Move out week with a BPD partner

[R47373]

Hi,  My first post and a challenging week ahead.  My Ex has been diagnosed with BPD and narcissistic tendencies.  We had gone thru the separation 2 years ago and she still continued living at my home for the following year and a half as she agreed to and did participate actively in the programs for BPD patients. ( CBT and DBT) She also went on medication.  She seemed to be commited and got better.  Last November she completed here programs and dropped the meds.  I backed away and suggested she look for a place to move in the event that strategy did not work out.  Well by end December I realised this was a repeat of events before our seperation where in a manic phase, she demanded a divorce and I was the Narcissist with all the issues. She came down 7 months later and sought help.  IEnded up in the Psyche ward at our hospital for 3 weeks.  let her stay. (my bad)  

In January this year she wanted to go to Mexico together but I was nervous.  I am sure she felt my hesitation.  But we booked it for 2 weeks. One morning she awoke all excited about the trip, gave me a big hug and reassured me we were going to have a great trip.  By 4 pm the SAME day she came home angry, nasty and wanted a Divorce, just like that.  She cancelled our trip ( I got stuck with the cancellation penalties) rebooked for herself and went on her own 3 days later and has been gone for the last month and a half.  I blocked her and only know she had a great time.  

Back this week and ready to move into her new place. ( still manic) I told her I would only allow her to come into pack her things if she brought our mutual friend to help ( she is aware of her condition and sympathetic to me)  She has agreed.  I want her to leave.  No questions!!! But I feel nervous.  Anyone else go through this kind or crazy scenario!!   Thank you in advance!!

[kells76]

Hi R47373 and

Yes, you're definitely not alone in coping with that kind of emotional whiplash, and then working through ending the relationship and all the logistics that entails. These are generally not "Hallmark movie, we wish each other well, let's stay friends" kinds of breakups -- PD's like BPD or NPD can bring a lot of emotional intensity and volatility to the table, and the end of the relationship is no exception.

A good friend of mine got involved with a pwBPD many years ago; he did move in with her. He experienced the full range: she made suicide threats by phone, I think related to money ("I'm broke, you don't give me anything, so I'm just going to kill myself"), but she wouldn't tell him where she was. Needless to say that relationship did not last. He was able to negotiate her being out of her place for one day while he packed and moved his stuff; I was there helping with one or two of his other friends.

Back this week and ready to move into her new place. ( still manic) I told her I would only allow her to come into pack her things if she brought our mutual friend to help ( she is aware of her condition and sympathetic to me)  She has agreed.  I want her to leave.  No questions!!! But I feel nervous.  Anyone else go through this kind or crazy scenario!!   Thank you in advance!!

It's smart to have at least one other person there. Can you add another person just in case, or have a friend "on call"?

Do you trust her enough to let her be at your home with the friend, without you there? Or do you feel you need to be there? There could be pluses and minuses to you not being around. Could be triggering for both of you, so the pack/move might go more smoothly if she's just getting her stuff and there's no chance of interaction. But if you have concerns about her acting out, taking things that aren't hers, etc, then you may need to be there (safely).

What do you think you're the most nervous about?

[R47373]

Thank you for your kind response.  She wanted to come by and pick up a few things after returning from her trip.  That was a good idea as it immersed me into seeing her again and made me aware of how strong I had become while she ran off and left me to work through my challenges.  I DO feel stronger now and she was a bit freaked out at my confidence.  She looked sad, a bit lost and ashamed.  Our mutual friend ( hers actually, but she is sympathetic to my situation, not openly)  will be here and I am being cordial, pleasant and business like but also understanding.  The road is long but I am seeing daylight!!   Thank you for your kindness.  I would not wish this experience on anyone but I would wish all the growth in spirit that goes along with it if you face up to it!!!

[PeteWitsend]

Thank you for your kind response.  She wanted to come by and pick up a few things after returning from her trip.  That was a good idea as it immersed me into seeing her again and made me aware of how strong I had become while she ran off and left me to work through my challenges.  I DO feel stronger now and she was a bit freaked out at my confidence.  She looked sad, a bit lost and ashamed.  Our mutual friend ( hers actually, but she is sympathetic to my situation, not openly)  will be here and I am being cordial, pleasant and business like but also understanding.  The road is long but I am seeing daylight!!   Thank you for your kindness.  I would not wish this experience on anyone but I would wish all the growth in spirit that goes along with it if you face up to it!!!

For a couple hundred bucks you should be able to hire a security guard to be there, OR a lot of police departments will send an officer there for free; just call the local non-emergency line and explain the situation.  Say that you're concerned she may make allegations against you or start an incident, and you just want an officer there to oversee the moveout. 

I had to do the latter, when I needed to collect some things to move out of my house temporarily, and my then-fiancee (now ex) had a habit of threatening to call the police on me over disagreements.  I didn't want to get arrested if she claimed I hit her or something, when she knew it was over and started to get desperate.  She had already demonstrated some capacity for unhinged behavior (e.g. picking up a potted plant and smashing it on the ground next to me).

She flipped when she saw the police, and had a near panic attack, but couldn't do anything because she knew it would only go badly for her.  I was glad the officer was very professional, and explained the situation to her up front and why he was there.  She kept trying to argue with him that I was the problem, and he was like "ma'am, I already told you why I'm here, I don't care, stop bringing it up" and was getting more and more irritated with her by the end of it. 

[Pook075]

Anyone else go through this kind or crazy scenario!!

In my case, my ex said that she wanted to pick up a few things and she did...it went as well as can be expected.  But she left a lot, and a few weeks later wanted to pick up a few more things.  And this became a pattern, grabbing a box full of things or a single item every so often, to the point where she was always in and out.

Those visits left me...I don't know...confused?  It would bring up old feelings and it wasn't healthy.  It also seemed like she always dressed up as well, trying to look sexy and desirable...yet showing zero interest in me or working on the marriage.  It almost felt like she wanted to punish me or something.

Needless to say, I had to stop the occasional visits for a few things.  So I went to Wal-Mart, bought several of those big plastic containers and packed all of her things for her.  Anything questionable like old family photos, I packed and let her take to avoid a discussion.  I just wanted her gone so I could focus on me.

I'm bringing this up to say that several other members had a similar experience- items that lingered and needed to be retrieved at a later time.  I don't know if this was a conscious decision or not, but if I were to do it all over again, I'd pack her things myself on day one and have everything ready to go.  And if there's bigger items that can't be easily moved, then have a conversation if they're to be donated or not...groups like Goodwill will send a van to pick them up for free.

I feel for you and what you've been through.  Hopefully this week goes smoothly.