want to leave them with her a week at a time. Besides, I think that she would absolutely make separation a living hell and things would only get worse, especially considering the kids. I grew up in a split family and it stunk and I don’t want my kids to go through that. And I can’t fathom the idea of being without them 50% of the time. The other thing holding me back, I made a promise to her when we got married and that’s important to me. She’s sick and I committed to being with her regardless. A part of me still loves her, no idea why at this point.

An angel, in the form of an uber driver, last night told me to work on the love within myself and the share that love outward with everyone around you, quite unprovoked. But I’m stuck, I physically feel like a weight inside of me is pulling me down.

I’m shut down.

[GratefulDad]

Anybody else, just shut down?

I’ve been with my wife around 14 years, married 12, we have to kids. Her uBPD really only became apparent about a month after our first was born (9 years ago). Before that there where signs but she tried hard to disguise them and in hindsight, she showed a lot more signs earlier that I now realize where telltale. In fact, when I asked her mother for permission to marry, her mother tried to talk me out of it; “you don’t really know her yet and you have no idea how hard she can be to live with.” The two people my wife splits on are her mom and me.

I’ve been through years of ups and downs, with the down periods becoming more frequent and longer, more intense too. I’ve really suffered (like all of you) a shocking amount of abuse and constantly being in fight or flight mode of the years that I’m pretty sure I am biochemically out of whack. The last couple of years its gotten much worse, I think I’ve entered the discard phase. The “good” periods are only a day or two at a time, with the “bad” periods becoming the norm. Most of our communication is either non-verbal or her yelling at, lecturing, or attacking me. My kids notice it. When she is speaking to me, I feel so much on the defensive and vulnerable that there’s nothing I can really say – this obviously makes things worse.

Back to the original question – anyone else find themselves shutting down? I don’t get made or overly anxious like I used to but I become paralyzed, unable to say anything or think anything clearly enough to be able to communicate my thoughts and feelings. Its going to be wrong anyways. (validation and compassion techniques are useless at this point, she’s identified it and accuses me of manipulating her) This spills over, however, to more than just sitting there letting her scold/lecture/attack me; its happening all the time. When I’m alone, I find myself just sitting there unable to do anything. At social gathering, I’m there but have a hard time being involved in conversation. Same for work functions (which hurts my ability to do my job, I’m in sales). I just don’t have anything to say.

FWIW, I regularly see a therapist (that specialized in BPD, hoping my wife might follow) and started taking antidepressant some months ago (to try to counter the numbness).

I desperately want out but I don’t think it is possible. Multiple times throughout the week I have to shield the kids and I don’t want to leave them with her a week at a time. Besides, I think that she would absolutely make separation a living hell and things would only get worse, especially considering the kids. I grew up in a split family and it stunk and I don’t want my kids to go through that. And I can’t fathom the idea of being without them 50% of the time. The other thing holding me back, I made a promise to her when we got married and that’s important to me. She’s sick and I committed to being with her regardless. A part of me still loves her, no idea why at this point.

An angel, in the form of an uber driver, last night told me to work on the love within myself and the share that love outward with everyone around you, quite unprovoked. But I’m stuck, I physically feel like a weight inside of me is pulling me down.

I’m shut down.

[HurtAndTired]

Hi GratefulDad,

I have been there. Man, oh man have I been there. I totally get what you are saying about being beyond the point of validation and compassion. It has been 13 years for me and my dBPDw and it has moved into "survival mode" rather than, "how can we stop fighting so much, make arguments more effective." My marriage was full-blown abusive 19 months ago, and I don't use that term lightly. I mean full-on domestic violence with the police being called and the whole nine yards. The way she verbally and emotionally abused me has likewise been horrific, and makes me feel sick that our S3 has witnessed it. What saved me was boundaries, not validation. When your house is on fire, you have to put the fire out before you can think about renovating. My marriage was on fire and I had to put it out (boundaries) before I could even think about renovating it (validation/compassion, etc.).

The boundaries have stopped me from being in constant fight or flight mode. They have given me control back in my life. I no longer fear my wife, and there are consequences for her when she behaves badly (physical abuse = a call to the police, divorce threats = me saying "contact a lawyer if you want a divorce and let our attorneys talk, but I will not talk with you about this," suicide threat = a call to 988, verbal abuse = I exit the conversation/room/house with our son).

The boundaries have not saved my marriage, but they have saved me physically and have saved my sanity. They have given me the ability to get out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) that my wife was using to blind and control me. Now that I can see clearly, I see that I have done all I can do to save the marriage. Any further improvement would have to come from the 50% of the relationship she controls. Unfortunately, there is virtually no chance of that happening as she won't even admit that she is mentally ill, let alone seek help.

I would advise you to read the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad. Read it. Re-read it. Read it again. Make it your new "life manual" and follow the advice it gives to a T. It changed my life and freed me from being frozen like you are. Once you are unstuck, you will be in a place where you can evaluate the condition of your marriage with a clear head and chart a course forward from there depending on what you see.

All the best,

HurtAndTired

[DogLoverMom]

Hurt and Tired,

I'm glad that you were able to get some boundaries set and that they are working for your physical and mental health. I have now listened to the audiobook of Stop Caretaking the Borderline 3 times in the last 5 months. I have set similar boundaries about divorce threat and suicide threats which have been effective. While my husband isn't necessarily physically abusive, he uses his body to block me from leaving the house. One time I did call the police, he started yelling over me that I had physically assaulted him. Right after, he decided he should leave so he wasn't there when the police got there. Unfortunately, he does this when I try to leave and even if he does let me leave, he does not let me bring either of our sons (9 and 12) with me.

He stopped going to our couples counseling 2 months ago and decreased how often he sees his therapist to every other week (who according to him doesn't think he needs inpatient or daily outpatient therapy).

After another yelling match with him grabbing me, telling me I couldn't leave through the exit I wanted to leave through, then standing in the way of me leaving in my car until I threatened calling the police again, I am at the point that I believe our marriage is no longer salvageable.




Greatful Dad,

I never made it to the point that I would shutdown not around my uBPDh, but 100% would do that around him, especially when he was raging or being verbally abusive. I think that reading Stop Caretaking the Borderline helped me come out of that to protect myself and my kids some.
It sounds like you are doing what you can, seeing a therapist, and getting support from the amazing community here.

[FindingMyGut]

Hi GratefulDad,

I’m really sorry to read of your situation.

Anybody else, just shut down?

I am shut down in my marriage and planning my exit (more on that later). I’m also past the point of support/understanding and I feel your pain;  20 years of marriage and 11 of heavy manipulation and emotional abuse. I agree with HurtAndTired, boundaries are key. It seems you have lost your sense of self worth. That internal feeling that you are worthy of taking up space, being heard, being loved and appreciated. Boundaries might be a great first step to protecting your power/energy. I also really benefitted from reading “who’s pulling your strings” by Harriet breiker. If you have a local library with audio or ebooks it may help to keep your reading private.

Thankfully, I am not shut down socially and use my friend and family connections to “refuel”. Have you tried confiding in anyone close? This has helped me keep my sanity between therapy visits.

Other things that have helped me are walks outside, taking time for myself. Writing what’s happening. I’m not even writing my feelings, but the more I write things dow - even just recounting disagreements, the less crazy I feel. The words on the page seem to objectify the situation and diffuse my attachment to the interactions. The ultimate “it is what it is” / release.

I do find work more difficult to focus on, but I’ve been trying to approach it with an “attitude of gratitude”, mostly because it is time away from my uBPDh’s devaluing.

Lastly, consider going beyond talk therapy. I have engaged in EMDR and Root Cause Therapy to work on my own issues and it has been transformative in rebuilding my self confidence. It was hard for me to accept I lacked self confidence, as I always felt I knew my worth, but the reality was I was traumatized by the devaluing and eventually didn’t believe in myself enough to think I deserved love/respectful treatment. These methods healed some core wounds and helped me see the light (my own!)

I desperately want out but I don’t think it is possible. Multiple times throughout the week I have to shield the kids and I don’t want to leave them with her a week at a time. Besides, I think that she would absolutely make separation a living hell and things would only get worse, especially considering the kids. I grew up in a split family and it stunk and I don’t want my kids to go through that. And I can’t fathom the idea of being without them 50% of the time. The other thing holding me back, I made a promise to her when we got married and that’s important to me. She’s sick and I committed to being with her regardless. A part of me still loves her, no idea why at this point.

I commend your commitment to your children and their safety. And your commitment to your wife through sickness. I grew up in a home fraught with physical and emotional abuse between my parents, who stayed together for our sake. I will only say that that experience was also extremely damaging. I received no true example of how to be in a healthy romantic relationship, which I believe left me vulnerable to repeating those patterns in my own life. The guilt of my commitment kept me in a cycle of abuse for 10 years. I was a shell of myself. And my therapist told me that when you suppress the negative emotions, you’re also suppressing the positive. And I think you are in the depths of that … unable to feel happiness. I found that this impacted my ability to genuinely connect with and enjoy my kids.through healing (techniques mentioned above) I’ve decided I want more for myself and them. I also am convinced that I cannot make my uBPDh better. In fact, my presence just aggravates him. I saw on instagram someone with BPD share that they are most calm when they are not in relationship. I now hold hope that once he is detached from our toxic cycles, he will be more at peace and it might also have a positive effect on our kids. I now look at leaving him as the truest act of compassion. I am giving him back his power to heal himself instead of essentially taking it from him, thinking I can process it and fix it. Again, I mean no disrespect to your decision to stay - you really know best. But I do sense that if you were to value yourself in a healthy way, you might challenge some of your constraints.

I hope you can find a way to start back up. You have endured so much, and you deserve to feel peace and happiness.