Someone called CPS

[Gerda]

Well this was unexpected. This afternoon while I was at work I got a call from CPS, about concerns someone reported about D5.

I had to wait until I got off work to call them back, so of course the whole time I was wondering what this was all about (was it her preschool teacher? was it my stbxH? what accusations did they make? etc.)

When I finally got a chance to call them back, the lady said that someone called reporting physical abuse, but I am not the perpetrator (phew). They are accusing a friend of mine who has been babysitting D5 from time to time since I left my stbxH. The caseworker mentioned some bruises on D5's shins.

Someone from CPS is going to come pay me a visit Monday morning.

Of course they couldn't say who made the call, but I'm pretty sure it was my stbxH. I've been afraid of him accusing me of child abuse (he did threaten to do so if I divorce him), but I did not expect him to accuse my friend.

I don't know if I've mentioned it here before, but he absolutely HATES this friend of mine. They had a falling out all the way back when he was on paternity leave when our daughter was a baby, and he forbade me from allowing her around D ever again, but since I moved out, my friend has been back in my life and D's life.

I guess it shouldn't really surprise me, now that I think of it. Back when they first had their falling out, he ranted that he thought my friend was sociopath and it was unsafe allowing her to be alone with our baby.

I've also named my friend as a possible witness in my child custody case. My friend has pages and pages of unhinged text messages from stbxH from the time of that falling out which she kept all these years. I turned them in to my lawyer for discovery.

Maybe he's trying to discredit her somehow? Some sort of "no you're the crazy abusive one not me" kind of thing? I'm a little relieved that I'm not being accused of abuse, but still. I'm being accused of allowing someone else to abuse D5.

I don't believe for a second that my friend actually bruised my daughter's legs. Kids bruise their shins all the time. My friend hasn't even been around my kid unsupervised in several weeks. The only thing I'm worried about is that the CPS lady said that D5 said that my friend did it. I bet that stbxH coached her into saying that (little kids can be very suggestible). The caseworker even said that she had already paid D a visit this morning (I guess she went to her preschool?) and saw the bruises, and said that these bruises could be from D playing, but she has to do an investigation anyway.

Any advice on how I should handle this? Besides telling the lady from CPS that she can come over Monday morning for a home inspection, I messaged my lawyer to let her know what was going on. The lady from CPS said she would have to interview my friend too, so I just texted her to let her know.

I'm just calming down from the panic I felt when I first heard that voicemail from CPS, so I'm trying to think this through.

Tomorrow I have divorce mediation. I also wonder if it's not a coincidence that he made this accusation this week in particular, with that stressful event coming up.

[ForeverDad]

Tomorrow I have divorce mediation. I also wonder if it's not a coincidence that he made this accusation this week in particular, with that stressful event coming up.

No coincidence.  I always was more alert to issues just before a hearing.  It's a nasty move on ex's part, but not that unexpected.

Your ex is trying to make you (and your trusted support group) appear worse than him.

I too faced a very similar situation when my son was that age.  It also involved otherwise normal bruises on shins.  It was a bump in the road but eventually was resolved.

Same with my ex.  She tried and tried and tried to get son to parrot her allegations during ages 3.5 to 6.5.  Never worked... .  until he was 6.6 when she had raged at pediatrician's staff, they withdrew their services and she had to find a way to make me look worse than her.  She took him to the children's hospital and prepped him enough to get him to say I had become enraged and beat him on his shins.  (It was a bruise he later showed me and said he got playing on the monkey bars when with his mother.)  The hospital nurse said he had typical active boy bumps and bruises but because he parroted mommy it was referred to CPS.  An interview at school and an interview with me ended that one.  That's when I bought him the Clifford the Big Red Dog book "T-Bone Tells the Truth".  Six years old and he didn't know he lied.  He didn't even know the difference between the truth and anything else.  That's how much the constant parental conflict held him back from age-appropriate progress.

[kells76]

Unless your L says otherwise, you could consider sharing this with CPS:

I've also named my friend as a possible witness in my child custody case. My friend has pages and pages of unhinged text messages from stbxH from the time of that falling out which she kept all these years. I turned them in to my lawyer for discovery.

Overall, I would keep an approach/mentality of: "Thank you, CPS, for caring about my child's safety, and I join with you in wanting my child to be safe, and here is this info for you about the context going on right now." Keep it matter of fact -- this isn't about blaming someone or "it's not me it's him", it's about shining light on information that will help them understand the whole situation.

They may ask for more references or contacts, so think about who might know you and your friend and xH (if at all possible). Or, someone who knows Friend well and can vouch for Friend's conduct/character. Teachers, coaches, and counselors are good third party contacts to share.

I think I remember hearing that you were getting D5 into therapy? Definitely share that contact with CPS. And if you have a therapist, you can offer that contact info, too. Because I'd told my T about what was going on, and she suggested the CPS call, I did give them her contact info. They did call her and talk about what I'd told her but it wasn't a huge in depth thing as far as I heard.
 
Our experience with CPS was neither as great nor as bad as it could've been. Kind of middle of the road. They barely looked around in the home inspection (but our home was not the issue). If D5 has a functional bed in a room with a smoke detector, and you have food in the fridge and a way to heat it, and no black mold or infestations, house-wise you will probably be fine.

They may ask a bunch of questions about if you have any mental health diagnoses, if/how you discipline D5, house rules, where you're employed... trying to think of what else they asked us. I did tell my boss what was going as a heads up, but CPS didn't end up reaching out to my work. So IDK why they wanted that info.

I would say just be straightforward and be willing to shine light on stuff in a matter of fact way, and it can help to try to stay in the mentality that you and CPS are partnering to make sure your child is safe.

Hang in there... you're not alone.

[zachira]

CPS gets these kinds of calls all the time from people who are getting a divorce and want to make their spouse look as badly as possible, to create a possible advantage in the divorce proceedings. Having dealt with CPS as a mandated reported for many years in different positions, my concern with dealing with CPS workers was how well trained were they to properly assess the situation. CPS has  high employee turnover rates as it is a high stress job, as it is extremely emotionally taxing to constantly be doing evaluations for child abuse. The one question I would ask the CPS worker is how long they have been employed. I would also have a plan ahead of time as to what information to provide, and know what information you do not have to provide. Most of all, talk about your love for your child, how you show that, how you spend time with your child. A clean well kept house shows that you care about the environment your child lives in.

[ForeverDad]

Hopefully the mediator called him out for making possible "unsubstantiated" allegations.  (Rarely will officialdom such as CPS close a case as "unfounded" aka liar.)  Or maybe your lawyer called his lawyer?

The other aspect is to address how your D5 was manipulated to say what she did and what can be done for her to be more cognizant.  That's why I shared my post from years ago, my son had no concept of truth and consequences despite having been in play therapy for a couple years.  Our kids exposed to these disordered pressures get such a wide range of mixed messages that we are stunned when they get off track.  Back then that "T-Bone Tells the Truth" book was out of print but I bought a used one.

[CravingPeace]

No coincidence.  I always was more alert to issues just before a hearing.  It's a nasty move on ex's part, but not that unexpected.

I am with ForeverDad. In my case we agreed mediation date last week (I have been asking for 7 months). On the same day we filed with the court the date, her attorney filed a Motion to Enforce alleging I hadn't paid Alimony, and a SODI saying I hadn't responded to discovery requests. Asking for me to be found in contempt of court and fined, to stop me from any more of my bad behavior. All lies clearly.

This is clear bad faith litigation. We sent the evidence to her attorney that these were lies, she hasn't withdrawn so now I am filing for emergency sanctions against them.

The point is expect bad escalation right before an important event. It is aimed to destabilize you, don't let it. Focus on what you need to get done for you and your kid. I am just surprised he didn't go after you rather than a friend!

[PeteWitsend]

...

I don't know if I've mentioned it here before, but he absolutely HATES this friend of mine. They had a falling out all the way back when he was on paternity leave when our daughter was a baby, and he forbade me from allowing her around D ever again, but since I moved out, my friend has been back in my life and D's life.

I guess it shouldn't really surprise me, now that I think of it. Back when they first had their falling out, he ranted that he thought my friend was sociopath and it was unsafe allowing her to be alone with our baby.
...

This is really bizarre; and you suspect your mom is BPD, but he had no issues with her...?

I experienced something similar, although in my case, BPDxw had issues with my mom, and started bonding with my "step-mom" to share dirt on my actual mom, including specious stories about my mom potentially being an abusive grandparent.  I suspect my "step mom" - who was never actually a mom to me; my dad married well after I was an adult & I've only seen her like three times - herself was BPD or on the spectrum.  She has a lot of skeletons in her closet: two siblings both mentally ill & unable to care for themselves; a childhood spent with alcoholic & abusive parents, etc., but I digress... 

Anyhow, at the time, this caught me off guard, and as I was still in "trying to make this work" mode, I went along with some of BPDxw's demands of limiting contact with my mom, which I now regret. 

've also named my friend as a possible witness in my child custody case. My friend has pages and pages of unhinged text messages from stbxH from the time of that falling out which she kept all these years. I turned them in to my lawyer for discovery.
...

Any advice on how I should handle this? Besides telling the lady from CPS that she can come over Monday morning for a home inspection, I messaged my lawyer to let her know what was going on. The lady from CPS said she would have to interview my friend too, so I just texted her to let her know.

I assume you've since talked to your attorney?  No need to share the advice here, but assuming your STBXh is behind it, you could argue that this is witness tampering (which is an actual crime - just google it, for whatever state your live in). 

While I don't think it's likely he would even be charged with this, as it would be a difficult case to prove, given that the state WANTS people to be able to call CPS, and so I could see any expression of concern about a child's welfare, even in a situation like yours, would be considered a bona fide belief, not an attempt to use CPS to influence the outcome of a case by silencing a witness. 

If you can identify who called CPS, or maybe even if not, I would try to find a way to let the judge know.  Because as unlikely as it is anything official would be done to your STBXh over this, it could clue the judge in to which party is the one with credibility issues here.  To the extent any decisions are required in your case that are subject to the judge's discretion, that weighs in your favor.  And also, even if the judge doesn't take any actions, they could tell your STBXh and his attorney to knock it off, precluding any further BS on his part.  Let him know he's on thin ice.

[PeteWitsend]

also, FWIW, I had some dealings with CPS, because BPDxw had them called on her home twice.  Both times investigated and dropped.

they won't tell you who called in the complaint; they say they don't have that information.  I don't know if that's true. 

But they will discuss it with you and you should request copies of the reports and as much information as they will provide. 

Taken together, this often provides enough information to allow you to piece it together.

[Gerda]

Well, it was definitely him. We talked about it in mediation. According to my lawyer, he told his lawyer about the suspected abuse first, and then his lawyer advised him to call CPS about it.

I met with the CPS lady Monday morning, and I think she figured out pretty quickly what was going on. It was pretty much like zachira said. I explained to her that I'm in the process of divorcing her dad, and her dad hates my friend and thinks my friends are always talking bad about him behind his back and so on. She even commented that it was suspicious that he called a few days before our divorce mediation.

She took pictures of D5's bedroom and bathroom, and the open fridge and pantry, but told me this is all standard stuff she has to do for every allegation of child abuse. She also needed the contact info for my friend, since my friend was the alleged perpetrator.

I just got a call a few minutes ago from her saying she got a hold of my friend, and she does not suspect any abuse in my home, and she's about to close the case, but before she does, she asked me if I would like a referral to any kind of mental health services for D5, and I told her yes please. I told her I had D5 in play therapy last spring and summer, but the place I had been taking her to no longer fit my schedule, but I hadn't had a chance to find a new place. So I gave the CPS lady my email and she said she'll send me a list.

So that's all a big relief.

Another big relief is that mediation went well, for the most part, though that might be better as a separate post. I got most of what I wanted. I got primary custody of D5 with the right to determine her school and primary residence, though I got more of a geographic restriction than I wanted (I'll still be able to move closer to work than where I'm at right now, just not quite as close as I wanted). I also didn't get right of first refusal (so exH would rather hire a babysitter to watch D5 while it's his parenting time than let me have any "extra" time with her). But I got to keep the custody schedule we already had in the temporary order, he's paying me child support (though only the minimum amount required by law), it all ended up being pretty standard stuff. I'm glad this won't have to go to trial.

Wow but my ex sure does hate my friends! One thing he asked for in mediation was to forbid me from allowing my friend to babysit D5 ever again. That was shot down quickly. And I'm pretty sure my ex has been coaching my daughter to tell people my friends are bad. The CPS lady said when she interviewed D5 she told her that I have "bad guys" at my house, and then named off my two best friends who have been coming over a lot since I moved out. I explained to her about how I think exH is saying bad things about my friends to D5, and how when they are together, D5 seems to really like my friends. That must be really confusing for D5.

[kells76]

Big relief for sure. So glad they asked about a MH referral for D5, what a good resource.

How are you feeling after going thru mediation plus a CPS visit? Do you have any down time (even an hour or two) for yourself coming up?

[PeteWitsend]

Well, it was definitely him. We talked about it in mediation. According to my lawyer, he told his lawyer about the suspected abuse first, and then his lawyer advised him to call CPS about it.

...I got primary custody of D5 with the right to determine her school and primary residence, though I got more of a geographic restriction than I wanted (I'll still be able to move closer to work than where I'm at right now, just not quite as close as I wanted). ...

Well, congrats on being (mostly) done with the divorce process!  This is great news for you and your daughter. 

Does he have the same geographic restrictions?  My ex pushed to make hers tied to where I live, so if I move outside the restriction, hers are lifted. 

Some tips for things I experienced after the divorce was finalized:

- the picking fights/critical comments about your parenting will continue, and may even get worse for a while, but will gradually diminish a bit. 

- expect the unexpected from them.  If things seem to be going well, don't get complacent and let your guard down.  You don't need to be  worried about them constantly, but just don't be surprised if/when you get reminders that they can never really let go.

- according to my D's therapist, expect a significant life change to occur around 2 years post divorce: e.g. partner moving in with new boyfriend/girlfriend, partner moving, etc. In my case, this proved true: BPDxw sold her house and moved to a really rural corner of the county to try to put as much distance between us and limit my contact with my daughter. 

Wow but my ex sure does hate my friends! One thing he asked for in mediation was to forbid me from allowing my friend to babysit D5 ever again. That was shot down quickly. And I'm pretty sure my ex has been coaching my daughter to tell people my friends are bad. The CPS lady said when she interviewed D5 she told her that I have "bad guys" at my house, and then named off my two best friends who have been coming over a lot since I moved out. I explained to her about how I think exH is saying bad things about my friends to D5, and how when they are together, D5 seems to really like my friends. That must be really confusing for D5.

Advice I got was to always ask your child first what they think.  Let them know it's okay for them to have their own thoughts and opinions about other people and things, separate from the pwBPD.  They'll for sure continue to be influenced by the BPD parent, but you're really planting a seed and nurturing it here, so they can grow independently of them in the long run.  At least that's how I see it. 

A couple times when things got bad between us, post divorce, I mentioned the things BPDxw was saying to my D's therapist, and he told me that I didn't need to worry; if she continued to do and say things it would only serve to cost her credibility with our D.  And I have to say, I was skeptical that was a big deal (I wanted to be more assertive), but he's been right.  I have seen my D express doubts about things her mom tells her and confides in me concerns she has with things her mom tells her and does. 

[Gerda]

Does he have the same geographic restrictions?  My ex pushed to make hers tied to where I live, so if I move outside the restriction, hers are lifted. 

My geographic restriction is the county my ex lives in or contiguous counties. The thing is, I work in a non-contiguous county (there is a county between the one where we lived and the one where I work), but he wouldn't let me move to the one where I work, so the best I can do is move to the in-between county. At least that will still cut my commute down by quite a bit.

I just looked over everything again, and it looks like if my exH moves outside of the county or contiguous counties, then I can too. I seriously doubt that will happen, though. It was a really big deal to him that he'd get to keep the house and wouldn't have to move.

- according to my D's therapist, expect a significant life change to occur around 2 years post divorce: e.g. partner moving in with new boyfriend/girlfriend, partner moving, etc. In my case, this proved true: BPDxw sold her house and moved to a really rural corner of the county to try to put as much distance between us and limit my contact with my daughter. 

The thought actually crossed my mind to do something like that to my ex, LOL. I was so mad that he wouldn't allow me to move to the county I work in that I thought maybe I could "maliciously comply" and move to the very furthest corner to the county that I am allowed to move to, which would end up being much further from him than where I would have moved if he had let me.

But then I saw that housing prices were much more expensive there, and it wouldn't get me any closer to work.

But that's interesting about the 2 year thing. Maybe if he got a girlfriend, he'd leave me alone more then. That's what happened when my mom got her first boyfriend after she divorced my dad (I had to hear all about her dating search, but once she found someone, she basically left me alone - until they broke up, of course. Then I had to be her emotional support again.)


On a different note, I went ahead and called the counseling center that the CPS lady referred me to. They said I can just walk in for a consultation during their office hours. I was planning to do that next week. Thing is, in my court order it says I have to communicate with exH about any medical or psychiatric treatment for D (fair enough), and so I did, and now he wants to go with me to the consultation and be involved in D's counseling. Ugh, he was never interested in doing stuff like that before. He didn't even like the idea of me taking her to play therapy before and only did it because she was misbehaving so much at preschool that he was afraid she'd get kicked out if we didn't take her. I remember he really didn't like it that their policy was to have the parents wait outside while D went in with the therapist and that they wouldn't tell us everything that happened in there because of confidentiality between the therapist and client (and they explained that D was their client, not her parents).

That would be really awkward if I have to go with him. Last time D was in therapy I was really careful about what I said because I was afraid they would call CPS if I told them everything that H did. I was hoping now that the divorce is final I could speak more freely, but now exH wants to be there.

I think this is more of him trying to show off what a great dad he is. He's been doing that a lot. All of a sudden sending all these messages to D's preschool teacher and stuff when before he didn't even know her name. Ugh.

[ForeverDad]

When my temp order finally morphed into the final order (well, it was updated every couple years...) we were to alternate bringing our child, by then 6 years old, to his sessions.  So the visits were scheduled during the parent's parenting time.

As parents we were allowed only a few minutes before (to express any concerns we had noticed) and after (if there was something to be shared with us) with the counselor.  After all, the lion's share of time was for our child.

We parents never went to the sessions together, counselors asked us to alternate visits.  I wasn't allowed to participate during my temp order, so I don't know if it is advisable for a joint first session.  As long as the agency knows of the adversarial background, maybe the agency decides?

Eventually, when I obtained majority time, my ex's sense of entitlement lessened sufficiently, or by then son was older.  Whatever the reason, she thereafter stopped her participation.

I suspect your ex is unlikely to continue participating for very long, his purpose is either to posture as an involved parent or perhaps keep trying to claim you're worse than he is.  If he does drop participation, keep with the counseling, this is for your daughter's benefit, not some other motive.

[Gerda]

Yes, I would rather not go to the consultation with him. That's what he wants to do though. I'm like 90% sure that it's because he wants to make sure I don't say anything bad about him to the counselor. He gets very paranoid about that (he used to grill me about whether I said bad things about him to my individual therapist, he got paranoid that I was saying bad things about him privately to our marriage counselor, etc.). When D was in play therapy before, he didn't like it that the counselor's policy wasn't to tell the parents about every little thing that happened in play therapy.

The other 10% is probably posturing about being such a great dad. I can tell he's much more concerned about his public image and whether or not people are saying bad things about him than, you know, actually doing the right thing and being a good dad.

I think I'm going to call the counseling center again on Monday to talk to them about the situation so they're aware of the adversarial relationship between the parents. I also need to make sure that they can accommodate my schedule. I already told exH that I'm going to have to check about schedules and if they don't have evenings available than I won't be able to use this place. That can be my excuse to get out if this doesn't work out.

The reason why D isn't still going to the place she had play therapy before is that they only have Thursday evenings available, and exH gets her every Thursday evening. I don't want a situation where he's taking her, and especially not every single time. (Besides, he probably wouldn't want to spend his one weekend evening with her doing that instead of something more fun.)

[ForeverDad]

Yes, I would rather not go to the consultation with him. That's what he wants to do though. I'm like 90% sure that it's because he wants to make sure I don't say anything bad about him to the counselor. He gets very paranoid about that (he used to grill me about whether I said bad things about him to my individual therapist, he got paranoid that I was saying bad things about him privately to our marriage counselor, etc.). When D was in play therapy before, he didn't like it that the counselor's policy wasn't to tell the parents about every little thing that happened in play therapy.

Of course, listen to your gut if at all possible.  My son's therapy started before he was 4, I joined when he was 6 until he "graduated" about age 12.  Not once did my ex and I go together.

My son's counselor rarely shared observations about the play therapy.  Focus is on the child, it's not meant to be parent bashing, though some comments may be necessary for clarity of major issues.

[PeteWitsend]

Remember to take a deep breath; they (pwBPD) talk a big game, but rarely follow through on their threats and demands once the ball is in their court and they have to actually put effort in.  Talk is cheap!

Sharing from my history, b/c I think it's illustrative of how these things go: About a month into divorce proceedings, BPDxw suggested our daughter needed therapy.  I accepted, but was wary of her history of "forum shopping" for a therapist she felt she could control, so I had my attorney get a child psychologist in the area to vet a list of ones she felt were professional, and we let BPDxw pick from the list. 

predictably, she picked a male T, and the one closest to her house.  (She once told me she felt she could get men to do what she wanted, and didn't trust other women...)

Well, he was very professional and never allowed her to influence the sessions with our D. 

He was also out of network at the time, so we each had to pay out-of-pocket per visit.

Just as predictably, once she saw: 1) she couldn't bend our T to do what she wanted (whatever that was); and 2) it would still cost HER money, she sent me a bunch of angry messages about how the therapy sessions were pointless and not necessary, and she wasn't going to take our D to them anymore.  (I continued to take her, at least every couple months, and found it was good to have another adult in the equation, in case there were issues I wasn't aware of).

So just wait it out.  And remember, everyone outside your relationship with your ex is watching and quietly forming their own opinions, so be the "calm center of the universe," and let your ex blow smoke at everyone, and they'll figure things out soon enough.

After BPDxw stopped taking our daughter to therapy, I guess she had overpaid at her last visit, or paid in advance, but decided not to take her after that.  The therapist was venting to me about how demanding she was about getting a refund.  He said "I swear, I couldn't have gotten her money back to her more quickly if I went to the ATM and got cash and gave it to her, and she was still angry with me!" 

I was like yeah, that's about 1/1,000,000th of what I've had to put up with for the last 5 1/2 years...

Let them do their thing, and eventually they'll show their true colors.  Don't play into their game of short term thinking and impulsiveness.  It's REALLY hard, I know, because they will constantly push your buttons and try to get you angry so you're on their wavelength.

Here, you might want to say you're okay with your Ex taking her to sessions, but call them and say you just got divorced and don't feel comfortable being there with him at the same time, like alone together in the waiting room.  You may even want to allow him to take her on a certain night, even if it means giving up a couple hours of time, knowing he's most likely going to drop it after he realizes there's no benefit to him, and it's a drag on his own time.