Dealing with extreme emotional whiplash

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Two months ago my (24f) girlfriend (26f) of three years broke up with me with no warning in the middle of the night. She said she didn’t know until that day that she was going to do it, but that it was not impulsive. A week later she came to get some clothes and necessities & have a final talk in which she said it was over but she didn’t want to see anyone else and we should have a conversation before we do. I tried to suggest couples counseling or a break, and I have seen her make impulsive decisions that she greatly regrets sometimes only hours after, but she said it was too late. Our relationship was causing her too much anxiety and the only way forward was apart.


Since the breakup, she has alienated every one of our mutual friends and acquaintances in the theater community. She is trying to break into theater, which is focuses on 100% of the time to the detriment of her work and her relationships. She has been blacklisted by our home theater where she has done four shows because of her horrific behavior. People say that she is unrecognizable, uncomfortable to be around, a completely different person. She used to try to make everyone like her, now she has made many of her formerly close friends cry bc of how cruelly she has treated them. All her furniture and belongings apart from the few bags she took are still in our house.

She moved in with a married couple she has known for only a few months and has been obsessed with. She has also treated me very callously, refusing to pay her share of the bills even tho it is causing me financial distress, refusing to adhere by my boundaries, and refusing any kind of compromise. Her responses make me feel like she thinks I am trying to hurt her or PLEASE READ her over, but I have never done anything to harm her. Even after she broke up with me I bought her toiletries and helped her pack to make things easier for her.

She has extreme mood swings that she does not remember, dissociative states paired with amnesia, a non bizarre type of paranoia that assumes people who love her will take advantage of her if she does not defend herself, self harm, extreme self loathing, and the inability to accept any situation as grey.

My questions are: how do you recover from a relationship that continuously told you your needs did not matter, you were cruel for bringing them up, and you were the problem? How do you function post breakup when you have joint finances, joint belongings, and the person you are separating from sees you as an adversary? I feel that I can do nothing but give her everything she wants, but even when I do she does not notice or thank me. She still treats me like I want to hurt her, but I don’t, even though she is hurting me. She will not accept anything wrong with her actions, even when everyone in our social circle has stopped being friends with her. I would love to speak to anyone going through or has been through a similar situation.

[lilbutterfly]

Two months ago my (24f) girlfriend (26f) of three years broke up with me with no warning in the middle of the night. She said she didn’t know until that day that she was going to do it, but that it was not impulsive. A week later she came to get some clothes and necessities & have a final talk in which she said it was over but she didn’t want to see anyone else and we should have a conversation before we do. I tried to suggest couples counseling or a break, and I have seen her make impulsive decisions that she greatly regrets sometimes only hours after, but she said it was too late. Our relationship was causing her too much anxiety and the only way forward was apart.


Since the breakup, she has alienated every one of our mutual friends and acquaintances in the theater community. She is trying to break into theater, which is focuses on 100% of the time to the detriment of her work and her relationships. She has been blacklisted by our home theater where she has done four shows because of her horrific behavior. People say that she is unrecognizable, uncomfortable to be around, a completely different person. She used to try to make everyone like her, now she has made many of her formerly close friends cry bc of how cruelly she has treated them. All her furniture and belongings apart from the few bags she took are still in our house.

She moved in with a married couple she has known for only a few months and has been obsessed with. She has also treated me very callously, refusing to pay her share of the bills even tho it is causing me financial distress, refusing to adhere by my boundaries, and refusing any kind of compromise. Her responses make me feel like she thinks I am trying to hurt her or PLEASE READ her over, but I have never done anything to harm her. Even after she broke up with me I bought her toiletries and helped her pack to make things easier for her.

She has extreme mood swings that she does not remember, dissociative states paired with amnesia, a non bizarre type of paranoia that assumes people who love her will take advantage of her if she does not defend herself, self harm, extreme self loathing, and the inability to accept any situation as grey.

My questions are: how do you recover from a relationship that continuously told you your needs did not matter, you were cruel for bringing them up, and you were the problem? How do you function post breakup when you have joint finances, joint belongings, and the person you are separating from sees you as an adversary? I feel that I can do nothing but give her everything she wants, but even when I do she does not notice or thank me. She still treats me like I want to hurt her, but I don’t, even though she is hurting me. She will not accept anything wrong with her actions, even when everyone in our social circle has stopped being friends with her. I would love to speak to anyone going through or has been through a similar situation.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and almost every single one of us arrived here in similar circumstances over an ex, a parent, a sibling, an in-law, or a child.  It's incredibly hard and answers in the moment are almost impossible to find.

My questions are: how do you recover from a relationship that continuously told you your needs did not matter, you were cruel for bringing them up, and you were the problem?

The simple, direct answer is that you put yourself first.  Your mental health is the most important thing here and despite what she wants and needs, it doesn't come before your own needs.

Please read your own comment above and how you described the relationship.  She was abusive to you and because of loving her, you accepted it.  I did the same in my marriage of 23 years, just like so many others here as well.  Why did we accept those circumstances? 

In a nutshell, we didn't realize it for what it was, and we put our own self worth to the side as we catered to someone else.  But that person was broken internally and seeking validation in the moment, over and over again, which means that we weren't actually helping...we were enabling their disordered behavior and punishing ourselves in the process.

I'm sure your ex was great at first, super loving and funny, etc.  That's because she was all-in on you and mirroring your own likes and dreams.  She's doing the same thing now with the new couple she lives with.  But eventually, she realizes that they aren't perfect (because no one is) and she begins the process of devaluing them and discarding them.  It's a cycle they go through their entire lives and it's heartbreaking.

Why'd I share that?  Because the problem wasn't you...this has nothing at all to do with you.  She left because she's broken, she's destroying relationships because she's broken, and she'll continue to blame everyone around her because she will stay broken until she chooses to get help.

So how do you recover?  You put yourself first and stop worrying about her momentary needs while she's disordered.  That may mean blocking her if she can't respect boundaries.  She's responsible for herself, while you're responsible for you.

How do you function post breakup when you have joint finances, joint belongings, and the person you are separating from sees you as an adversary? I feel that I can do nothing but give her everything she wants, but even when I do she does not notice or thank me. She still treats me like I want to hurt her, but I don’t, even though she is hurting me.

That's ultra-tough and my ex wife did the same thing to me.  Ultimately, I accepted that I'd have to pay all the bills myself...which I couldn't do.  So I sold our home and moved on.

For her belongings, give an ultimatum- pick them up or if you don't want them, I'll drop that stuff off at Goodwill.  Make it a tangible deadline and don't let her keep it in limbo.

For the finances, remove her from those accounts or remove yourself.  It would be great to make those decisions together but it's not always that easy.  For instance, I had to call my ex and tell her I was dropping her from my car insurance policy...and she got her own car insurance about an hour later.  But i paid her car insurance for months before getting serious about cutting her off. 

I was dumb...don't be like me.

For apartment leases or vehicles, you're basically stuck.  My daughter is also BPD and I went that route recently on a co-signed car.  She decided that she wasn't going to pay and I couldn't pay it because of the separation with her mom (who also wouldn't pay her own bills), so I have a repo on my credit report now.  It sucks and it's unfair, but I did co-sign...that was my choice.

I hope that helps and feel free to continue asking questions, venting, or whatever you need.  Just remember to put yourself first and stop letting her define who you are as a person.

[lilbutterfly]

Thank you for your response. It is so helpful for me to read and realize that I am not crazy, and that other people have been through this same thing. It is so hard to see the person who once showered me with love stare at me while in crying with dead eyes. I know she feels nothing for me. She has told me that, but that she knows she still loves me too? It is so weird.
You’re right- I need to limit contact and separate myself as much as I can. I need to stop trying to consider her in my decisions. I want her out of my life but it’s hard bc we are in similar circles; though maybe not for long . You are giving me the courage to remove myself on our joint credit card.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you for your response. It is so helpful for me to read and realize that I am not crazy, and that other people have been through this same thing. It is so hard to see the person who once showered me with love stare at me while in crying with dead eyes. I know she feels nothing for me. She has told me that, but that she knows she still loves me too? It is so weird.
You’re right- I need to limit contact and separate myself as much as I can. I need to stop trying to consider her in my decisions. I want her out of my life but it’s hard bc we are in similar circles; though maybe not for long . You are giving me the courage to remove myself on our joint credit card.

So to be careful I would say not to jump to conclusions. There could be a myriad of things at play here. For example, being the cause there could be an attachment disorder issue. Attachment styles can play a big role in messy situations like this.

The one part where I have to add on to what my brethren and comrade has said here is that instead of taking it at face value that you are not a part of the problem I would tweak it and say look at what part or role you could have played? Are there behaviors that you displayed in other relationships that led to the relationships going bad? I say that you can gain a positive perspective from this relationship and look at what you can improve upon.

Also...perhaps you have your own issues to iron out with co-dependency. Always make your decisions based on yourself. No one else can live your life. It is great to be in a loving warm relationship but instead of thinking that someone is your other half work towards improving your mind set that you are enough and that someone else just enhances what is already great.- I want you to view this in a way so you understand your happiness will be good with or without anyone else and with someone else it can only get better. Work toward putting yourself in win-win mind sets and less win-loss mind sets. Make sense?

Please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[lilbutterfly]

You are totally right. I definitely tend to overextend myself in relationships if the ofher person is a mess. I think I have a bit of a savior complex that I need to work through. Sometimes it is appropriate and kind, but with some people I am enabling their disordered thinking and hurting us both. I definitely want to use this as a way to improve myself, because that is all I can do. Any tips on how to know when you are giving someone else too much emotional support? I don’t have a tendency to be anxiously attached or codependent in most relationships, but I have noticed that my friendships and relationships with people like this tend to follow the same pattern.I tend to be very giving, and then it’s a slippery slope to where I’m giving way too much but I don’t realize it bc it happened gradually over years. and I know it’s not always a good thing for anyone involve, and then eventually they leave me suddenly when they perceive that I’ve failed them.

[Pook075]

You are totally right. I definitely tend to overextend myself in relationships if the ofher person is a mess. I think I have a bit of a savior complex that I need to work through. Sometimes it is appropriate and kind, but with some people I am enabling their disordered thinking and hurting us both. I definitely want to use this as a way to improve myself, because that is all I can do. Any tips on how to know when you are giving someone else too much emotional support?

I first came to this site because of my two BPD relationships (daughter and ex wife), but I've found that by leading with compassion and validation, while also focusing on firm boundaries that put me first in instances of unhealthy behaviors, almost all of my relationships (work, family, neighbors, friends, etc) have improved over time. 

Every single one of us are flawed, and we can call it "mental health" or just being human.  As Sinister said, it's so important to be kind to yourself and give yourself some grace in these types of relationships- we all get it wrong at times.  The important part is to grow from those mistakes and learn what we can do better on our end to avoid repeating them.

The tools section at the top of this page is a great place to get started to learn about validation and better communication techniques.

[once removed]

I don’t have a tendency to be anxiously attached or codependent in most relationships, but I have noticed that my friendships and relationships with people like this tend to follow the same pattern.

i think that when this is the case, it can be easy to see the adversity we face as something that happens to us out of our control, or miss the fact that often times, it is by design - that we are, ultimately, the common denominator.

this is anecdotal, but a distant friend i know in real life but follow on facebook, posts frequently about the incredible drama theyre frequently involved in - its crystal clear to me that they are person with a high conflict style (and im putting it mildly) - but all of the comments they receive are glowing validations about how great they are and how the other person was at fault. thats by design. they cant handle anything else and cuts anyone off that dares.

so, to that friend, it probably looks like most of their relationships are great, and that the problems they have with others are their problems. its the system theyve built. we often design our lives around unconscious motivations, and deep fears.

this can be true to varying degrees for any of us. emotional struggles and unhealthy coping mechanisms tend to be more visible in our most intimate relationships. our other relationships, even some of our closest ones - they have a built in safety, and the stakes arent as high.

if you are finding yourself in this role repeatedly, then it is something you gravitate toward, because it validates you in some way. these breakups have a way of showing us coping mechanisms that we learned in order to survive, but no longer serve us, or even cause us suffering, and present the opportunity to learn and replace them with new, healthier ones, which, ideally, leads to healthier, more mutually satisfying relationships.

[lilbutterfly]

Yeah, I am working with my therapist on why I tend to allow my personal boundaries to be eroded over time and how I can development more healthy relationships instead of becoming codependent.

I think a part of me was very excited to have someone that was obsessed with me, and so I looked past warning signs. She treated me well so I brushed off some of the worries I had, mostly how she treated people she was not obsessed with. Then over time I think I developed a bit of a savior complex, I was always trying to get back to the first year where we were in sync and very happy, but I don’t think that year was sustainable. She was copying me. Once I saw her actions without mirroring me I lost a lot of respect for her, which I think she could tell.She started clinging to other people once she realized that I no longer saw her as perfect (as no one is) and that was hurtful because I felt like I was being emotionally cheated on. Why did I not break it off earlier? Was it truly because I care for her and wanted to work through things, or was it a selfish action? I don’t know. I think breaking attachments is very painful for me and I would rather suffer a poor relationship than rip the bandaid off:

It’s hard. I think I was ignoring the signs because I was too afraid to lose her. It is sad now though, because she has alienated all our friends through her actions and messed up her professional opportunities.

[lilbutterfly]

The context is that my (24f) gf (26f) walked out on me in the beginning of January. She told me on NYE that she was done, got picked up by the married couple she is obsessed with, and a week later came by to grab more stuff and confirm we are over. We were together for three years, and though we had problems, we had never discussed breaking up. This came as a complete shock to me, and I was very convinced for weeks that she would wake up and realize her mistake. She also said that we should not see other people, that she loves me, that this is very hard, but that she is not okay rn and that I am the reason for all her problems.
She is still paying her rent (begrudgingly) but she will not pay utilities (which is annoying bc I also moved out because I can’t stand living in the corpse of our relationship.) 95% of her belongings are still in our house, where they were when she left. Table, couches, desks, dressers, LOTS of clothes, shoes, a bed, kitchen things, plants (which I water) just to name a few. She didn’t even clean out the fridge.
I have made moves to detangle financially, including dealing with our joint credit card and joint account. She originally told me she wanted it done, so I did it even though I was not ready, but it has been 7 weeks and she still has not removed her money from the account. I have expressed that I do not want to communicate directly with her, and would rather do logistics through a calendar (which she was very against as it was “too much of a burden”).

I am confused. She made it very clear that she wants nothing to do with me, yet she does not complete the tasks necessary to fully separate. Part of me is probably still comforted by the fact that I will need to see her again to go through our joint possessions, but also I do not think it’s fair that she disappeared.

My question is, should I tell her to move her stuff out? The pro would be closing the door on the relationship, the con would be that she might flip out, refuse, or stop paying rent.Im torn. Part of me wonders if I give her more time that she will be able to go about the separating process with more kindness, because right now she is very cruel. but another part of me thinks i am being too nice letting her walk out on me and still letting her store her stuff all around the house and not deal with the consequences of the break up.

A medium ground would be to ask her to move her stuff into the spare bedroom and store it there, but in boxes so that it’s not integrated throughout the house how it is now. Idk.

[Under The Bridge]

She made it very clear that she wants nothing to do with me, yet she does not complete the tasks necessary to fully separate.

This is the nature of BPD - they won't cut all ties because in their minds you're still an 'option'; something to fall back on if they ever need it. Sorry to hear of your situation, it must be very frustrating to be stalled like this.

If you're sure the relationship is over and done then your first - and only -  responsibility is to your own welfare. Damage limitation.

If she won't remove her money from your joint bank account and you no longer have your own money in there, you could not remove your name from the account and leave her to it? Make a new account of your own or use another account if you have more than one.

Continuing a joint account with anyone you're breaking up with is not good as it relies on both parties being fair and honest; having BPD can make a partner do very reckless things with money. I speak from experience, though it wasn't with a BPD partner but she still messed badly with our joint bank account and I've never had a joint account again for that reason.

Regarding moving out her stuff, you could ask her to move the things out by a certain date or you'll arrange a storage unit for them. She's going to be annoyed whatever you do as she wants to keep that 'connection' by leaving her things with you.

You need to put yourself first though, even if it's hard.

Best wishes.